Really? She gets to be pregnant?

[Anonymous]

I understand where both the OP and the disagreeing PPs are coming from. We have all been in a raw and sad place from TTCing with no luck. We have all felt, as one PP said, those mean-spirited feelings, that jealousy, that frustration that we cannot immediately achieve what we want. I've felt that way, and a friend who knows me well analyzed me pretty accurately, saying that when you are "Type A", you are used to putting in effort and achieving great results. You do it at school, you do it at work. When encountering something like trying to get pregnant, it can produce almost debilitating feelings of frustration and inadequacy because we are not used to regular failure. And now we get it monthly! All that said, I also agree wholeheartedly with the other PPs who emphasize the ups and downs of life and the frank unfairness of the world around us. What happens to us in this respect is completely unconnected to what happens to others. Pregnancy is not like a seat on the bus - just because someone else takes a baby doesn't mean the world's supply is now "down one" and that your chances have decreased. People make decisions, some win, some lose - I love the previous PPs comment that everyone struggles, because it is true. Everyone has their own challenges and we shouldn't presume to understand them because we are having our own struggles (though I also know judging each other is part of human nature).

I was a wreck for the first x months of TTCing. I'm now settling in for the long haul and starting to work on my mental state as the months come and go. The latest post on Beyond the Egg Timer really resonates with me, as does other info on managing your expectations and remaining happy and fulfilled in your life even as you are experiencing these monthly disappointments. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beyond-the-egg-timer/201405/managing-your-mind-while-waiting-or-the-baby
Life is short, and to be appreciated even with all its prickles and stings. I know I sound like I'm about to break into kumbaya. I've just been there with the feelings of resentment, hopelessness, desperation - and while I still feel all those things, I am not spending my life in misery - I just refuse.

[Anonymous]

If you are able ultimately to bring a child into your home one way or another, you'll have no room for resentment and anger. I read somewhere a statement by a woman far more charitable than I, who desperately wanted children, that she refused to be angry and bitter because she wanted her future children to know that she had nothing but love and hope waiting for them to arrive in her life.

As someone who "resolved" her infertility by choosing, ultimately, to live without children, I can tell you that the bitterness and resentment will ultimately poison you and every relationship you have if you let it
. Is it fair that my 16 year old high school dropout cousin got knocked up accidentally, & I can't, even with extensive medical intervention? Of course it's not fair, but I also wouldn't want to trade lives with her.

[Anonymous]

She might not have been pregnant. That said, she shouldn't be wasted with her 2-3 year old. Sorry OP. It's not fair.

[Anonymous]

If this was on the infertility board I would be more sensitive, but since you put it here, OP, I will assume you are just impatient and not infertile.

Babies are not a lottery where there are only so many winners. Someone else being pregnant does not take anything away from you or change your chances of getting pregnant and carrying to term.

It is sad that many children are born to parents who are unwilling or unable to provide a minimally safe and healthy home. The choices and societal/environmental factors that lead to some of these adverse outcomes are more complicated than you can imagine - and some might say unfair.

So yes - life is unfair - but even without a biological child of your own you life has likely been much more "fair" than that woman's ever will be by virtue of having a safe and healthy home, decent food to eat, and financial stability to believe you will continue to have a roof and food and a support system. That doesn't make you a better person.

[Anonymous]

I have an idiot BIL who procreated with a barely 20 year old, then had another (because of course after mistake #1 you HAVE to have mistake #2 and go on welfare to support that)

The woman walked out on the kids a couple years ago (took their furniture from my IL's place and told no one she was leaving in the middle of the day while the rest of the family was out), but the current situation has the son living with my BIL (at my ILs house of course, because he can't afford an apartment on his own) and the daughter living 4 hours away with the mom and he former best friend's baby daddy. She sometimes works (?), and the 4 year old can use the f-word in proper context. Stellar parenting.

All the while, we're struggling to add a second child and debating whether or not we should file for custody of our niece and nephew because we don't think either of them is truly a fit parent.

Yeah, life sucks and is unfair and sadly any moron seems to be able to procreate when you can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are able ultimately to bring a child into your home one way or another, you'll have no room for resentment and anger. I read somewhere a statement by a woman far more charitable than I, who desperately wanted children, that she refused to be angry and bitter because she wanted her future children to know that she had nothing but love and hope waiting for them to arrive in her life.

As someone who "resolved" her infertility by choosing, ultimately, to live without children, I can tell you that the bitterness and resentment will ultimately poison you and every relationship you have if you let it
. Is it fair that my 16 year old high school dropout cousin got knocked up accidentally, & I can't, even with extensive medical intervention? Of course it's not fair, but I also wouldn't want to trade lives with her.

Another person who resolved infertility by choosing to be childfree. I agree completely with what you said. Once I was able to let go of bitterness and self-pity, I found that I am now happier and lighter than I have ever been in my entire life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something like this you cannot argue based on logic.

That is like saying why can a woman in CA who is single and on welfare already with six kids, get pregnant again and birth eight kids when many gay couples in the U.S. cannot even legally marry??

