If your teen is bi, should you let him/her have same gender sleepovers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a stupid damn question.

Why?

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster from the other thread with the 13 year old. I can assure you, it is NOT a stupid question and it is one we are grappling with now. DD has a friend who she says is her girlfriend and has wanted a sleepover. I discussed with the therapist and we agreed that this is not a good idea. Like a PP said, I don't want to "punish" her for coming out to us. But OTOH, if it were a boyfriend, I wouldn't allow a sleepover either. So we framed it as, we're taking her seriously, and that means no sleepovers with someone you are attracted to because it could lead to emotional and physical situations that you aren't yet mature enough to handle. And especially my DD because she is already really struggling emotionally.

Another PP mentioned what is your obligation to other parents and I am also not sure what to do there. She has not had a sleepover since she came out to us. But if she is invited by a friend (a platonic friend, not a girlfriend), do I have an obligation to tell the other parents?

[Anonymous]

Dan Savage, sex radical, queer activist and Catholic Dad, has emphatically said "No!" to this issue. He also said "Don't bullshit your parents."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the reason to be afraid of teen sex is pregnancy...seems like if you're still worried about sex this way then you just don't want her to enjoy herself.

I'd add STDs to that. And just the fact that sex is a very emotional step to take. One that young teens may not be ready for.

[Anonymous]

Really good question. If you've already had a discussion about sexual orientation with your teen you should also be having the talk about being sexually active. Whether or not you talk with your kid, they're going to start having sex- in some form- before you think they're ready for it.

I would have an honest discussion with my kids about it but would be inclined to not allow it. But my primary concern with my kids and sex is pregnancy, so I'm not sure what we'd do.

I know I'd be grateful my kids were open, honest, and secure enough in our relationship to have the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Goodness. It seems to me that if you didn't allow your daughter to have sleepovers because she believed she was bisexual, you would in fact be punishing her for telling you she is bisexual. Is that the message you want to send?

Of course that's not the message I would want to send. But the situation is what it is. If she is bi-sexual, I would have to look at the girls that she hangs around with as potential sexual partners, the same way I would with boys.

OP, look at what you're doing. You're denying her a basic experience of the tween and teen years -- sleepovers -- because you're afraid she'll have sex with the girls she invites over. As a PP noted, just because a girl is gay doesn't mean she'll have sex with every girl she encounters. I'm sorry, but it seems punitive to me. I suspect you are not at all okay with this.

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Goodness. It seems to me that if you didn't allow your daughter to have sleepovers because she believed she was bisexual, you would in fact be punishing her for telling you she is bisexual. Is that the message you want to send?

Of course that's not the message I would want to send. But the situation is what it is. If she is bi-sexual, I would have to look at the girls that she hangs around with as potential sexual partners, the same way I would with boys.

OP, look at what you're doing. You're denying her a basic experience of the tween and teen years -- sleepovers -- because you're afraid she'll have sex with the girls she invites over. As a PP noted, just because a girl is gay doesn't mean she'll have sex with every girl she encounters. I'm sorry, but it seems punitive to me. I suspect you are not at all okay with this.

It is no more or less punitive than a straight girl not being allowed to have a straight boy sleep over. What applies to straight should apply to gay and to bi. So if you would tell your straight 13 yr old Sally that sure straight Johnny can sleep over in her bed/room then you should allow to same for bi Sally to have bi or straight johnny or bi or lesbian Jane in her bed/room. And if you don't agree with one, then you don't agree with the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Goodness. It seems to me that if you didn't allow your daughter to have sleepovers because she believed she was bisexual, you would in fact be punishing her for telling you she is bisexual. Is that the message you want to send?

Of course that's not the message I would want to send. But the situation is what it is. If she is bi-sexual, I would have to look at the girls that she hangs around with as potential sexual partners, the same way I would with boys.

OP, look at what you're doing. You're denying her a basic experience of the tween and teen years -- sleepovers -- because you're afraid she'll have sex with the girls she invites over. As a PP noted, just because a girl is gay doesn't mean she'll have sex with every girl she encounters. I'm sorry, but it seems punitive to me. I suspect you are not at all okay with this.

It is no more or less punitive than a straight girl not being allowed to have a straight boy sleep over. What applies to straight should apply to gay and to bi. So if you would tell your straight 13 yr old Sally that sure straight Johnny can sleep over in her bed/room then you should allow to same for bi Sally to have bi or straight johnny or bi or lesbian Jane in her bed/room. And if you don't agree with one, then you don't agree with the other.

I disagree that it's the same thing. Regardless of sexual orientation, same-sex friendships are essential to kids, and sleepovers are a typical activity for kids this age. You are setting up a barrier to friendship based on the belief that your child is going to have sex with any girl she is friends with.

