merging money when you become a family

[Anonymous]

After nearly 10 years of marriage, we still have separate accounts that our salaries are direct deposited into. I prefer it this way so I can easily see if my employer paid me the expected amount. Our expenses on the other hand are on joint CC accounts or are otherwise known (mortgage), and agreed on. It would be easy for one of us to support a kept woman (or man) without the other knowing. Otherwise, no downsides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

+1. It is scary how judgmental a lot of the joint finance people are. We do separate and we're happy with it. I'd happily answer any questions others had about how we structure it but I'd never suggest my way was somehow superior to how others do it nor would I try to push my system of beliefs on others.

Another clear indicator of how this is coming from a conservative/fundamentalist POV. Because of course conservative/fundamentalist types would NEVER try to push their system of beliefs on others!

Joint finances work for people. Great. Fab. But it doesn't make it the One True Path.

And somehow I'm guessing that even people with 100% joint finances still have affairs and get divorced. Despite all that deep trust and one-ness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Joint finances work for people. Great. Fab. But it doesn't make it the One True Path.

And somehow I'm guessing that even people with 100% joint finances still have affairs and get divorced. Despite all that deep trust and one-ness.

Seriously - didn't anyone here see "Blue Jasmine"? This stuff really happens. I work for a women's organization that teaches financial literacy to women of all ages. The #1 advice: ALWAYS HAVE AT LEAST SOME MONEY OF YOUR OWN. No matter how much you love and trust your partner. Have. Your own. Money. It's irresponsible not to.

[Anonymous]

We have joint finances because we think it's easier that way (since the spouse who hates dealing with/often used to forget to pay bills now never has to), we both make about the same salaries, and money isn't really something we argue about. But I'd never tell someone else they need to do the same thing. Just because a few people in this thread are getting judgmental doesn't mean everyone who's got joint bank accounts agrees with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Joint finances work for people. Great. Fab. But it doesn't make it the One True Path.

And somehow I'm guessing that even people with 100% joint finances still have affairs and get divorced. Despite all that deep trust and one-ness.

Seriously - didn't anyone here see "Blue Jasmine"? This stuff really happens. I work for a women's organization that teaches financial literacy to women of all ages. The #1 advice: ALWAYS HAVE AT LEAST SOME MONEY OF YOUR OWN. No matter how much you love and trust your partner. Have. Your own. Money. It's irresponsible not to.

I'd be curious whether any of the divorced folks had any thoughts regarding whether they wish they'd done joint or separate. Unfortunately, statistically speaking, it's a reality one has to consider. Perhaps though, as a lawyer, my perception is skewed because I saw a lot of people that got very nasty during their divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine not having 100% joint finances with my husbands. Bills come out of joint account. Paychecks going into joint checking/savings. We need something, we buy it. If its super expensive, we discuss it.

Why make it complicated? I don't think I could be married to a man to didn't trust me to be financially responsible, or if I couldn't trust him to be.

Why are you drawing the conclusion that separate bank accounts (left over from our separate, pre-marriage lives) = lack of trust? You trust each other or you don't. My husband and I have talked extensively about our financial philosophies; we are on the same page, we just haven't needed to merge things until now.

We all come into marriage with existing accounts, I think. We're not child brides.

I link it to trust, because non-joint finance couples -- like 15:33 -- always say (or suggest) that they keep their finances separate so they can spend "their own money" any way they like. As if joint accounts means you now have to get permission every time you want to buy lunch or a new blouse or whatever. Or they want to keep the cost of certain items a secret from their spouse.

To me, the only explanation for having separate accounts is to "protect what's mine" -- which suggests you don't trust your partner.

Right now for us it is really to allow each person to balance his/her account and to split responsibility for actually opening bills, making sure it is correct, and paying in a timely fashion. If we had a true joint account to it would likely fall on one person to manage all the bills. When the aftercare bill is incorrect, I'm emailing to get it corrected since I both pay the aftercare bill and have the dependent care account. When our cable bill is incorrect, DH calls. There is also this feeling I want to avoid of having to tell the person in charge of the finances every time I spend money so that person can balance the account. Oh, I sent my mom $100 gift card, oh I went out to lunch today and used the debit card etc.

We added each other to our accounts but I will admit that was post marriage and two kids. I always wanted to make sure I had at least a mortgage payment or two saved away in case DH went thru a mid life crisis and wanted to leave me for a much younger woman. Never say never but I feel fairly confident DH would make sure his kids were taken care of at a minimum. I would also like to think after 15 years I know my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After nearly 10 years of marriage, we still have separate accounts that our salaries are direct deposited into. I prefer it this way so I can easily see if my employer paid me the expected amount. Our expenses on the other hand are on joint CC accounts or are otherwise known (mortgage), and agreed on. It would be easy for one of us to support a kept woman (or man) without the other knowing. Otherwise, no downsides.

I have no dog in this fight either way, but why couldn't you check on the deposit if it was a joint account?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I basically make the same amount of money, so we pool everything together and it works for us. We don't even have separate accounts anymore, but we married right out of school and so basically came into the marriage with 0 dollars, equal debt, equal salary.

Two solutions I have seen that seem to work for couples who arent' comfortable with total merging:

1) combine a set percentage of your income into a joint account and all family/household expenses go through that. The percentage is useful when there's a big discrepancy in salary.

2) combine all money into a joint account, but each partner maintains a separate account with "their own money." My boss, who makes the same as her husband, does this and they use their separate accounts for fun stuff like girls' weekends, golf trips, spa treatments. Otherwise, they manage the household together.

This works for us. Direct deposit X amount into the joint account. Leftover $ stay in personal account for lunches, personal maintenance, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can join accounts and never question it, talk about "our money" instead of "I will buy this for myself with my money" your marriage will succeed.
If you end up arguing and discussing bout her money/his money I guarantee you...it won't end well.

Only couples who have joint finances without even ever thinking about it twice really trust each other and have truly become one.

LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you, this is really helpful.

I am salaried but my husband is self-employed and his income varies from year to year. Sometimes he makes more than me, sometimes less.

I'm not sure we can afford a nanny or daycare, at least not for a while. I'm hoping to be able to work from home a few days a week and pay a college student to be a "mother's helper" while I'm there. My Mom will take the baby one day a week. Not sure what we'll do the rest of the time.

I hope you/ husband can remain the primary caregivers of your baby. Your mother/relatives are generally the next best option. Use the sitters for supplemental care. Congratulations, btw.

You really showed up in this thread to discuss that?

[Anonymous]

+I'm a big fan of the "your, mine and ours"

All monies go into the "ours" accounts and then we both draw an allowance ($200 or so a month) from the ours account to the Yours and mine accounts. This has served us well for 15 years.

At one point he made twice as me, for a few years I made more, he was unemployeed.

We are equal partners in our marriage, no reason why we can't have equal "salaries"

If you want something that you can't afford from your "walk around" money you have to ask and agree. We haven't ran into any problems yet. Gym classes, new clothes, there really hasn't been a problem. If I want to spend $200 on new boots, if I buy it with my money - he can't say a thing! Household money is needs, yours and mine money is wants.

All the kid's expenses come from the household account.