merging money when you become a family

[Anonymous]

I'd be very sure that you two are on the same page as far as the definition of "things related to our child." I'd want to make sure that things like my prenatal and postnatal care, breast pump and assorted paraphernalia, lactation consultant appointments, nursing bras, maternity clothes, prenatal vitamins, mommy and me type classes, etc. were all joint expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, based on a lot of the posts here about how couples fight about money, you need to talk to your H.

1. If you are both on the same page about money, it's just easier to have one account. Personally, I feel a couple who can maintain a joint account without arguing too much about $ seem to trust each other more.

2. If you have different spending habits and can't come to an agreement, maintain separate accounts, and I'd say put a % of joint income into each of your accounts for spending $. If you need to make it equitable, then put in a % based on your % of HHI. But be aware, if you ever decide to be a SAHM, that will be harder on you.

Totally agree with this statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be very sure that you two are on the same page as far as the definition of "things related to our child." I'd want to make sure that things like my prenatal and postnatal care, breast pump and assorted paraphernalia, lactation consultant appointments, nursing bras, maternity clothes, prenatal vitamins, mommy and me type classes, etc. were all joint expenses.

My husband always offers to split these costs, but honestly, my insurance has covered nearly everything, and since at this time I'm earning more than he is I've been glad to pay for the out-of-pocket costs myself. Things like breast pumps and classes we will surely split, or he'll insist on covering them since I covered the early medical costs.

I am so, so glad I asked this question because you are all giving incredible answers. Thank you so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband always offers to split these costs, but honestly, my insurance has covered nearly everything, and since at this time I'm earning more than he is I've been glad to pay for the out-of-pocket costs myself. Things like breast pumps and classes we will surely split, or he'll insist on covering them since I covered the early medical costs.

I am so, so glad I asked this question because you are all giving incredible answers. Thank you so much.

He sounds very…gallant. But do you really want to be having conversations like these for the rest of your marriage? DH and I have integrated finances from day one, and it seems so much more complicated to be constantly negotiating who pays for what with separate finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband always offers to split these costs, but honestly, my insurance has covered nearly everything, and since at this time I'm earning more than he is I've been glad to pay for the out-of-pocket costs myself. Things like breast pumps and classes we will surely split, or he'll insist on covering them since I covered the early medical costs.

I am so, so glad I asked this question because you are all giving incredible answers. Thank you so much.

He sounds very…gallant. But do you really want to be having conversations like these for the rest of your marriage? DH and I have integrated finances from day one, and it seems so much more complicated to be constantly negotiating who pays for what with separate finances.

+1. I honestly can't imagine not sharing finances, regardless of who earns more. My husband earns 4x what I do but either way, it's OUR money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband always offers to split these costs, but honestly, my insurance has covered nearly everything, and since at this time I'm earning more than he is I've been glad to pay for the out-of-pocket costs myself. Things like breast pumps and classes we will surely split, or he'll insist on covering them since I covered the early medical costs.

I am so, so glad I asked this question because you are all giving incredible answers. Thank you so much.

He sounds very…gallant. But do you really want to be having conversations like these for the rest of your marriage? DH and I have integrated finances from day one, and it seems so much more complicated to be constantly negotiating who pays for what with separate finances.

It's not a negotiation, we just haven't had to really think about it yet because we each arrived at the relationship independent (and on the older side, neither married before), and we have only been married a year. We share most everything with very little discussion about it. But he also needs to buy a lot of things on his own, with his own money, because he's self-employed and needs to declare those things on his tax return each year. And I like to buy things on my own, because it's what I'm used to doing. As we acquire more "things" that we jointly own, the way we share money will no doubt evolve. The baby is our first catalyst to financial change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine writing a check to my wife. In our house, all expenses are "house" expenses, and they're all paid on the joint credit card, which is paid by the joint checking account. The only separate accounts we have are retirement accounts.

