Long-term unemployment; Mild case of affluenza/Keeping up with the Jonses-itis

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want her to stop focusing so much on what other people are doing, making, buying, etc., you might consider also not doing that yourself. Why are you guys spending so much time worrying about what other people have, eat, make? Focus on your own family. How are you contributing to the household, other than income? What sorts of things do you guys do together for fun? If she thinks fresh fish is where it's at, go get some damn fish. It's not THAT expensive.

Is it possible that your wife is concerned that you are unemployed and not likely to be employed any time soon because she wants to have a baby? If I had babies on the brain (as I did at your age), I would've been freaked out by having an unemployed husband because it would have been hard to have been the only one with a paycheck. She might have aspirations of staying home with kids and may not see that as possible at the moment, due to you not having a job.

OP here - She's pretty well grounded, and we see eye-to-eye about spending. We buy the discount frozen fish together and it isn't a problem. I think there is an osmosis factor of seeing so much gratuitous spending around here, and feeling inferior because of it. I know it hits me sometimes.

We were planning on having a baby, so this came at a real inopportune moment.

PP here. I think that it's actually a really great opportunity for you guys to talk about what's important for your family in the future and what sort of family structure you'd like to have. It sounds like your wife is casting about looking for models to emulate (her apparently rich friends), while also being averse to other models (her dad). What are the things that your family is lacking that she feels are important? What goals are you unable to meet as a result of your unemployment? What sorts of goals need to be met before you can afford to have a baby? What sort of maternity leave was she planning to take?

The is a good chance for you to talk about these long term goals and make a long term plan. My husband (who is my second husband) and I have the plan that I will be the breadwinner and he will stay home with our future baby (and take my child from my first marriage around to her various activities - she is 5 now). I am fine with this idea because I recognize that my husband's strengths as caregiver for our family vastly outweigh his earning potential on the open marketplace.

Have you spoken to her about your overall concerns with her negativity?

[Anonymous]

GET A JOB! You are stressing her the f out.

[Anonymous]

I really can't believe you have the time for this nonsense.

Man, get off DCUM. Tell your wife to shut-up. And get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want her to stop focusing so much on what other people are doing, making, buying, etc., you might consider also not doing that yourself. Why are you guys spending so much time worrying about what other people have, eat, make? Focus on your own family. How are you contributing to the household, other than income? What sorts of things do you guys do together for fun? If she thinks fresh fish is where it's at, go get some damn fish. It's not THAT expensive.

Is it possible that your wife is concerned that you are unemployed and not likely to be employed any time soon because she wants to have a baby? If I had babies on the brain (as I did at your age), I would've been freaked out by having an unemployed husband because it would have been hard to have been the only one with a paycheck. She might have aspirations of staying home with kids and may not see that as possible at the moment, due to you not having a job.

OP here - She's pretty well grounded, and we see eye-to-eye about spending. We buy the discount frozen fish together and it isn't a problem. I think there is an osmosis factor of seeing so much gratuitous spending around here, and feeling inferior because of it. I know it hits me sometimes.

We were planning on having a baby, so this came at a real inopportune moment.

PP here. I think that it's actually a really great opportunity for you guys to talk about what's important for your family in the future and what sort of family structure you'd like to have. It sounds like your wife is casting about looking for models to emulate (her apparently rich friends), while also being averse to other models (her dad). What are the things that your family is lacking that she feels are important? What goals are you unable to meet as a result of your unemployment? What sorts of goals need to be met before you can afford to have a baby? What sort of maternity leave was she planning to take?

The is a good chance for you to talk about these long term goals and make a long term plan. My husband (who is my second husband) and I have the plan that I will be the breadwinner and he will stay home with our future baby (and take my child from my first marriage around to her various activities - she is 5 now). I am fine with this idea because I recognize that my husband's strengths as caregiver for our family vastly outweigh his earning potential on the open marketplace.

Have you spoken to her about your overall concerns with her negativity?

OP here - Our main goal was to grow our savings. Right now we are just breaking even. We like renting and don't want to buy a house in the near future, since our landlord provides excellent maintenance that we'd otherwise have to pay out of pocket for. She enjoys working and doesn't want to take much maternity leave, just what the doctor recommends.

