Reply to Long-term unemployment; Mild case of affluenza/Keeping up with the Jonses-itis

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If you want her to stop focusing so much on what other people are doing, making, buying, etc., you might consider also not doing that yourself. Why are you guys spending so much time worrying about what other people have, eat, make? Focus on your own family. How are you contributing to the household, other than income? What sorts of things do you guys do together for fun? If she thinks fresh fish is where it's at, go get some damn fish. It's not THAT expensive.

Is it possible that your wife is concerned that you are unemployed and not likely to be employed any time soon because she wants to have a baby? If I had babies on the brain (as I did at your age), I would've been freaked out by having an unemployed husband because it would have been hard to have been the only one with a paycheck. She might have aspirations of staying home with kids and may not see that as possible at the moment, due to you not having a job.[/quote]

OP here - She's pretty well grounded, and we see eye-to-eye about spending. We buy the discount frozen fish together and it isn't a problem. I think there is an osmosis factor of seeing so much gratuitous spending around here, and feeling inferior because of it. I know it hits me sometimes.

We were planning on having a baby, so this came at a real inopportune moment.[/quote]

PP here. I think that it's actually a really great opportunity for you guys to talk about what's important for your family in the future and what sort of family structure you'd like to have. It sounds like your wife is casting about looking for models to emulate (her apparently rich friends), while also being averse to other models (her dad). What are the things that your family is lacking that she feels are important? What goals are you unable to meet as a result of your unemployment? What sorts of goals need to be met before you can afford to have a baby? What sort of maternity leave was she planning to take?

The is a good chance for you to talk about these long term goals and make a long term plan. My husband (who is my second husband) and I have the plan that I will be the breadwinner and he will stay home with our future baby (and take my child from my first marriage around to her various activities - she is 5 now). I am fine with this idea because I recognize that my husband's strengths as caregiver for our family vastly outweigh his earning potential on the open marketplace.

Have you spoken to her about your overall concerns with her negativity?[/quote]

OP here - Our main goal was to grow our savings. Right now we are just breaking even. We like renting and don't want to buy a house in the near future, since our landlord provides excellent maintenance that we'd otherwise have to pay out of pocket for. She enjoys working and doesn't want to take much maternity leave, just what the doctor recommends.

The negativity is a very touchy subject. Her parents (nasty divorce; mom remarried a drunk) are nucking futz, and what they put her through I would consider to be emotional abuse for 18 years. I think that at least talking to a counselor would be helpful, but her take is "talking about it isn't going to fix the past, so what's the point". She's very adventuresome (we went off-roading and rock climbing for our honeymoon), but when it comes to family and domestic stuff, it's a minefield. Obviously getting some more income coming in would be priority one though.[/quote]

PP here.

I can certainly understand all of that, and honestly, it doesn't sound like this situation is going to be all that hard to fix.

You can pursue a new job. I don't remember from your OP if there was a reason you could not pursue another contract sales job. I think that you need to be up front with your wife about your plans and the conclusions you've drawn from the last year. It's a tough balance to strike, though, between being up front and bitching about not being able to find a job.

The other thing I think you should focus on is coming up with plans for what you want your family to look like, since it sounds like her family models are not positive ones and her views of her friends' families is maybe not realistic.[/quote]

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