For those of you that do the IL vacation, reluctantly

[Anonymous]

lmao at sex on vacation.

[Anonymous]

You and your husband need to get on the same page about how to approach the vacation and the violent child. Like someone else said, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

[Anonymous]

It took one REALLY bad experience for my H to finally get on board with this.

Think ILs claiming the biggest room with the king bed, extra sitting area, and private bath and leaving us (with a 2 year old) the room where the double bed touched 3 of 4 walls and the door could barely open to even get into the room, so we couldn't even make a place for our kid to sleep on the floor, let alone shove 2 adults and a squirmy 2 year old in a double bed. Add in changing plans at the last moment that ended up costing us $$$ and left us having to drag a carseat across country, and that was that.

I'd have him go with the kids alone. He'll likely never want anything to do with it again after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took one REALLY bad experience for my H to finally get on board with this.

Think ILs claiming the biggest room with the king bed, extra sitting area, and private bath and leaving us (with a 2 year old) the room where the double bed touched 3 of 4 walls and the door could barely open to even get into the room, so we couldn't even make a place for our kid to sleep on the floor, let alone shove 2 adults and a squirmy 2 year old in a double bed. Add in changing plans at the last moment that ended up costing us $$$ and left us having to drag a carseat across country, and that was that.

I'd have him go with the kids alone. He'll likely never want anything to do with it again after that.

We ended up on the floor in the living room with a 5yo, while DH's single and kid-free siblings got the bedrooms. We traveled the furthest and had the worst jet-lag as well. Never again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took one REALLY bad experience for my H to finally get on board with this.

Think ILs claiming the biggest room with the king bed, extra sitting area, and private bath and leaving us (with a 2 year old) the room where the double bed touched 3 of 4 walls and the door could barely open to even get into the room, so we couldn't even make a place for our kid to sleep on the floor, let alone shove 2 adults and a squirmy 2 year old in a double bed. Add in changing plans at the last moment that ended up costing us $$$ and left us having to drag a carseat across country, and that was that.

I'd have him go with the kids alone. He'll likely never want anything to do with it again after that.

We ended up on the floor in the living room with a 5yo, while DH's single and kid-free siblings got the bedrooms. We traveled the furthest and had the worst jet-lag as well. Never again.

Omg! I would have headed for a hotel so fast! How did that even happen???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took one REALLY bad experience for my H to finally get on board with this.

Think ILs claiming the biggest room with the king bed, extra sitting area, and private bath and leaving us (with a 2 year old) the room where the double bed touched 3 of 4 walls and the door could barely open to even get into the room, so we couldn't even make a place for our kid to sleep on the floor, let alone shove 2 adults and a squirmy 2 year old in a double bed. Add in changing plans at the last moment that ended up costing us $$$ and left us having to drag a carseat across country, and that was that.

I'd have him go with the kids alone. He'll likely never want anything to do with it again after that.

We ended up on the floor in the living room with a 5yo, while DH's single and kid-free siblings got the bedrooms. We traveled the furthest and had the worst jet-lag as well. Never again.

OP here. This is us. The spoiled SIL gets the biggest room, and the single nieces get their own rooms. WTH??!! I'm the bad guy for speaking up? Are you serious? Its as if they are trying to see how much we can take - push, push, push......Actually, this is a pattern with all of DH's relationships.

Yes, I fully realize this is a DH problem. His family gives him plenty to talk about at therapy, trust me, they should be paying for it over the years.

DH needs boundaries. He has been abused by his family all his life, so he knows no different. I am clearly the opposite. As you can imagine, this does not go over well with the passive aggressive ILs who really do need a smack.

This is not only no vacation, but now I have to worry about my children. I may have to go in order to protect them. I just don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

ughh... my inlaws want a reunion vacation every year. MIL insists everyone stays in one house... the one we pay for. So we try to find the biggest we can afford... 4/5 bedrooms for about 25 people. This summer we have the same expectation but getting a hotel room would be scandalous. Too many people, with too little personal space makes me horribly cranky. I hate it, and can't wait until the week is over!! Plus, this eats up our vacation budget so we have never been on a family vacation separate from the in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took one REALLY bad experience for my H to finally get on board with this.

Think ILs claiming the biggest room with the king bed, extra sitting area, and private bath and leaving us (with a 2 year old) the room where the double bed touched 3 of 4 walls and the door could barely open to even get into the room, so we couldn't even make a place for our kid to sleep on the floor, let alone shove 2 adults and a squirmy 2 year old in a double bed. Add in changing plans at the last moment that ended up costing us $$$ and left us having to drag a carseat across country, and that was that.

I'd have him go with the kids alone. He'll likely never want anything to do with it again after that.

We ended up on the floor in the living room with a 5yo, while DH's single and kid-free siblings got the bedrooms. We traveled the furthest and had the worst jet-lag as well. Never again.

Omg! I would have headed for a hotel so fast! How did that even happen???

DH's sisters are a lot meaner than he is. This woke him up though and we are never traveling with his family again if we don't get our own space. Actually, he's ready to not travel anywhere that requires a plane ride. If they want to see us, they come here from now on. They've visited other family nearby but haven't bothered to see us, even for dinner. No skin off my nose, I'm sure they can be nice people, but they made it clear what they thought of me and my kid (DH is DS's stepfather).

