If your teen is bi, should you let him/her have same gender sleepovers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you've already talked to your teen about peer pressure and how you would like him/her to handle it.

You have got issues!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you serious? "Trendy" for teen girls to say they are bi? What does that even mean?

You must not be under 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you serious? "Trendy" for teen girls to say they are bi? What does that even mean?

You must not be under 30.

You're correct, but not by much. Enlighten me, please!

[Anonymous]

as someone who was a bisexual teen, and who went to many sleepovers, I'd allow it if it was a platonic friendship if we're talking a young teen, and take it on a case-by-case basis with an older teen. The stuff I got up to in HS was usually right after school, not in a sleepover setting where parents were in the house.

[Anonymous]

Don't you see how it is SEXIST to allow a bisexual girl to have a girl over and not a boy? You have to treat them the same. Even though they aren't going to be interested in EVERY female you can't take that chance, just like a boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you serious? "Trendy" for teen girls to say they are bi? What does that even mean?

You must not be under 30.

You're correct, but not by much. Enlighten me, please!

Not the PP but it is extremely cool to be bi in high school and college. It is the new it thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a spin off from the previous thread about gay or bi teens. I have 2 DD who are under the age of 10, so this isn't an issue for me. But it seems to be rather trendy for teen girls to say that their bi. If one of my daughters ever said she was bi, I would be very supportive of her, but I wouldn't allow her to have sleepovers with girls for the same reasons I wouldn't allow them with boys. However, the idea of not letting my daughter have sleepovers with her friends seems very sad to me. Wondering how parents who are in this situation handle it.

Interesting question…just want to point out that there's something else there that's tricky. And that is the obligation to tell the other parent. Let's say my DD is lesbian and wants a sleepover. (Ok I agree with you for same reasons as you stated and wouldn't do it) but if I were going to do it, the other parent and kid needs to know this. But it might still be private info for your kid.

Anyways if my kid was doing a sleepover with anyone who might be interested sexually in my kid, I'd want to know.

Absolutely not! You have no right to out your daughter to anyone, especially not a close friend and the friend's parents! Queer teens face tons of pressure, and there are enough homophobic parents that you could ruin your daughter's relationship with her friend because you are insecure. IF you know the other girl is queer, IF you know that your daughter is interested in her, IF you know that your daughter might want to experiment, ask if she wants you to talk to the friend's parents. Otherwise, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster from the other thread with the 13 year old. I can assure you, it is NOT a stupid question and it is one we are grappling with now. DD has a friend who she says is her girlfriend and has wanted a sleepover. I discussed with the therapist and we agreed that this is not a good idea. Like a PP said, I don't want to "punish" her for coming out to us. But OTOH, if it were a boyfriend, I wouldn't allow a sleepover either. So we framed it as, we're taking her seriously, and that means no sleepovers with someone you are attracted to because it could lead to emotional and physical situations that you aren't yet mature enough to handle. And especially my DD because she is already really struggling emotionally.

Another PP mentioned what is your obligation to other parents and I am also not sure what to do there. She has not had a sleepover since she came out to us. But if she is invited by a friend (a platonic friend, not a girlfriend), do I have an obligation to tell the other parents?

Thank you for the first part!

As to talking to the parents of a platonic friend, why? Your daughter isn't interested, it's irrelevant. And she's going through enough, you don't need to cause her more issues by outing her to the parents and friend when she hasn't chosen to do so herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alright, here's one-

my son is 16, his girlfriend is 16. They've been dating for 4 years. Girlfriend's parents are divorced, lives with mom for the past year or so. Dad lives in another town. Mom is often not around, girlfriend and mom don't really get along. We love girlfriend to death, even though her family has red flags all over it, she's a great kid and spends a lot of time at our house.

Son asks us at midnight one saturday if she can sleep over. She had a huge fight with mom and was alone in her apartment, had been for several days. Girlfriend was really having a rough time. Son said he'd sleep on the couch or in the basement.

Would you allow your son's 16 year old girlfriend sleepover, without her parent's consent?

In this situation, without a second thought. Especially because your son is volunteering to sleep elsewhere. He's not asking because he wants sex or intimacy, he's worried about his girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the reason to be afraid of teen sex is pregnancy...seems like if you're still worried about sex this way then you just don't want her to enjoy herself.

Whaat...??!!

