MIL issue, or do I have one?

[Anonymous]

Let it go OP. More than that, ask her to teach your child Russian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you and DH need to sit down and talk about how much you want Russian culture to be a part of your child's life. That's the real issue here.

Your MIL and DH seem to have struck a pretty great solution for now. Their bond is close whether they speak English or Russian. You say your MIL is not intrusive and generally kind and always speaks English when you're there, so let's hope she is reasonable about her role with your child.

Perhaps you need to hear DH spell out specifically that she will need to speak English to this new member of her "flesh and blood," as you don't expect to teach the LO fluent Russian, but hope MIL might pass on some basic knowledge and vocabulary.

Why would she "need" to speak English to the baby? It's a perfect opportunity for the kid to learn a language with a relative who only speaks that language to him or her. It would sad to deny this to OP's child.

Hopefully Dad will also speak Russian to the child. It would be such a shame if the OP's xenophobia denied the baby their heritage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is not nearly as bad as some of the stories I read here, but wanted to toss it out for discussion. DH and I have been happily married for 3 years, and are expecting. My MIL is a nice woman in her late sixties, cultured, not intrusive and very welcoming to me. She lives 20 minutes away from us (my parents are across the country). My DH is very close with her - they talk almost daily and we see her every week or two.

Here is the thing: she is Russian, born and raised, although she's been here for 30+ years (a World Bank retiree), speaks English perfectly and is very comfortable in the U.S. She is very devoted to the Russian language and culture, was determined to pass that along to her son, and spoke Russian only to my DH ever since he was born. He went to Russian weekend schools, had to learn to read in Russian, was made to go to ballet and opera and generally every single Russian performance that came through town. She has a substantial Russian-language library.

There is nothing wrong with all of this per se, except that to this day, when they are alone, they switch to Russian. They always speak English when I'm around, and in fact would switch to English as soon as I walk into the room, so they don't do anything overtly excluding. But when I am in another room or part of the house, I can hear them switching to Russian. Like for instance, if I'm having coffee on the deck and DH and MIL are cleaning up the kitchen, I can hear them talking in Russian. Again, they always switch to English when I come in and in fact never speak Russian in front of me or when I am in the room, but I know that when I leave the room, if they begin to talk, they would switch back. DH told me that he went through several rebellious phases when he would refuse to speak to her in Russian, but apparently she was tough as nails on this issue and it was speak Russian or else.

Do you think I SHOULD be bothered with this? I find it slightly bothersome but can't articulate a reason. Or am I simply being weird and should work on becoming more tolerant?

OP, if the bolded part is true, you should be sending your MIL flowers every week even if she never spoke in front of you at all.

[Anonymous]

Not a problem. A benefit. I love to hear and encourage my husband to speak arabic. I've picked up a lot over the years. Kids are fluent. And he occasionally keeps speaking arabic in front of me to others. I gave to ask him to switch. So he's not even as polite as your husband and MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I've tried to figure out why it bothers me and I think it is because using a language I don't understand just underscores the fact that they have a close bond that I do not and cannot share.

How would you feel if your child grows up, marries a speaker of another language, and then is asked by his/her spouse never to speak English with you? Sure you could muddle by in a second language you might share, but you'll instinctively want to speak English with your child.

It is a wonderful thing to have a husband who has such a good relationship with his mom. No, you are not a part of their bond. But you can develop your own bonds with your MIL. Learning more Russian might be one way to do it, but you might also benefit from finding things you have in common. Can she teach you some great recipes? Go for walks with you? Recommend good books? And soon, you'll have the ultimate thing to bond over: a baby you both adore.

[Anonymous]

OP- let it go. If you spoke a second language, I'd bet dollars-to-donuts that you'd speak English with your husband. She's not talking behind your back. Of all the things to complain about, this should be low on the list.

[Anonymous]

The thing I really don't understand is why in three years you haven't learned Russian. I mean, I am sure there are bits and pieces you have picked up, but you have this wonderful opportunity right in front of you.

You wouldn't even have to read the subtitles on The Americans! Cray

[Anonymous]

OMG, can I have your "cultured, not intrusive and very welcoming to me" MIL? She can speak Russian, Chinese, German, Portuguese, or anything else! She does not have to switch to English, she just has to stay nice. OP, I am so jealous, I am about to cry.

[Anonymous]

It's rude but maybe they just want to maintain his Russian skills. Either way they should proactively explain it to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's rude but maybe they just want to maintain his Russian skills. Either way they should proactively explain it to you.

What's rude exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not an issue at all. She is being really considerate. I don't understand the issue. Do you have underlying problems with her that make you think this is a problem?

+1 are you looking for an issue? She is being considerate.

[Anonymous]

You don't have an issue. It sounds like you have a great MIL who just happens to have Russian as her first language.

[Anonymous]

They are being polite by switching. Maybe it's a little special between mother and son to speak russian to each other. You will understand more when you have your own child.

[Anonymous]

Don't let it threaten you that they have their special bond. You can look forward to having these bonds with your kids, hopefully even after they grow up and marry.

OP, my husband and his family have been in this country for more than 30 years and speak English fluently, but naturally like to speak their mother tongue together.

My in-laws not only see no need to try to speak English around me, but will aggressively switch the conversation to their language, even if I was the originator of the conversation and in the middle of it. They even talk about me by name in their language when I'm right there. It's horrible.

It's an enormously good thing that your husband and MIL are so considerate and cultured that they switch to English around you. You shouldn't expect them to give up the comfort of their mother tongue when it's just them together, though.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you spoke a second language you would understand that it is so much easier to really communicate in your native tongue. It is just much more comfortable, easier to express yourself, no thinking required.

I don't think you have a MIL issue but I think your MIL has a DIL issue.