We couldn't afford a hotel on top of what we'd already contributed to the house. We don't make a lot and the whole trip was a budget stretch to begin with. The only good thing that came out of that trip with them is that both DH and MIL realized that yes, DH is constantly being taken advantage of by his sisters. Before, MIL would tell DH to stop complaining and just deal with it because 'that's just how they are'. She hasn't said anything like that since that trip.

[Anonymous]

11:21 again. We travel with my family too, but our family unit gets 1 bedroom while my kid-free siblings bunk down together/in the living room. And my parents watch DS least twice so we can have some kid-free time.

My parents' beach house is 3 bedrooms, plus two family rooms with pull-out couches, so the pecking order for bedrooms are: old people, kids, couples, singles (my uncle and his family visit too). We also stagger visits, so the house is only maxed out for 2 nights. That way we see everyone, but someone leaves before we start to piss each other off.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you confronted your husband? Have you drawn a line in the sand and said this is not acceptable and I will NOT have it? Because that is what you need to do, plain and simple. Stop hemming and hawing about the unfairness and your spineless husband. Just say NO, mean it, and stick to it. Then let the chips fall where they may. Simple.

[Anonymous]

15:51 again. My husband had a history of letting his mother and sister take advantage of him and walk all over him. He was definitely on the bottom of the totem pole in his family growing up since he is such a people pleaser.

Well, I am NOT a people pleaser, and I insisted on the boundaries. Sure, there was much wringing of hands on his part for awhile, but now he is very comfortable with saying no to them. It's awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:51 again. My husband had a history of letting his mother and sister take advantage of him and walk all over him. He was definitely on the bottom of the totem pole in his family growing up since he is such a people pleaser.

Well, I am NOT a people pleaser, and I insisted on the boundaries. Sure, there was much wringing of hands on his part for awhile, but now he is very comfortable with saying no to them. It's awesome.

OP here. How did you make this change? Its been years and many different therapists. His family is truly horrible. I know they all need therapy together, but that will never happen. They accept zero responsibility. Of course, they hate me because I am so different from them and was treated like a human being in my family, unlike him in his family. They resist change on all levels, and are very military like, manipulative and sneaky - to the point of being abusive (I know not all military people are like this, but in his family, it only exacerbated underlying issues).

I am glad to know I am not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:51 again. My husband had a history of letting his mother and sister take advantage of him and walk all over him. He was definitely on the bottom of the totem pole in his family growing up since he is such a people pleaser.

Well, I am NOT a people pleaser, and I insisted on the boundaries. Sure, there was much wringing of hands on his part for awhile, but now he is very comfortable with saying no to them. It's awesome.

OP here. How did you make this change? Its been years and many different therapists. His family is truly horrible. I know they all need therapy together, but that will never happen. They accept zero responsibility. Of course, they hate me because I am so different from them and was treated like a human being in my family, unlike him in his family. They resist change on all levels, and are very military like, manipulative and sneaky - to the point of being abusive (I know not all military people are like this, but in his family, it only exacerbated underlying issues).

I am glad to know I am not alone.

This was our / my husbands family as well but they are not military. It took quite a few years of me finally starting to stand up for myself and my kids. Yes, protecting my kids was my final straw. I finally told dh at that time I would not attend his family functions any longer unless things changed. Also if the family could not respect me or the kids, then the kids would not attend functions as well. When I finally refused on Easter morning to attend, and instead put on my cleaning clothes, my husband knew I was serious and that I had enough. I think my husband also got tired of hearing me complain for so many years. Neither of us wanted to argue or fight about it anymore, as it was starting to effect our marriage. That when he grew a pair.

If I were you I would call the mil and be honest.mi would tell her that you all are looking forward to af amply vacation together but are inquiring about the sleeping arrangements. Tell her that from the past the sleeping arrangement wer not conducive for your family or kids. Also tell her that you all just need a little more room and if there is any way for her to reserve a larger room for your family of 5, that would be great. If not that you all would be getting a hotel or simply not attending.

Again my point is try to be honest up front so that you don't hold onto resentment any longer to any of the family members. All you can do is ask and she if she will oblige. If not, you can lie your head down on a pillow and sleep at night without a conscience as you know you have tried 100% if you decide to not go.

Good luck! It's a tough boat to be in, but your husband also needs to learn that he need to stand up for his wife and family and respect your feelings first and foremost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:..those that don't (and MIL herself) can move on to the next thread....

I likely will not attend this year, but MIL has a way of giving my family (her son) the worst accommodations. MIL invites visitors, but there is barely enough room for family she invites. My family sleeps five to a room, while the others have their own rooms. DH will not speak up, and I am "terrible" if I speak up. Sons in law only can speak up, they are male; not daughters in law, not sons, sometimes daughters can.

We have our own vacation place and time, so this cuts into that, on top of the miserable experience. Only what sons in law or daughters say counts, and it makes for a horrible experience. DH insists on going. Should I book a hotel for them ahead of time, or wait until we get there, I suppose is the ultimate question? Should I send MIL an email telling her that the amenities she pointed out will not work for us? I real don't know what to do - I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, so I may as well speak up.

DH and I work and we can not show up early like the ILs do, to claim the biggest space for the fewest people, in their case.

Since you have your own vacation place, you could tell your MIL that you will "visit" them for a few days instead of for the whole vacation since it cuts into your own vacation days. This would free you up to stay at a hotel for the shortened vacation. DH could go a few days early if he insists but then join you when you arrive at the hotel.

MIL will probably still throw a fit but I would focus on hotel serenity instead.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sex on vacation! THAT is the answer! Thanks, PP