[Anonymous]

I find this thread profoundly depressing. Sexuality is not something that should be a social status thing, a "how cool a parent am I to be so open minded" thing, a state to be bragged about thing, a "selfied" and made into social media piece of internet fodder. Or a new benchmark to be reached to show openness. SEXUALITY IS. We should accept it, respect it, not judge it and educate about it. But this whole thread demeans those who have put their livelihoods and sometimes lives on the line to let people live as they must live. Half the posters on this thread are dealing with sexuality like it's a cool thing, a right-of-passage thing or a Vanity Fair cover or a Vogue spread inspired thing. A boundary to be challenged just because we are running out of boundaries to challenge. A way of rebelling when staying out a bit late has lost its parental outrage mojo. If one of my kids thought that being sexually ambiguous was the new frontier of coolness I would be tempted to give them a good hard shake. And tell them about relatives and friends whose genuine, hard-wired, soul-crucifying need to be respected and able to live freely has impacted their lives in a way that no Katy Perry song, Caitlin reality show or adolescent arrogance can ever articulate. So before you slavishly tell your teens that it's okay to do whatever they want, do tell them that sexuality is not like choosing chicken over fish in a restaurant. A social media brag in this context is like pretending that your tan makes you African American because you want a bit of exoticness and a taste of the struggle. Hey kids. Before you go home to your middle-class existence, your college education and your neo-liberal utopia think about what it means to someone else's struggle to make it a transitory bit of frivolity on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this thread profoundly depressing. Sexuality is not something that should be a social status thing, a "how cool a parent am I to be so open minded" thing, a state to be bragged about thing, a "selfied" and made into social media piece of internet fodder. Or a new benchmark to be reached to show openness. SEXUALITY IS. We should accept it, respect it, not judge it and educate about it. But this whole thread demeans those who have put their livelihoods and sometimes lives on the line to let people live as they must live. Half the posters on this thread are dealing with sexuality like it's a cool thing, a right-of-passage thing or a Vanity Fair cover or a Vogue spread inspired thing. A boundary to be challenged just because we are running out of boundaries to challenge. A way of rebelling when staying out a bit late has lost its parental outrage mojo. If one of my kids thought that being sexually ambiguous was the new frontier of coolness I would be tempted to give them a good hard shake. And tell them about relatives and friends whose genuine, hard-wired, soul-crucifying need to be respected and able to live freely has impacted their lives in a way that no Katy Perry song, Caitlin reality show or adolescent arrogance can ever articulate. So before you slavishly tell your teens that it's okay to do whatever they want, do tell them that sexuality is not like choosing chicken over fish in a restaurant. A social media brag in this context is like pretending that your tan makes you African American because you want a bit of exoticness and a taste of the struggle. Hey kids. Before you go home to your middle-class existence, your college education and your neo-liberal utopia think about what it means to someone else's struggle to make it a transitory bit of frivolity on your part.

Very true. But on the other hand, teens are more open to the idea of considering whether they are heterosexual, bisexual, gay, transgendered, etc. And given what I went through, I would never presume to tell my teen or any other who they are, out them to others before they are ready to do so or make light of what is difficult for most kids (IME).

[Anonymous]

Liars. I am pretty far right on the sexuality scale (AKA I like men! A LOT!) but there was kissing and experimenting as a girl (in a VERY conservative little town.) Children have been playing Doctor with other children of both sexes since we started recording history. I am honored that our daughter has let us know when she has a girlfriend, (she identifies as Bi). But I am so conflicted when her girlfriends' parents ask if she can spend the night. We've said no to this invitation (twice), but she has sleepovers with many other girls, and we don't think it's an issue at all in those situations. But, on the other hand, she has male friends that she's known since birth, and we're ok with sleepovers there, because we know nothing will happen. I don't want her to hide her gfs from us, but I don't want carte blanche either. Our daughter has so many friends of both sexes; I don't want to put the kibosh on any of it. What are other parents doing here? Our girl is about to turn 13.

[Anonymous]

Why would any parents allow sleepovers is totally beyond me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, set the rules explicitly. No sex In the house, regardless of gender.

Next question?

+1 if that's really such a serious concern to you, make it about respecting the house/family.

I think it's fairly unlikely that a sleepover would be the time for any such activity, though. And, quite frankly, I would barely be concerned at all about my teens having sex with a partner of the same gender. I wouldn't be overly concerned either way since by the time they've hit puberty and are of an age to even potentially be interested I've certainly had chats with them about consent & values and made sure they know about safer sex practices, but given that there's no risk of unintended teen pregnancy a bi or gay teen with a same-gender partner isn't at much risk at all.