+1. We review our expenses monthly so we know where our money is going and we are more accountable but there has never been a discussion of who pays for what and who makes what bc its our money as a family and will be the same when baby comes. We both spend responsibly and independently but pay from a joint account even tho we each have separate checking accounts too (I think we just hold on to them bc we have each had them for so long-- dont really have any use for it). We have only been married a little over a year. We consult with each other before we make a large purchase (over $500) out of respect but neither one of us has ever told the other know. We also save very aggressively each month. We started out trusting each other but now that this is working in practice it only strengthens that trust. Considering this is the #1 reason for divorce, it is worth spending time discussing and coming up with a plan that works best for you both. Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

We've maintained separate accounts from the time we moved in together, through marriage, through having a child in daycare. DH is responsible for fixed expenses like rent, the car payment, insurance, phones, gym membership, etc. I pay all the utilities, groceries, and discretionary stuff like kids clothes and activities, medical bills, etc.. It's never seemed unfair or complicated to me. It's still "OUR money" and we rarely discuss who is responsible for what because we review budgets together and have savings goals. We opened a joint account when we got married but never got around to changing EFTs and direct deposits. We realized we were happy the way things were and stayed the course. Now the joint account is where we deposit the money our DC's received as gifts. If/when I SAH I'm sure we'll have to change but for now it works for us!

A few years ago I participated in the research for this article on how couples manage their finances. It's a really great read and offers a lot of different perspectives:

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/home_economics/2011/01/our_newlywed_money_dilemma.html

[Anonymous]

We merged all our finances from day-one of our marriage and for us it helped to reinforce trust and the feeling that we are a team and in this life together. I can't imagine having to write checks to each other to cover expenses. We have joint checking and savings accounts and one credit card. Both names are on our mortgage. Only retirement accounts are individual.

DH especially insisted that we think of money and expenses as "ours" (and he's always earned more, except for a brief period of unemployment). It made my taking time off to be a SAHM more comfortable when we already had that attitude established.

A couple ground rules that help...we discuss any expenditure over $100 with each other. And, we both are involved in regular financial activities...He handles paying bills (although there have been stretches when I handled that) but I'm the one who monitors account balances and overall spending. I handle taxes but he took the lead when we refinanced the mortgage. This way we both feel involved in what's going on.

[Anonymous]

We merged all of our finances on Day 1, too. We are married; all of our money is our money. (If it matters to anyone reading, I came into the marriage with more assets and he has way more debt; his salary is higher than mine.)

Our income now is both of our income, combined. We make a budget every month using You Need a Budget (YNAB) software.

We never actually switched to new bank accounts. We made each other co-owners of each other's accounts, and we pay bills out of both. (I pay all the bills, actually, but I pay some out of his account.) but everything is transparent through YNAB - there's no his/hers.

Almost everything is budgeted jointly, but we keep our own categories in YNAB for our personal spending "allowances" (which are roughly equal) and untracked cash for both of us. That's so we don't drive each other crazy nickel and diming each other's choices for everyday things.

For big purchases (outside our own budget categories) we always discuss before buying, and we always have to make sure we have money in the category available.

It's really helped us to be closer as PARTNERS in the marriage, planning for the future together.

[Anonymous]

My husband pays for the mortgage and I pay for all house utilities and child related stuff (summer camp/ after care). He makes more than triple what I make. It works for us.

[Anonymous]

We each have our own checking accounts, but can freely transfer $ back and forth as needed. We have joint savings. Everything is essentially merged on to one Quicken spreadsheet- so we each know what is what regarding our finances. At the end of each year, we reconcile and write checks to savings/donations for any extra that has built up in our checking accounts. We each send specific amounts monthly to the joint savings account and write donation checks throughout the year.

We think of the money as "ours" not his and hers. It works for us.

[Anonymous]

We had separate accounts before we had kids. Then when daycare started, I paid for that out of my account while he paid the mortgage. Then we had a second kid, and day care costs were much higher and we've been very tight on money. We were constantly transferring money between each other's accounts to make sure we had enough to cover everything, and about six months ago I threw in the towel and put all we had in one combined account. I liked the idea of having some independence, but let's face it, with two children (or even one), we are totally dependent on each other.

[Anonymous]

Some of the people that do joint finances seem very judgmental...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the people that do joint finances seem very judgmental...

Right?? To me it's semantics. You can still call it "our money" even when it's in individual accounts. It's odd to imply someone's marriage has less trust simply because of how they choose to manage their money.