H wants us to separate due to loss of affection

[Anonymous]

Some of these responses are harsh. Sorry OP. It sounds like you are just checked out emotionally. It might be good to go back to therapy - just so that you can be supported. Has he said that it would be ok for you and your child to move across the country? Have you mentioned opening up the marriage to him?

[Anonymous]

So you don't love him but want him to stay with you?
Seems fair

[Anonymous]

The tough crowd is coming, with brooms and pitchforks. The implicit forum has been boring for sometime.

[Anonymous]

OP - does your H know why you behave the way you do? If he does, and he is still unwilling to go to therapy with you, then it sounds like the marriage is a lost cause. I hear you about not wanting to divorce and all the hardships that come with it. But, life is too short. You both should find someone who makes you happy, if it's possible. I think sometimes it hurts the child more to see a loveless marriage than be a child of divorce. If you both can remain civil during and after the divorce, your DC may be fine. You want to model a healthy marriage for your DC. My parents have a really dysfunctional marriage, and at times as a child, I wished they had divorced.

As others have asked, would your H let you move with your DC across country? If I were to divorce, I'd still want my kids to remain close to their dad (unless of course there was abuse), so I think I'd do what I could to remain not too far from the ex.

[Anonymous]

Op here. As I said it was H who suggested separation and my cross contry move. He would prefer the child to stay with him but I told hi this wasn't an option.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I Honestly don't know what to do. I don't treat H like shit, I try to be nice (hence sex weekly) but I don't know how to make myself feel the way I just don't feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. As I said it was H who suggested separation and my cross contry move. He would prefer the child to stay with him but I told hi this wasn't an option.

he said it was ok for you to move. he wants his child here with him. you aren't seeing the truth stating you in the face - you are not going to move to the other coast with the kid - and good luck finding any judge who will legally authorize you to do it. get ready for a nasty fight - and just b/c your family is there and can help is not a reason a judge will side with you. you'll be forced to make very economical choices and downsize your life.

sorry to be harsh but better you snap into reality now than feel your getting blind-sided later.

[Anonymous]

How can you have sex with someone you feel so negatively about?

[Anonymous]

I am guessing that neither of you has spoken to an attorney? OP, your post is confusing. You clearly no longer love your husband but criticize his reason for wanting to end this loveless marriage. I hope you figure this out, and find a way for both of you to be a strong presence in your child's life.

[Anonymous]

OP you modeled better communication and he stepped up and joined in with better communication. Sounds like if you want to continue you have to find a way of addressing the resentment about hurtful things he said and did. Some people fight mean and say cruel things but they don't necessarily mean them in a sustained way. It seems to make it work you need to find a way to get past that or work through it. Most men wont' let their child go to another state. Maybe DH feels responsible to make sure you are on a good footing and is encouraging it in this case? Just be sure you don't make a plan to leave and then have him change his mind about your child. In any case, if you feel done with him then separation makes sense. If you feel there is mutual affection and a bond because you've been through a lot, and if he feels the same way, maybe you have some ground to stand on and can make it work, but probably with the help of a counselor. Would he really rather separate than try with a counselor for the sake of your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you don't love him but want him to stay with you?
Seems fair

For the money.

[Anonymous]

You can't take your kid across a state line without your coparent agreeing. Even if you have primary custody.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like this is a marriage of convenience for you OP, and I can't blame him for wanting affection. Why doesn't he want therapy? I this he is probably as checked out as you are but brave enough to make the change. And what would your child think if you moved him so far from his dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband has said and done things I will never forget. For a time years ago, I thought we were going to divorce. However, there is still strong affection between us, and for that to have survived despite stress incurred through job losses, lack of sympathy and acrid recriminations, shouldn't it be called love?

So I ended up taking the lead on communicating better in our marriage. It was hard at first, because my husband had no clue how he was coming across and how hurtful he could be. He didn't want to see a therapist. So I modeled direct, respectful and positive communication, and called him out immediately every time he crossed a line. It was difficult, but he's gotten so much better at conveying his feelings and commenting on my own.

I feel people nowadays are so quick to write off their relationships, and not work on them.

Boy would I love to sit and have coffee or wine with you and hear more. I am in "stress incurred through job loss, lack of sympathy and acrid recriminations" phase and would love to hear how you turned that cart around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. As I said it was H who suggested separation and my cross contry move. He would prefer the child to stay with him but I told hi this wasn't an option.

he said it was ok for you to move. he wants his child here with him. you aren't seeing the truth stating you in the face - you are not going to move to the other coast with the kid - and good luck finding any judge who will legally authorize you to do it. get ready for a nasty fight - and just b/c your family is there and can help is not a reason a judge will side with you. you'll be forced to make very economical choices and downsize your life.

sorry to be harsh but better you snap into reality now than feel your getting blind-sided later.

Well I cannot stop him filing for divorce, can I?
As of now he just talks about physical separation.
I try not to blame him, but I just don't have it in me- can't give him what he wants.
I tried to improve what he thought needed improvement- now it turns out he wants love. I don't have it in me.