MIL issue, or do I have one?

[Anonymous]

My husband and father in law do this, except they don't switch to English when other people are around. It's obnoxious. They get away with it because I can understand a good amount of what they're saying (maybe 60%) but I still think it's rude at times when we are the only three in the room.

I think the fact that they switch to English when you're around is huge, so I'd let it go because of that.

And yes, pass the Russian to the baby! You might feel better if you learned a little too. Maybe just basic stuff, but it'd be a start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder - is it bothering you now b/c you are expecting? Do you think she'll expect you to raise your child the same way?

I would definitely not waste the language skills your husband has and get him to speak to the child in Russian. But would maybe not do everything she did either.

I've tried to figure out why it bothers me and I think it is because using a language I don't understand just underscores the fact that they have a close bond that I do not and cannot share.

I asked her at one point why she pushed so hard for preserving Russian. She said that it was tough at times, but it was unthinkable to her to use a foreign language with her own flesh and blood, so she made an effort to not have that happen.

We did not discuss how the child will be raised yet, but I am sure she would like to be involved. She already said she will help in any way she can (but did not push). I think Russians just have a different idea of how childcare ought to be done. My DH's grandma lived with them till the day she died, and acted basically like his nanny, so to them it is normal and expected for the grandparent to serve the family. She has kept all of DH's old children's books, abc blocks in Cyrillic, stacks of children's songbooks with musical scores etc., "for the little ones." That woman could run a preschool for one if she wanted to..

[Anonymous]

I think you and DH need to sit down and talk about how much you want Russian culture to be a part of your child's life. That's the real issue here.

Your MIL and DH seem to have struck a pretty great solution for now. Their bond is close whether they speak English or Russian. You say your MIL is not intrusive and generally kind and always speaks English when you're there, so let's hope she is reasonable about her role with your child.

Perhaps you need to hear DH spell out specifically that she will need to speak English to this new member of her "flesh and blood," as you don't expect to teach the LO fluent Russian, but hope MIL might pass on some basic knowledge and vocabulary.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP, you are way over-reacting! People do have the right to speak to each other in any language they choose when you are not in the room!

Do yourself and your baby a huge favor and get the Rosetta Stone language system in Russian or take some classes - having a child exposed to two languages in their first five years will benefit them for the rest of their lives. And Russian is a beautiful language.

[Anonymous]

My mother tongue is not English though I've spent enough time in the US that I am comfortable in both. I don't have anyone around that speaks the other language (my husband doesn't speak it and my family is overseas) and I miss speaking it. So that could be part of the reason that your MIL uses Russian with your DH. It would be really nice if you could be ok with it.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

OK, OP. Here is your real problem. The family into which you married has a huge chunk of their identity tied up in the language and culture you do not share, and this makes you wary. I think that it would be impossible for you to eradicate this element from their lives, and any gains you would make in this direction (which is unlikely), would produce a lot of stress and hostility in your marriage.

What you need to do, instead of feeling encircled and wary, is to embrace it and see it as an asset and part of your family's cultural heritage. I'm not saying start taking classes, but maybe become familiar with the culture instead of rejecting it and seeing it as an alien thing. If you ignore the political BS, Russians have made majestic contributions to the Western civilization in literature, arts, music and sciences. Why don't you try to learn a bit about it and appreciate it, instead of seeing it as a hostile force? This is your DH's heritage. It will no doubt be a part of your child's heritage. Why would you want to deny this to your child? It is his birthright to know this, to be related to it. Your DH may not even tell you this, but it would hurt him if he sees you reject that part of his heritage.

And relax a little bit about MIL's role in your baby's life. For chrissakes, you have an educated, loving person offering to help with childcare. Do you know how much you would have to pay for this, if you were out to hire someone like her? Your child's dominant language will always be English because the environment always wins. Even if grandma insists on speaking Russian to your baby, so what? It will likely be only a small part of his or her life, and an enriching one. Why would you resist that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder - is it bothering you now b/c you are expecting? Do you think she'll expect you to raise your child the same way?

I would definitely not waste the language skills your husband has and get him to speak to the child in Russian. But would maybe not do everything she did either.

I've tried to figure out why it bothers me and I think it is because using a language I don't understand just underscores the fact that they have a close bond that I do not and cannot share.
I asked her at one point why she pushed so hard for preserving Russian. She said that it was tough at times, but it was unthinkable to her to use a foreign language with her own flesh and blood, so she made an effort to not have that happen.

Which will be true whether or not they speak Russian to each other.

OP, as long as they are not speaking Russian when you are around (which would be really rude) I think that you have to let this go. Don't create unnecessary conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder - is it bothering you now b/c you are expecting? Do you think she'll expect you to raise your child the same way?

I would definitely not waste the language skills your husband has and get him to speak to the child in Russian. But would maybe not do everything she did either.

I've tried to figure out why it bothers me and I think it is because using a language I don't understand just underscores the fact that they have a close bond that I do not and cannot share.
I asked her at one point why she pushed so hard for preserving Russian. She said that it was tough at times, but it was unthinkable to her to use a foreign language with her own flesh and blood, so she made an effort to not have that happen.

Which will be true whether or not they speak Russian to each other.

OP, as long as they are not speaking Russian when you are around (which would be really rude) I think that you have to let this go. Don't create unnecessary conflict.

I agree with PP above.

OP I'm Eastern European as well. I speak English to everyone but speak my language with my mother. I can't imagine ever speaking to her in English when we are alone in a room. Why? I think they are doing everything they can to include you when you are actually around, but when you are not it's really selfish of you to expect they'd carry on in English just for your benefit.

The poster before me nailed it. You are more bothered that they share something you don't have. You really need to get over it. I'm sure you share things with your mom that your husband will never be a part of.

[Anonymous]

OP, several points...
1. You knew this when you married him! Seriously, do you think it should change?
2. Most important, they switch to english when you are present.
3. Your husband could be just as close to his mom, regardless of what language is spoken.
4. Be glad that you have a mil that you can actually tolerate!
5. Seriously, Americans are the only folks, who seems to think its a crime to be bi-lingual! You should encourage your mil and hubby to speak russian to your child. Its another tool, that can be valuable one day. Also, take a class or get some software and try to learn it yourself, it would make your hubby and mil adore you..

[Anonymous]

OP I am totally confused. What do you want them to do? Only speak English when they are in your house, even if it's just to one another, and even if it's slightly artificial to them given that that's not what they are accustomed to speaking to one another?

[Anonymous]

I would be so happy for her to teach my child another language!

[Anonymous]

They like to practice the language. You can't fault them for that. It's a non-issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be bothered. I think it's incredibly rude to speak a language around someone who can't understand it.

Your DH needs to tell his mother that it's English-only when among others.

They aren't speaking Russian when among others. They're speaking Russian when OP isn't in the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you and DH need to sit down and talk about how much you want Russian culture to be a part of your child's life. That's the real issue here.

Your MIL and DH seem to have struck a pretty great solution for now. Their bond is close whether they speak English or Russian. You say your MIL is not intrusive and generally kind and always speaks English when you're there, so let's hope she is reasonable about her role with your child.

Perhaps you need to hear DH spell out specifically that she will need to speak English to this new member of her "flesh and blood," as you don't expect to teach the LO fluent Russian, but hope MIL might pass on some basic knowledge and vocabulary.

Why would she "need" to speak English to the baby? It's a perfect opportunity for the kid to learn a language with a relative who only speaks that language to him or her. It would sad to deny this to OP's child.