Am I wrong for refusing to go to my great grandmother's funeral

[Anonymous]

You will not have this chance again, op, I would say go if you would but for your mom/brother. Also, you do not have to travel with your mom, op. Are you 15, is that why you can't drive? Otherwise, take a bus/cab, and get your own hotel room. Get a friend to drive you. You can pay your respects on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My great grandmother just passed away and even though I want to go to pay my respects I just don't think it will turn out good. Since I don't drive I will be forced to take a road trip with my mom and brother. Then stay in a hotel room with theme the issues come in that one, Me and my family have a terrible drama filled relationship. My youngest brother is very disrespectful and my mother defends. My mom mood is moody it's either her way or she's ready to try and fight you. We have never been able to get alone for long periods of time. And my grandmother is in denial (we have a small family). I'm tired of being the underdog in my family. I'm constantly supposed to take all the low blows and disrespect from everyone around me and never say anything.I've made several attempts to set boundaries with my family and it never works. It's clear my family will never respect me and I'm tired. I'm honestly to the point where I'm ready to distant myself from them. The stress of being around them has been to much. I'm going through a lot of other things also and just think this will be to much am I wrong for not going?

1. Call your grandma and express your condolences.
2. Call your mom and express your condolences.
3. Tell them that you just can't go because of work, school, whatever.
4. Send flowers.
5. Don't go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, but an old person's funeral isn't about you, your comfort, and your convenience. There is nothing about this situation that is meant to be pleasant or fun.

Old people have few friends left to mourn them. This is a "suck it up" experience. You need to go. There is no one there for whom this will be convenient or pleasant. Pay your dues.

Selfish post.

This

Agree

Bullshit. You don't have to attend a funeral to mourn a person. Funerals are for the living. They can chose to celebrate the life of the deceased, they can mourn their loss or they can do both. It's not about the dead person. It's about how the people who knew that person feel.

That's a lovely airy-fairy notion, but you try being the minister/rabbi/officiant at the funeral of an eighty year old and looking out at two or three people attending the funeral. Yeah. I'm sure it makes the family feel great to know that everyone is off "celebrating" the life of the deceased at the mall or some such.

You sound like you are about 19 years old. We all have social obligations. We fulfill them. That's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, but an old person's funeral isn't about you, your comfort, and your convenience. There is nothing about this situation that is meant to be pleasant or fun.

Old people have few friends left to mourn them. This is a "suck it up" experience. You need to go. There is no one there for whom this will be convenient or pleasant. Pay your dues.

Selfish post.

This

Agree

Bullshit. You don't have to attend a funeral to mourn a person. Funerals are for the living. They can chose to celebrate the life of the deceased, they can mourn their loss or they can do both. It's not about the dead person. It's about how the people who knew that person feel.

That's a lovely airy-fairy notion, but you try being the minister/rabbi/officiant at the funeral of an eighty year old and looking out at two or three people attending the funeral. Yeah. I'm sure it makes the family feel great to know that everyone is off "celebrating" the life of the deceased at the mall or some such.

You sound like you are about 19 years old. We all have social obligations. We fulfill them. That's life.

Oh, so it's about the minister/rabbi/officiant being uncomfortable because there are so few people there. And if there are a lot of people at the funeral the family won't feel so bad? I've lost my father, two brothers, my step-father and my in-laws (among others) and I don't remember how many people were at the funerals. I do remember having a great time at their celebrations of life. Guess we have a different way of grieving. Doesn't mean it isn't valid. Oh, and I lost my paternal grandparents. I was overseas when my grandfather died and here in DC when my grandmother died. I didn't attend either funeral. My parents didn't see the point. When I next came home, we all got together to talk and remember them. My maternal grandmother is over 100. My sister and I don't plan to attend her funeral either. Instead, we celebrate her birthday. Now, I have gone to funerals of other people when circumstances called for it. But, in OP's case, there's no need for her to go. BTW - I'd love to be 19 again!

[Anonymous]

Its your great grandmother, you don't have money, you have to travel, and your family uses you as a punching bag. It will be worse at the funeral where everyone will say they were "grieving" when they said cruel and abusive things -- they lashed out, so sorry. No way that I would go. Just send regrets and some flowers if you can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will not have this chance again, op, I would say go if you would but for your mom/brother. Also, you do not have to travel with your mom, op. Are you 15, is that why you can't drive? Otherwise, take a bus/cab, and get your own hotel room. Get a friend to drive you. You can pay your respects on your own.

And for that you can be thankful. Don't go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its your great grandmother, you don't have money, you have to travel, and your family uses you as a punching bag. It will be worse at the funeral where everyone will say they were "grieving" when they said cruel and abusive things -- they lashed out, so sorry. No way that I would go. Just send regrets and some flowers if you can afford it.