Now if she has a girlfriend and asks to have a sleepover with her, of course I would say no to that. (That, by the way, is the situation Dan Savage was referring to - a 14 YO gay boy and his slightly older boyfriend.) But that's not what you're asking about, is it? And you're not even asking about other bisexual or lesbian girls, right? You're talking about friends. Are you going to keep her home from slumber parties too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Goodness. It seems to me that if you didn't allow your daughter to have sleepovers because she believed she was bisexual, you would in fact be punishing her for telling you she is bisexual. Is that the message you want to send?

Of course that's not the message I would want to send. But the situation is what it is. If she is bi-sexual, I would have to look at the girls that she hangs around with as potential sexual partners, the same way I would with boys.

OP, look at what you're doing. You're denying her a basic experience of the tween and teen years -- sleepovers -- because you're afraid she'll have sex with the girls she invites over. As a PP noted, just because a girl is gay doesn't mean she'll have sex with every girl she encounters. I'm sorry, but it seems punitive to me. I suspect you are not at all okay with this.

It is no more or less punitive than a straight girl not being allowed to have a straight boy sleep over. What applies to straight should apply to gay and to bi. So if you would tell your straight 13 yr old Sally that sure straight Johnny can sleep over in her bed/room then you should allow to same for bi Sally to have bi or straight johnny or bi or lesbian Jane in her bed/room. And if you don't agree with one, then you don't agree with the other.

I disagree that it's the same thing. Regardless of sexual orientation, same-sex friendships are essential to kids, and sleepovers are a typical activity for kids this age. You are setting up a barrier to friendship based on the belief that your child is going to have sex with any girl she is friends with.

Now if she has a girlfriend and asks to have a sleepover with her, of course I would say no to that. (That, by the way, is the situation Dan Savage was referring to - a 14 YO gay boy and his slightly older boyfriend.) But that's not what you're asking about, is it? And you're not even asking about other bisexual or lesbian girls, right? You're talking about friends. Are you going to keep her home from slumber parties too?

No I am not under the belief that my daughter will have sex with any girls she is friends with, just like I am not under the belief that she will have sex with any boy she is friends with. I don't allow her to have sleepovers with boys as long as they aren't her boyfriend either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Goodness. It seems to me that if you didn't allow your daughter to have sleepovers because she believed she was bisexual, you would in fact be punishing her for telling you she is bisexual. Is that the message you want to send?

Of course that's not the message I would want to send. But the situation is what it is. If she is bi-sexual, I would have to look at the girls that she hangs around with as potential sexual partners, the same way I would with boys.

OP, look at what you're doing. You're denying her a basic experience of the tween and teen years -- sleepovers -- because you're afraid she'll have sex with the girls she invites over. As a PP noted, just because a girl is gay doesn't mean she'll have sex with every girl she encounters. I'm sorry, but it seems punitive to me. I suspect you are not at all okay with this.

It is no more or less punitive than a straight girl not being allowed to have a straight boy sleep over. What applies to straight should apply to gay and to bi. So if you would tell your straight 13 yr old Sally that sure straight Johnny can sleep over in her bed/room then you should allow to same for bi Sally to have bi or straight johnny or bi or lesbian Jane in her bed/room. And if you don't agree with one, then you don't agree with the other.

I disagree that it's the same thing. Regardless of sexual orientation, same-sex friendships are essential to kids, and sleepovers are a typical activity for kids this age. You are setting up a barrier to friendship based on the belief that your child is going to have sex with any girl she is friends with.

Now if she has a girlfriend and asks to have a sleepover with her, of course I would say no to that. (That, by the way, is the situation Dan Savage was referring to - a 14 YO gay boy and his slightly older boyfriend.) But that's not what you're asking about, is it? And you're not even asking about other bisexual or lesbian girls, right? You're talking about friends. Are you going to keep her home from slumber parties too?

No I am not under the belief that my daughter will have sex with any girls she is friends with, just like I am not under the belief that she will have sex with any boy she is friends with. I don't allow her to have sleepovers with boys as long as they aren't her boyfriend either.

If you don't think she'll have sex with any girl she's friends with, I would think you'd let her have sleepovers as long as they're not with her girlfriend. And are you going to let her attend slumber parties?

[Anonymous]

How about sleep away camp? You know, where she shares living space like a tent, cabin or dorm room with girls. Will you allow that?

[Anonymous]

Maybe these "bisexual" girls, should pick a side and stick to it. When everyone is a presumed sexual partner, society including parents have to deal accordingly.

[Anonymous]

I would only allow sleepovers with opposite sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe these "bisexual" girls, should pick a side and stick to it. When everyone is a presumed sexual partner, society including parents have to deal accordingly.

+ 1.

I have seen a teen girl declaring herself a "bi" when her requited crush on a boy did not work out. The club at school (Gay, lesbian, bi, straight alliance?) - declares that sexuality is fluid and they can decide what their sexuality is every day. Sexuality is not shoes that you can change according to your outfit. Besides, how much of life have they seen to decide what their sexuality is?

The so-called "bi" girls still are having crushes on males at school. Most of the times these teens are just hormonal and confused by the resultant lust!