merging money when you become a family

[Anonymous]

If you have similar philosophy on money, and neither of you had a major personal debt, I think it's easier to just go joint account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the people that do joint finances seem very judgmental...

I noticed that too. There's nothing to be insecure or judgy about - how we share money isn't a measure of the quality of our relationships. We're all doing what makes sense for us at the moment, and seeking information to help us decide what will work best in the future. (I'm the OP.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We merged all of our finances on Day 1, too. We are married; all of our money is our money. (If it matters to anyone reading, I came into the marriage with more assets and he has way more debt; his salary is higher than mine.)

Our income now is both of our income, combined. We make a budget every month using You Need a Budget (YNAB) software.

We never actually switched to new bank accounts. We made each other co-owners of each other's accounts, and we pay bills out of both. (I pay all the bills, actually, but I pay some out of his account.) but everything is transparent through YNAB - there's no his/hers.

Almost everything is budgeted jointly, but we keep our own categories in YNAB for our personal spending "allowances" (which are roughly equal) and untracked cash for both of us. That's so we don't drive each other crazy nickel and diming each other's choices for everyday things.

For big purchases (outside our own budget categories) we always discuss before buying, and we always have to make sure we have money in the category available.

It's really helped us to be closer as PARTNERS in the marriage, planning for the future together.

Funny, this is *exactly* what we do yet I described us as having separate finances. Love YNAB!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine writing a check to my wife. In our house, all expenses are "house" expenses, and they're all paid on the joint credit card, which is paid by the joint checking account. The only separate accounts we have are retirement accounts.

This^^^^^^


We have been merged from day one. Day.One.

My BIL and his wife have not merged. We go out to eat and on the rare occasion when he offers to pay, the two of them look at each other to see whose 'turn' it is to pay.

This is complete insanity to me. We don't have allowances, we trust each other to not spend irresponsibly and that's it - an adult relationship. I pay all of the bills - I make sure we are saving and my wife doesn't wreck the boat.

[Anonymous]

^You might want to consider that others (there are several examples in this post actually) have designed far more effective systems to handle separate finances.

[Anonymous]

15:20 here. Meant to say "far more effective systems than the one your BIL is using to manage separate finances."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^You might want to consider that others (there are several examples in this post actually) have designed far more effective systems to handle separate finances.

But the question remains: If you are a couple and trust each other, why do you feel the need to keep scrupulous track of what's "yours" and what's "theirs"?

Far too many posters on this forum have reported that any expenses related to children seems to end up in the "hers" column. Which...wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^You might want to consider that others (there are several examples in this post actually) have designed far more effective systems to handle separate finances.

But the question remains: If you are a couple and trust each other, why do you feel the need to keep scrupulous track of what's "yours" and what's "theirs"?

Far too many posters on this forum have reported that any expenses related to children seems to end up in the "hers" column. Which...wow.

The simple answer to the kids expenses question is to have a joint credit card and joint bank account from which expenses for the child are paid just like any other joint household expense.

On your other question, I don't consider it a trust issue at all. For example, DW likes to buy clothes. For her, it's not just about having something to wear, she enjoys the experience of shopping and having a new outfit. Me? I could care less and wear clothes until they're falling apart. Once or twice a year I like going for a trip with my guy friends to the beach and it's something she doesn't do with her girl friends. It's a money management thing; we don't have to worry that the other is blowing money on things the other doesn't think are...important maybe...that's not the right word but you get the idea. Also, for joint expenses, I find that it gives us greater ownership (again, not the right word but you get the idea) over the choices we make for joint expenses rather than the money coming from a pooled source where we both might spend it more freely.

[Anonymous]

I cannot imagine not having 100% joint finances with my husbands. Bills come out of joint account. Paychecks going into joint checking/savings. We need something, we buy it. If its super expensive, we discuss it.

Why make it complicated? I don't think I could be married to a man to didn't trust me to be financially responsible, or if I couldn't trust him to be.

[Anonymous]

16:49. I only have 1 husband. LOL. Now THAT would be complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine not having 100% joint finances with my husbands. Bills come out of joint account. Paychecks going into joint checking/savings. We need something, we buy it. If its super expensive, we discuss it.

Why make it complicated? I don't think I could be married to a man to didn't trust me to be financially responsible, or if I couldn't trust him to be.

Why are you drawing the conclusion that separate bank accounts (left over from our separate, pre-marriage lives) = lack of trust? You trust each other or you don't. My husband and I have talked extensively about our financial philosophies; we are on the same page, we just haven't needed to merge things until now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine not having 100% joint finances with my husbands. Bills come out of joint account. Paychecks going into joint checking/savings. We need something, we buy it. If its super expensive, we discuss it.

Why make it complicated? I don't think I could be married to a man to didn't trust me to be financially responsible, or if I couldn't trust him to be.

Why are you drawing the conclusion that separate bank accounts (left over from our separate, pre-marriage lives) = lack of trust? You trust each other or you don't. My husband and I have talked extensively about our financial philosophies; we are on the same page, we just haven't needed to merge things until now.

We all come into marriage with existing accounts, I think. We're not child brides.

I link it to trust, because non-joint finance couples -- like 15:33 -- always say (or suggest) that they keep their finances separate so they can spend "their own money" any way they like. As if joint accounts means you now have to get permission every time you want to buy lunch or a new blouse or whatever. Or they want to keep the cost of certain items a secret from their spouse.

To me, the only explanation for having separate accounts is to "protect what's mine" -- which suggests you don't trust your partner.

[Anonymous]

Nah, we have separate accounts mostly because we're lazy. We were going to go to my husband's only (credit union), but then we found out we couldn't do international wire transfers through it, so we kept mine, too. Sometimes you need a bricks and mortar bank.

He pays the mortgage and a bunch of other bills; I pay utilities and childcare. We both kick into a shared savings. We have both names on all the accounts, and I could log in and see his checking account any time I wanted to, though I don't have any reason to.

We do glance at each other when going out to dinner, though! Just to make sure whoever's going to pay it is able to cover. Although either of us usually can easily cover a dinner tab, it's nice to know your spouse is ready to step in if needed.

[Anonymous]

^ 15:33 here. I'm sorry you inferred there is a lack of trust from my response. All I can say is that couldn't be further from the truth.

[Anonymous]

We have a shared checking account and shared credit cards that are used for all household expenses, dinners out, travel, etc. We put in a certain amount every month that should cover everything--if we have extra, we put it in shared savings, or just leave it there for later use. Sometimes we come up short, and we put more in.

Beyond that, we each have our own accounts to do with what we wish.

I think it's pretty funny that people who 100% pool their monies think that it's the people who don't who are exhibiting a lack of trust. Because to me, if you don't get to have access to all your partner's accounts, you need a lot more trust that he/she isn't blowing through all "their" money and won't suddenly come up short when the household expenses need to be paid.

The people with 100% pooled finances to me seem like controlling fraidy cats, who want to be sure they are aware of where every single penny goes.

Also, I think the ladies who are in 100% pooled finances sometimes doth protest too much--trying to make their arrangement sound all modern and "with it," when really it sounds like a throwback to the 50s where women were beholden to their husbands on all financial decisions.

But if it makes you guys feel better to think you actually are the ones without trust issues, you go right ahead.