The negativity is a very touchy subject. Her parents (nasty divorce; mom remarried a drunk) are nucking futz, and what they put her through I would consider to be emotional abuse for 18 years. I think that at least talking to a counselor would be helpful, but her take is "talking about it isn't going to fix the past, so what's the point". She's very adventuresome (we went off-roading and rock climbing for our honeymoon), but when it comes to family and domestic stuff, it's a minefield. Obviously getting some more income coming in would be priority one though.

[Anonymous]

You need to get a job. Stat.

And talk of going to school for a few years to get a new job...? Sorry - sounds frivolous to me at this juncture. There's no $$ in being a professional student.

I agree with a PP who says you need to learn how to hustle. Spending $ to make $ is just not your current reality.

Your wife is (understandably) frustrated with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get a job. Stat.

And talk of going to school for a few years to get a new job...? Sorry - sounds frivolous to me at this juncture. There's no $$ in being a professional student.

I agree with a PP who says you need to learn how to hustle. Spending $ to make $ is just not your current reality.

Your wife is (understandably) frustrated with you.

OP here - In terms of school I mean something more vocational like radiology, nursing, or welding. Getting a Master's would just pile M.ore S.hit onto the B.ull S.hit I already have. I would cash flow it, no debt.

[Anonymous]

She needs to accept what is. There is no point in comparing your financial situation to anyone else. It is a waste of time. Everyone has their own numbers to crunch! Sit down with her, crunch your numbers, make a plan going forward, and stop worrying about anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get a job. Stat.

And talk of going to school for a few years to get a new job...? Sorry - sounds frivolous to me at this juncture. There's no $$ in being a professional student.

I agree with a PP who says you need to learn how to hustle. Spending $ to make $ is just not your current reality.

Your wife is (understandably) frustrated with you.

OP here - In terms of school I mean something more vocational like radiology, nursing, or welding. Getting a Master's would just pile M.ore S.hit onto the B.ull S.hit I already have. I would cash flow it, no debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More than anything else you just sound like you've got a chip on your shoulder.

OP here - The affluence I see around here does give me a chip on my shoulder. I'm not from this area, and it blows my mind.

Then get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want her to stop focusing so much on what other people are doing, making, buying, etc., you might consider also not doing that yourself. Why are you guys spending so much time worrying about what other people have, eat, make? Focus on your own family. How are you contributing to the household, other than income? What sorts of things do you guys do together for fun? If she thinks fresh fish is where it's at, go get some damn fish. It's not THAT expensive.

Is it possible that your wife is concerned that you are unemployed and not likely to be employed any time soon because she wants to have a baby? If I had babies on the brain (as I did at your age), I would've been freaked out by having an unemployed husband because it would have been hard to have been the only one with a paycheck. She might have aspirations of staying home with kids and may not see that as possible at the moment, due to you not having a job.

OP here - She's pretty well grounded, and we see eye-to-eye about spending. We buy the discount frozen fish together and it isn't a problem. I think there is an osmosis factor of seeing so much gratuitous spending around here, and feeling inferior because of it. I know it hits me sometimes.

We were planning on having a baby, so this came at a real inopportune moment.

PP here. I think that it's actually a really great opportunity for you guys to talk about what's important for your family in the future and what sort of family structure you'd like to have. It sounds like your wife is casting about looking for models to emulate (her apparently rich friends), while also being averse to other models (her dad). What are the things that your family is lacking that she feels are important? What goals are you unable to meet as a result of your unemployment? What sorts of goals need to be met before you can afford to have a baby? What sort of maternity leave was she planning to take?

The is a good chance for you to talk about these long term goals and make a long term plan. My husband (who is my second husband) and I have the plan that I will be the breadwinner and he will stay home with our future baby (and take my child from my first marriage around to her various activities - she is 5 now). I am fine with this idea because I recognize that my husband's strengths as caregiver for our family vastly outweigh his earning potential on the open marketplace.

Have you spoken to her about your overall concerns with her negativity?

OP here - Our main goal was to grow our savings. Right now we are just breaking even. We like renting and don't want to buy a house in the near future, since our landlord provides excellent maintenance that we'd otherwise have to pay out of pocket for. She enjoys working and doesn't want to take much maternity leave, just what the doctor recommends.

The negativity is a very touchy subject. Her parents (nasty divorce; mom remarried a drunk) are nucking futz, and what they put her through I would consider to be emotional abuse for 18 years. I think that at least talking to a counselor would be helpful, but her take is "talking about it isn't going to fix the past, so what's the point". She's very adventuresome (we went off-roading and rock climbing for our honeymoon), but when it comes to family and domestic stuff, it's a minefield. Obviously getting some more income coming in would be priority one though.

