MIL issue, or do I have one?

[Anonymous]

So this is not nearly as bad as some of the stories I read here, but wanted to toss it out for discussion. DH and I have been happily married for 3 years, and are expecting. My MIL is a nice woman in her late sixties, cultured, not intrusive and very welcoming to me. She lives 20 minutes away from us (my parents are across the country). My DH is very close with her - they talk almost daily and we see her every week or two.

Here is the thing: she is Russian, born and raised, although she's been here for 30+ years (a World Bank retiree), speaks English perfectly and is very comfortable in the U.S. She is very devoted to the Russian language and culture, was determined to pass that along to her son, and spoke Russian only to my DH ever since he was born. He went to Russian weekend schools, had to learn to read in Russian, was made to go to ballet and opera and generally every single Russian performance that came through town. She has a substantial Russian-language library.

There is nothing wrong with all of this per se, except that to this day, when they are alone, they switch to Russian. They always speak English when I'm around, and in fact would switch to English as soon as I walk into the room, so they don't do anything overtly excluding. But when I am in another room or part of the house, I can hear them switching to Russian. Like for instance, if I'm having coffee on the deck and DH and MIL are cleaning up the kitchen, I can hear them talking in Russian. Again, they always switch to English when I come in and in fact never speak Russian in front of me or when I am in the room, but I know that when I leave the room, if they begin to talk, they would switch back. DH told me that he went through several rebellious phases when he would refuse to speak to her in Russian, but apparently she was tough as nails on this issue and it was speak Russian or else.

Do you think I SHOULD be bothered with this? I find it slightly bothersome but can't articulate a reason. Or am I simply being weird and should work on becoming more tolerant?

[Anonymous]

I would be bothered. I think it's incredibly rude to speak a language around someone who can't understand it.

Your DH needs to tell his mother that it's English-only when among others.

[Anonymous]

You are being weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be bothered. I think it's incredibly rude to speak a language around someone who can't understand it.

Your DH needs to tell his mother that it's English-only when among others.

Do you read English? She said the MIL always switches over when someone else is around.

[Anonymous]

Yes, don't sweat it. My ILs are the same in German with my husband. They are being totally considerate by switching to english in front of you.

[Anonymous]

wouldn't bother me at all - they are obviously being considerate of you in switching to English as soon as you enter the room. I suppose if you had reason to believe she was criticizing you that might be another story, but if you trust your husband I'd say let it be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be bothered. I think it's incredibly rude to speak a language around someone who can't understand it.

Your DH needs to tell his mother that it's English-only when among others.

Except it's when OP is in another room. OP I think you're overreacting a bit. I also think it is worth you trying to learn Russian. It is obviously important to both your MiL and husband.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be bothered. It seems that she is respectful of you because she always speaks English when you're in the room. Plus, I assume you knew about this before you married your husband.

[Anonymous]

I think it is OK since they always switch back to English when you are in the room. Personally, this is not a battle I would take on. Have you considered learning Russian as you new son or daughter learn it?

[Anonymous]

Not an issue at all. She is being really considerate. I don't understand the issue. Do you have underlying problems with her that make you think this is a problem?

[Anonymous]

They are switching to English for you therefore it's fine IMO I also know more than one family who does this. Not unusual for MIL to speak to her child in their native language. Not at all.

[Anonymous]

You are being weird.

And there is nothing to tolerate.

Being bilingual is a gift. It would be fabulous if your MIL and DH pass this gift on to your child too.

If you feel left out, start taking Russian lessons.

[Anonymous]

Your pregnancy hormones may be influencing your feelings a bit, here, I suspect.

I think it's great that your MIL took the time and energy to pass along her culture and language to your husband. It's so hard to learn another language later in life that giving that to your children is a gift. I hope that your husband and MIL will do the same for your child!

One more thing - it's important that your husband uses his Russian lest it get rusty.

Beyond that, it is really nice and considerate that they speak only English around you. If your MIL insisted on only speaking in Russian, even when you were around, now that would be rude. But it sounds like she is going out of her way to be considerate. I would let it go.

[Anonymous]

I wonder - is it bothering you now b/c you are expecting? Do you think she'll expect you to raise your child the same way?

I would definitely not waste the language skills your husband has and get him to speak to the child in Russian. But would maybe not do everything she did either.

[Anonymous]

As another one of those husbands, I think you're overreacting, but I definitely understand your concern. My Chinese parents came to the US in the 1950's so have spent 2/3 of their life here. Despite this, Chinese is still their first language and English is their second. They both work/worked in the US in English and have no trouble communicating most of the time in English. I was raised bi-lingual, but there are still a number of nuances of English including puns, double entendres and colloquialisms (especially newer younger colloquialisms) and connotations that pass them by. In my case, my parents live in Florida and I only talk once every week or two to them. And we see them twice a year. But, language is one of those things that if you don't use it, the skills fade. My vocabulary decreases when I don't speak the language. When I am with my parents, my Chinese is weaker at the beginning of the week and stronger at the end of the week of visiting. It's good to keep your skills up, especially if you don't use the language regularly with anyone else.

We try very hard to use only English when my wife is around and we are teaching her and our kids some Chinese phrases and vocabulary, but sometimes we forget and lapse into Chinese because it's easier. I often have situations where I would have to explain something to my mother twice, once in English and again in Chinese. And sometimes, like when I'm driving or when we are pressed for time, I just use Chinese because it's easier and faster to communicate. I'm not trying to exclude my wife, but I'm trying to take care of things the most expedient way that I can. My wife has mentioned that she completely understands (after 12 years of marriage and 14 years of knowing my parents) how time consuming it can be sometimes to have to do things back and forth in two languages, but she does say that sometimes she feels like the outsider in my family. And it's just when I'm with my parents because neither of my siblings speak Chinese, so when the extended family is together, we only speak English. But she also sees how much longer some communication takes when we only deal in English. That said, my mother knows she can sometimes get better explanations from me in Chinese than she can get from my siblings in English so she asks me more questions.

So, I understand why you feel this way, but know that often there are family dynamics that come into play. As long as they always talk in English when you are in their presence, you should let the issue of what they speak when they think they are alone (even if you are in hearing range) lie. It's not a battle worth fighting. I know that when I push too hard to speak in English only sometimes my mother feels like I'm ashamed to be Chinese and of my Chinese heritage which isn't the case.