Long-term unemployment; Mild case of affluenza/Keeping up with the Jonses-itis

[Anonymous]

I (husband age 30) was laid off from my salaried professional job a year ago. I did a commission-only sales job in the interim and made a bit of money, but didn't have the network to sell enough to make a living. Wife is a white-collar professional. Unemployment has long since run out. The reality is I'll need to retrain into a more marketable field, which may require about 2 years of part-time schooling. I made the mistake of not looking for part-time work and instead focused on trying to find a new job at my former salary (not an extravagant one by any means).

The issue:
Wife is understandably stressed about my employment (or lack thereof) situation. She had a deadbeat dad who refused to pay alimony or child support, leaving them at the edge of poverty for a few years. What is really bugging me is that she compares our situation to peers who appear to be doing better than us, but are not. They have parents who foot their bills, made exceedingly poor financial decisions and are in a metric shit-ton of debt, or are in high-paying STEM careers. I've pointed out to her people I know who are similar to us in age, education, life situation, and show analytically (she is a numbers-driven person) that we're pretty much on par with them. Yet I still get comments like "they can afford fresh fish" (which I don't think is expensive) or "their parents are rich" (they're middle class people who built a business from scratch), or "not being dead broke is the only thing I wish for".

I'm getting fed up with the fatalism, envy, and poor-mouthing. Our situation needs to be fixed immediately, but we're far from being out on the street. Any analysis or advice?

[Anonymous]

She's nervous, anyone would be when its starting to look like your partner might be turning into a dependent.
I'm hearing a little bit of defeat in your writing and of course that is going to color your attitude and certainly the way your wife sees you.

My best advice is to go get a job, any job, then make a plan to keep your family moving forward. When your wife sees that you're willing to do anything to succeed her attitude towards you will change and those shitty comments will probably stop.
She doesn't want to hear (or be shown) that you are no worse off than others, learning that you are no more screwed than others isn't a consolation.

She'll respect you if you're working; you're young, literate, you probably have a degree in something useless; use it all and learn a trade- a smart guy like you will dominate in no time- especially with your sales experience.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but you need to get a job. Focus on that, she is understandably stressed and annoyed with you.

[Anonymous]

Women can stay at home. Men can't. Go get a job otherwise your value as a male human being is questionable.

With that out of the way, I'll say that you're right that comparison to others can sap the joy out of even a good situation. But, you married an envious wife. Don't compare your situation to that of a guy who didn't marry such a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you need to get a job. Focus on that, she is understandably stressed and annoyed with you.

+1

[Anonymous]

People like you are always saying "But there's no jobs in my field" wah wah wah. Jobs are what you make of it and they do exist.

What you need is to learn how to hustle.

[Anonymous]

Yow OP, man here. Ignore the sexist trash talk responses you just got. Take your time, and make the best long-term decision for both your career path and your family. You should not be defined (as a man) by the extent to which you work or do not work. In principle, your wife and the other PPs here are basically telling you that if you got ill, God forbids, and can't work, you are no longer a man, and your wife should leave you.

Smh at how materialistic and vain humanity has become.....or is it just women these days?

Good luck regardless, but any day a woman defines my self worth and right to be considered a man by the extent to which I work is the day she kisses me goodbye. It's not like you are home wasting time....!!!

[Anonymous]

If you want her to stop focusing so much on what other people are doing, making, buying, etc., you might consider also not doing that yourself. Why are you guys spending so much time worrying about what other people have, eat, make? Focus on your own family. How are you contributing to the household, other than income? What sorts of things do you guys do together for fun? If she thinks fresh fish is where it's at, go get some damn fish. It's not THAT expensive.

Is it possible that your wife is concerned that you are unemployed and not likely to be employed any time soon because she wants to have a baby? If I had babies on the brain (as I did at your age), I would've been freaked out by having an unemployed husband because it would have been hard to have been the only one with a paycheck. She might have aspirations of staying home with kids and may not see that as possible at the moment, due to you not having a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yow OP, man here. Ignore the sexist trash talk responses you just got. Take your time, and make the best long-term decision for both your career path and your family. You should not be defined (as a man) by the extent to which you work or do not work. In principle, your wife and the other PPs here are basically telling you that if you got ill, God forbids, and can't work, you are no longer a man, and your wife should leave you.

Smh at how materialistic and vain humanity has become.....or is it just women these days?

Good luck regardless, but any day a woman defines my self worth and right to be considered a man by the extent to which I work is the day she kisses me goodbye. It's not like you are home wasting time....!!!

Ah, but what is he doing at home? It's a valid question.

- female poster with semi-employed spouse who does the childcare and most of the housework

[Anonymous]

More than anything else you just sound like you've got a chip on your shoulder.

[Anonymous]

The envy won't stop after you get a job. Because no matter how much you have, someone somewhere somehow will have more. Not saying you should not get a job, you should. But it won't change the woman you chose for a wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's nervous, anyone would be when its starting to look like your partner might be turning into a dependent.
I'm hearing a little bit of defeat in your writing and of course that is going to color your attitude and certainly the way your wife sees you.

My best advice is to go get a job, any job, then make a plan to keep your family moving forward. When your wife sees that you're willing to do anything to succeed her attitude towards you will change and those shitty comments will probably stop.
She doesn't want to hear (or be shown) that you are no worse off than others, learning that you are no more screwed than others isn't a consolation.

She'll respect you if you're working; you're young, literate, you probably have a degree in something useless; use it all and learn a trade- a smart guy like you will dominate in no time- especially with your sales experience.

OP here. Thank you, this is good advice. I'm throwing out apps to part-time stuff at this very moment.

[Anonymous]

Agree that at this point you need to get a job, any job. Enroll in school PT and work your way up slowly. If you don't get to it your marriage will be in serious jeopardy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More than anything else you just sound like you've got a chip on your shoulder.

OP here - The affluence I see around here does give me a chip on my shoulder. I'm not from this area, and it blows my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want her to stop focusing so much on what other people are doing, making, buying, etc., you might consider also not doing that yourself. Why are you guys spending so much time worrying about what other people have, eat, make? Focus on your own family. How are you contributing to the household, other than income? What sorts of things do you guys do together for fun? If she thinks fresh fish is where it's at, go get some damn fish. It's not THAT expensive.

Is it possible that your wife is concerned that you are unemployed and not likely to be employed any time soon because she wants to have a baby? If I had babies on the brain (as I did at your age), I would've been freaked out by having an unemployed husband because it would have been hard to have been the only one with a paycheck. She might have aspirations of staying home with kids and may not see that as possible at the moment, due to you not having a job.

OP here - She's pretty well grounded, and we see eye-to-eye about spending. We buy the discount frozen fish together and it isn't a problem. I think there is an osmosis factor of seeing so much gratuitous spending around here, and feeling inferior because of it. I know it hits me sometimes.

We were planning on having a baby, so this came at a real inopportune moment.