Agree with this analysis & advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but an old person's funeral isn't about you, your comfort, and your convenience. There is nothing about this situation that is meant to be pleasant or fun.

Old people have few friends left to mourn them. This is a "suck it up" experience. You need to go. There is no one there for whom this will be convenient or pleasant. Pay your dues.

Selfish post.

It is not like they are watching and will know who or how many people morned their death….

[Anonymous]

If you were close to your grandmother and this is her mother, it would be good to go and pay your respects.

Take the bus or rent a car to get there if you can't handle a road trip. If you can't afford it, put headphones on and listen to music the whole way there. bring a book and read in the lobby while others are fighting in the hotel room. You can choose to not be part of the family drama. Don't engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, but an old person's funeral isn't about you, your comfort, and your convenience. There is nothing about this situation that is meant to be pleasant or fun.

Old people have few friends left to mourn them. This is a "suck it up" experience. You need to go. There is no one there for whom this will be convenient or pleasant. Pay your dues.

Selfish post.

This

Agree

STRONGLY DISAGREE.

Whether an old person having few friends left to mourn them has nothing to do with a great grandchild wanting to avoid the personal damage of dealing with the attendees of the funeral.

OP can pay her respects internally. A funeral is not the sole gateway to mourning or acknowledgement of the loss. My mother did not even WANT a funeral.

OP: this is as good an opportunity as any to cut your losses and remove yourself from this dynamic. Whatever your great grandmother meant to you is for you to decide and deal with in your own way. And if your family doesnt get it, you wont be surprised.

You have my support and that of any person who deals with realities of a toxic family.

[Anonymous]

OP: you already know in your heart its best to cut ties. Be bold and do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, but an old person's funeral isn't about you, your comfort, and your convenience. There is nothing about this situation that is meant to be pleasant or fun.

Old people have few friends left to mourn them. This is a "suck it up" experience. You need to go. There is no one there for whom this will be convenient or pleasant. Pay your dues.

Selfish post.

This

Agree

Bullshit. You don't have to attend a funeral to mourn a person. Funerals are for the living. They can chose to celebrate the life of the deceased, they can mourn their loss or they can do both. It's not about the dead person. It's about how the people who knew that person feel.

That's a lovely airy-fairy notion, but you try being the minister/rabbi/officiant at the funeral of an eighty year old and looking out at two or three people attending the funeral. Yeah. I'm sure it makes the family feel great to know that everyone is off "celebrating" the life of the deceased at the mall or some such.

You sound like you are about 19 years old. We all have social obligations. We fulfill them. That's life.

Why are the minister/rabbi/officiants feelings the issue here? What if the family in question is being sinful? You clearly take comfort in a very simplistic idea of what right and wrong is, and what life is. There are others who have to grapple with REAL issues that are complicated.

Maybe you should take a closer look at your own understanding of scripture and the basic tenets of your religion and look into your own shortcomings and judgemental attitudes in relation to those. You clearly have some work to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My great grandmother just passed away and even though I want to go to pay my respects I just don't think it will turn out good. Since I don't drive I will be forced to take a road trip with my mom and brother. Then stay in a hotel room with theme the issues come in that one, Me and my family have a terrible drama filled relationship. My youngest brother is very disrespectful and my mother defends. My mom mood is moody it's either her way or she's ready to try and fight you. We have never been able to get alone for long periods of time. And my grandmother is in denial (we have a small family). I'm tired of being the underdog in my family. I'm constantly supposed to take all the low blows and disrespect from everyone around me and never say anything.I've made several attempts to set boundaries with my family and it never works. It's clear my family will never respect me and I'm tired. I'm honestly to the point where I'm ready to distant myself from them. The stress of being around them has been to much. I'm going through a lot of other things also and just think this will be to much am I wrong for not going?

1. Call your grandma and express your condolences.
2. Call your mom and express your condolences.
3. Tell them that you just can't go because of work, school, whatever.
4. Send flowers.
5. Don't go.

THIS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will not have this chance again, op, I would say go if you would but for your mom/brother. Also, you do not have to travel with your mom, op. Are you 15, is that why you can't drive? Otherwise, take a bus/cab, and get your own hotel room. Get a friend to drive you. You can pay your respects on your own.

I doubt OP is 15 you idiot. A lot of people dont drive for a variety of reasons. Maybe OP cant afford a hotel room. Good grief people here live in a bubble.

[Anonymous]

You sound rather young. I'm sorry you have such an antagonistic family, but unless they have abused you, you should regard this as practice to hold your head up high and go with them. Do not engage at their level, model good behavior, bring earphones.

My mother acted unforgivably the last time I was forced to be with her. However, I would do it again for my great-grandmother.