H wants us to separate due to loss of affection

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can you have sex with someone you feel so negatively about?

I don't feel negatively about him, I don't think much about it. It's he who brings up the subject. I just do what I have to do to be a good wife and mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am guessing that neither of you has spoken to an attorney? OP, your post is confusing. You clearly no longer love your husband but criticize his reason for wanting to end this loveless marriage. I hope you figure this out, and find a way for both of you to be a strong presence in your child's life.

No, we haven't spoken to an attorney, as there was only talk about physical separation. Not legal and not divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can you have sex with someone you feel so negatively about?

I don't feel negatively about him, I don't think much about it. It's he who brings up the subject. I just do what I have to do to be a good wife and mother.

You sound pretty delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't take your kid across a state line without your coparent agreeing. Even if you have primary custody.

He brought up the whole thing. I know he can object later, but then I just won't leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is a marriage of convenience for you OP, and I can't blame him for wanting affection. Why doesn't he want therapy? I this he is probably as checked out as you are but brave enough to make the change. And what would your child think if you moved him so far from his dad?

I am not the one initiating the move. He knows I can barely make it on my salary here.

[Anonymous]

OP I think this is confusing because you've said you're not interested in DH and you have grudges over past hurts, but yet you don't feel negatively and in fact have a lot of mutual affection. It seems like a contradiction. To me it seems like the issue are these past hurts so you should maybe focus therapy on addressing that and trying to be more engaged. Have you talked about ways to meet eachother's needs? Can you see the good in the present moments when you are not thinking about the past hurts? Can you understand why your husband would want out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think this is confusing because you've said you're not interested in DH and you have grudges over past hurts, but yet you don't feel negatively and in fact have a lot of mutual affection. It seems like a contradiction. To me it seems like the issue are these past hurts so you should maybe focus therapy on addressing that and trying to be more engaged. Have you talked about ways to meet eachother's needs? Can you see the good in the present moments when you are not thinking about the past hurts? Can you understand why your husband would want out?

I can't say I feel negatively, but I also don't have much affection.
We tried to talk many times.
All I know is that I see him clearly now (no illusions) and I don't think I can love and admire the person he is.
I honestly don't think it's about past hurts. I think it's about him as a person.
He wants out because he wants love and admiration. I don't have it in me.

[Anonymous]

Well then it sounds like you have an agreement. Can you live in a cheaper area here? Only one of you has to live in a good school zone here and your son can still go to that school. Maybe that would help. If it's a physical separation for now your spouse should be helping with the housing costs.

[Anonymous]

You have a responsibility to your child to give her access to her father. You can't move across the country.

Marriage is hard. It involves forgiving and moving on. It involves appreciating the other person for their unique traits. It involves respect, love, validation and affection. It sounds like you want it a certain way, but don't want to put in the hard work of trying to improve your attitude towards him. You should grow up and deal with these past hurts.

If you are unwilling to work on your own attitude, see an attorney and start looking for a local place to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these responses are harsh. Sorry OP. It sounds like you are just checked out emotionally. It might be good to go back to therapy - just so that you can be supported. Has he said that it would be ok for you and your child to move across the country? Have you mentioned opening up the marriage to him?

It amazes me how frequently posters "helpfully" suggest "opening up" a marriage. Revolting suggestion. Disgusting mindset.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound depressed. What did your husband do that hurt you and caused you to see him clearly, as you say?

It sounds like you are in a pretty untenable situation - won't leave, don't really want to stay. I don't blame your husband for wanting a wife who, at the very least, loves him. You're not willing to give him that, but you want to stay married because why? Because your salary won't cover your life here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a nutshell: marriage of 8years, one child together. Unfortunately some of the traits my H displayed and some of his actions made me completely out of love or affection for him. I don't nag, don't criticize, I just kind of avoid him. We still have sex and do talk about our day,
But honestly for me it's one more chore. Of course he senses this and talks about separation. I would have to move cross country If we went through with it, taking the kid with me most likely.
I think it's childish of him to want to separate on these grounds. He doesn't want therapy. I went, but it just made me realize that there is not much to work on in our marriage. I am just not interested much in H.
I don't know what to do. I can't erase what he said or did when I was weak, with a small child, overwhelmed and dependent. i don't think I can respect him. However there was no physical abuse so no "real" reason to leave him

Your DH is right. Y'all need to separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a nutshell: marriage of 8years, one child together. Unfortunately some of the traits my H displayed and some of his actions made me completely out of love or affection for him. I don't nag, don't criticize, I just kind of avoid him. We still have sex and do talk about our day,
But honestly for me it's one more chore. Of course he senses this and talks about separation. I would have to move cross country If we went through with it, taking the kid with me most likely.
I think it's childish of him to want to separate on these grounds.

Riiiight...you've up front admitted you've checked out of the marriage in all but name, but you don't think he should want a divorce. How do you even have sex when you have no affection and prefer to avoid him? Oh, that's right, you just kind of look at the ceiling, think of England, and let him masturbate with your body!

That's not even remotely childish on his part...it's actually pretty mature and grown up. Not having an affair, and instead having an honest, adult conversation about the fact that your marriage is pretty much over. He might be a total ass, and have given you very good reasons for being out of love with him but he is being the adult here.

[Anonymous]

I think there is real meaning behind what your husband said. And it should not be swept under the rug.

Just because your husband hasn't abused you does not mean that your marriage is vital. From what you have described to us, it doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me.

It sounds like you have fallen out of love w/your husband + he senses it fully.

You have two options.
You can either continue living your life in a loveless & passionless marriage and grow old knowing this is the best you will ever get out of life. Ever. Or you can step out of your comfort zone and take a risk by leaving him, even if it does mean re-locating. Sure it will be scary moving to another area, but remaining complacent and doing absolutely nothing sounds just unbearable to me.

I sincerely hope you find it in your heart to do what you know is truly the best choice for you overall. Sure it will take a huge amount of strength, but the end result will be well worth the risk.

Remember, no one ever got anywhere by not risking anything. No one.

[Cassiopeia]

It sounds like you have this mindset that either you stay living with him or you move back in with your parents. But those are not the only two options.

How much do you make? How much can he give you in support? There are ways to live on less in this area, or there's always moving further out. Even Baltimore or nearby cities would not be that far away and have lower cost of living.