One cannot argue the logic of on one hand why one person can rightfully become a parent to 14 healthy children when they are not "fit" to be a parent, yet many loving couples are denied the right to live as a married union just because.



It's just life. And life is never going to be fair. Never.

You can get pregnant without being married, dumb assesment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are able ultimately to bring a child into your home one way or another, you'll have no room for resentment and anger. I read somewhere a statement by a woman far more charitable than I, who desperately wanted children, that she refused to be angry and bitter because she wanted her future children to know that she had nothing but love and hope waiting for them to arrive in her life.

As someone who "resolved" her infertility by choosing, ultimately, to live without children, I can tell you that the bitterness and resentment will ultimately poison you and every relationship you have if you let it
. Is it fair that my 16 year old high school dropout cousin got knocked up accidentally, & I can't, even with extensive medical intervention? Of course it's not fair, but I also wouldn't want to trade lives with her.

Congratulations on your resolution in choosing to be child free. Can I ask why you still peruse TTC forums? (Honest question; I mean absolutely no disrespect.) I'm still in the infertility trenches and online forums have been such a huge support to me. Is it hard to stop frequenting them even though becoming child free was a choice?

[Anonymous]

OP, I know where you're at. I've spent many years wanting this so bad. The point is, though, that while conceiving a child may be easy for this woman, I can guarantee that she wrestles with her own demons every day that are probably darker than you can imagine. Life is unfair in many ways and not everybody has it "perfect".

[Anonymous]

"Not being pregnant" is God's punishment to you for being a mean, judgmental bitch who lacks compassion and empathy.

Seriously, if you're so much better than her and everyone else, why don't you just suck up being childless and be happy with your superior self?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She might not have been pregnant. That said, she shouldn't be wasted with her 2-3 year old. Sorry OP. It's not fair.

+1
I understand the jealousy though. I look 4-5 months pregnant with a 2 year old. Which is why I never assume anyone is pregnant unless they tell me they are.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm so sorry you have to listen to these nasty bitchy responses. What you are feeling is NORMAL. I assume you didn't tell the drunk bitch what you thought of her (and I agree even if she was drunk pushing her 2 yo she's an unfit parent) so I can't fathom why these nasty bs are acting like you are an awful person for posting honest feelings on an online forum.

It is unfair. Period. I read an article yesterday about two 22 yr olds who fed their twin infants water, rice cereal, and baby food because they were too lazy to keep up their food stamps (which would have completely covered the cost of formula) until one died and one was near death. Another mom in our area put her 2 month old in the microwave and cooked her to death. I'm sure the nasty bs don't have an excuse for those. There are just some unfit parents out there and I think you kind if just have to get a little angry at the unfairness and then realize it is what it is.

By the way, I'm hopefully nearing the end of my infertility struggles (was able to successfully have one and another on the way after years of painful trying). And I still feel the anger at the unfairness. But know that when you finally have your little miracle(s) (and despite the pps who gave up most do have kids either through help or adoption) you will be a better parent than you otherwise would have because of this struggle. I honestly think a lot of bad parents (not just unfit ones) had it too easy and so don't appreciate it. I realize that silver lining is far away but just trust me it will come.

[Anonymous]

[quoteclearnonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are able ultimately to bring a child into your home one way or another, you'll have no room for resentment and anger. I read somewhere a statement by a woman far more charitable than I, who desperately wanted children, that she refused to be angry and bitter because she wanted her future children to know that she had nothing but love and hope waiting for them to arrive in her life.

As someone who "resolved" her infertility by choosing, ultimately, to live without children, I can tell you that the bitterness and resentment will ultimately poison you and every relationship you have if you let it.

Congratulations on your resolution in choosing to be child free. Can I ask why you still peruse TTC forums? (Honest question; I mean absolutely no disrespect.) I'm still in the infertility trenches and online forums have been such a huge support to me. Is it hard to stop frequenting them even though becoming child free was a choice?



I do still read the Infertility forum because not pursuing children doesn't change the fact that I'm still infertile. I did have to stop reading for a time while I worked on emotionally healing. I come back now & post occasionally because (1) I've been there, & maybe sharing my TTC/ART experience will be helpful to someone, and (2) living childless not by choice is one option to resolving a infertility crisis. It's one that no one wants to acknowledge or is looked down upon, perhaps in fear (I didn't "give up", as one PP said-I chose to get my life back). I wish peace for everyone in their journey, and I hope I can share that there is hope even in the "worst case": but that's hard to see when you're going through trauma, andewhat you're going through now is emotional trauma.

[Anonymous]

She may not be pregnant. My BFF couldn't breast feed due to meds and two and a half years later has yet to lose her baby bump. Every time my mom sees her, she asks me if BFF is pregnant again! And this is someone who is active and eats pretty healthy- so for a person who drinks like you describe, I can't imagine it would be hard at all to keep that belly fat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Not being pregnant" is God's punishment to you for being a mean, judgmental bitch who lacks compassion and empathy.

Seriously, if you're so much better than her and everyone else, why don't you just suck up being childless and be happy with your superior self?