PP here.

I can certainly understand all of that, and honestly, it doesn't sound like this situation is going to be all that hard to fix.

You can pursue a new job. I don't remember from your OP if there was a reason you could not pursue another contract sales job. I think that you need to be up front with your wife about your plans and the conclusions you've drawn from the last year. It's a tough balance to strike, though, between being up front and bitching about not being able to find a job.

The other thing I think you should focus on is coming up with plans for what you want your family to look like, since it sounds like her family models are not positive ones and her views of her friends' families is maybe not realistic.

[Anonymous]

I find it very difficult not to be envious of all the wealth around us in this area. But that only happens when I look in one direction. If I look behind me, I see a lot of poverty, extreme, horrible poverty and everything in between. Most of the world is not doing very well. Most people are struggling to keep their lives together, living paycheck to paycheck and barely making it. Lots of people are NOT making it. Look around, and you will see these people everywhere. And there are a lot more of them than the very wealthy folk that populate your's and your wife's minds.

My DH struggled for a very long time to find a job, and he wasn't even unemployed. In certain fields, there are not any jobs, and when there are openings, there are hundreds of applicants, so employers can be extremely picky and choose the applicant with exactly the experience they want, leaving the other 499 well-qualified applicants out in the cold.

OP knows he needs a job. He's taking steps to find one, and to train for a more lucrative position. What he needs now is to figure out how to get his wife to stop comparing their situation to others. Of course what she's doing is complaining about OP's lack of a job, which he hates. There's not much he can do about that except find work, and perhaps the complaining will stop.

OP, I suggest that you simply ignore your wife's negative comments. Don't argue, just ignore. And say positive things about your lives together right now. Keep it to the facts, and don't mention anyone else. It's so easy to get caught up in your wife's complaining if you have a chip on your shoulder as well, but if you want her b**ching to stop, you've got to change your behavior right now.

Good luck finding work, OP. It sounds like you have a plan and are moving in the right direction. I hope you find work you enjoy.

[Anonymous]

You need to get a job or do something to bring in money. My DH and I are also 30. My DH has been laid off twice in our relationship and fired once and it has caused problems. He has a crappy undergraduate degree so he always lands these horrible, unstable jobs. It's a lot of stress to be married to someone who can't contribute much in this insane cost of living area.

[Anonymous]

Do you provide childcare, cook, clean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want her to stop focusing so much on what other people are doing, making, buying, etc., you might consider also not doing that yourself. Why are you guys spending so much time worrying about what other people have, eat, make? Focus on your own family. How are you contributing to the household, other than income? What sorts of things do you guys do together for fun? If she thinks fresh fish is where it's at, go get some damn fish. It's not THAT expensive.

Is it possible that your wife is concerned that you are unemployed and not likely to be employed any time soon because she wants to have a baby? If I had babies on the brain (as I did at your age), I would've been freaked out by having an unemployed husband because it would have been hard to have been the only one with a paycheck. She might have aspirations of staying home with kids and may not see that as possible at the moment, due to you not having a job.

OP here - She's pretty well grounded, and we see eye-to-eye about spending. We buy the discount frozen fish together and it isn't a problem. I think there is an osmosis factor of seeing so much gratuitous spending around here, and feeling inferior because of it. I know it hits me sometimes.

We were planning on having a baby, so this came at a real inopportune moment.

Hi! :Waves:

You are me when I moved here some years ago. My income has been fine (arguably much more than fine) but the DC area really warped the fuckpiss out of my world view. DCUM doesn't help at all when people openly complain that $500K isn't quite enough or that $5M in retirement is peanuts. People here put on airs more than anywhere I've ever lived before, and its often focused on the external display of wealth or at least the insinuation of it. It permeates the culture here in some weird way unlike it does in the south or even the west coast (absent perhaps beverly hills or malibu, etc). You see it, you hear it, people talk of it. I was just at a work meeting recently where someone explained that they convinced someone to come to their (private) "club" by using the excuse that they "hadn't met their quarterly minimums anyway, so why not". Its comments like that - intentional or not - that give DC the impression that everyone seems to be rich and doing well. Its ostentatious in a different way than the west coast in that its more insidious. My only advice is that eventually you get used to it, and learn that people bullshit the fuck out of their situation constantly.

[Anonymous]

Get a job. Hustle. She does not want a lazy whining loser. Nor would I.