Am I wrong for refusing to go to my great grandmother's funeral

[Anonymous]

My great grandmother just passed away and even though I want to go to pay my respects I just don't think it will turn out good. Since I don't drive I will be forced to take a road trip with my mom and brother. Then stay in a hotel room with theme the issues come in that one, Me and my family have a terrible drama filled relationship. My youngest brother is very disrespectful and my mother defends. My mom mood is moody it's either her way or she's ready to try and fight you. We have never been able to get alone for long periods of time. And my grandmother is in denial (we have a small family). I'm tired of being the underdog in my family. I'm constantly supposed to take all the low blows and disrespect from everyone around me and never say anything.I've made several attempts to set boundaries with my family and it never works. It's clear my family will never respect me and I'm tired. I'm honestly to the point where I'm ready to distant myself from them. The stress of being around them has been to much. I'm going through a lot of other things also and just think this will be to much am I wrong for not going?

[Anonymous]

I would only go if you had your own transportation and hotel room. My mom can be the same way. They aren't going to change so you have to.

[Anonymous]

If you don't want to go, don't go. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

Just keep in mind that you need to consider whether you'll be able to deal with the shit your family will give you for NOT attending.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. I know what it's like when you feel like you're in a den of snakes.

But in some families, missing a funeral is a huge deal. Is it like that with your family? Is it worth the tradeoff if you're buying yourself a lifetime of "you didn't come to great-grandmother's funeral and we will never forgive you"?

[Anonymous]

This is the OP,

I'm starting to learn that no matter what I do or how I act it will never be enough to please them. They constantly hold things from years ago against me still to this day. The reason my mom always defends my brother is because we could never get along ever since I was a child. I became closer to my grandmother and she resented it. Now my brother is her golden child. I honestly don't see how our relationship can get any worse. They want me there for the perfect family image and I envision me being stranded on this road trip with them acting the fool behind the scences

[Anonymous]

OP, if you want to go then find a way to do it on your own terms without relying on your family for transportation and housing. If you can't do that, then don't go. If you lean on them for all of the assistance it's pretty hard to carve out your own independence.

My condolences on your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you want to go then find a way to do it on your own terms without relying on your family for transportation and housing. If you can't do that, then don't go. If you lean on them for all of the assistance it's pretty hard to carve out your own independence.

My condolences on your loss.

I totally agree - and echo what a PP said. Funerals are for the iiving, not the dead.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but an old person's funeral isn't about you, your comfort, and your convenience. There is nothing about this situation that is meant to be pleasant or fun.

Old people have few friends left to mourn them. This is a "suck it up" experience. You need to go. There is no one there for whom this will be convenient or pleasant. Pay your dues.

Selfish post.

[Anonymous]

Were you close with her?

If not, funerals are not parties. They are not meant as "seen, and be seen" events.

If you want to go bc you want to celebrate her and her life, I agree with a pp - figure out a way to get there on your own. If you can't, do something locally to celebrate her life. Maybe your church can memorialize her in some way at the Sunday service?

Lastly, you are right, no matter how you act or what you do, you can not change how your mom or brother act. Since according to you no matter what you do they get upset about, only do what you personally want to do because there is no possbile choice you can make that will appease them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but an old person's funeral isn't about you, your comfort, and your convenience. There is nothing about this situation that is meant to be pleasant or fun.

Old people have few friends left to mourn them. This is a "suck it up" experience. You need to go. There is no one there for whom this will be convenient or pleasant. Pay your dues.

Selfish post.

This

[Anonymous]

Rent a car and get your own hotel room. If you can't drive then at least get your own hotel room. I would go and be polite yet distant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, but an old person's funeral isn't about you, your comfort, and your convenience. There is nothing about this situation that is meant to be pleasant or fun.

Old people have few friends left to mourn them. This is a "suck it up" experience. You need to go. There is no one there for whom this will be convenient or pleasant. Pay your dues.

Selfish post.

This

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, but an old person's funeral isn't about you, your comfort, and your convenience. There is nothing about this situation that is meant to be pleasant or fun.

Old people have few friends left to mourn them. This is a "suck it up" experience. You need to go. There is no one there for whom this will be convenient or pleasant. Pay your dues.

Selfish post.

This

Agree

Bullshit. You don't have to attend a funeral to mourn a person. Funerals are for the living. They can chose to celebrate the life of the deceased, they can mourn their loss or they can do both. It's not about the dead person. It's about how the people who knew that person feel.

[Anonymous]

Some people have emotional connections to funerals, visiting gravesites, etc - and others don't. For some people, those things are important for them to properly say goodbye or connect with their loved ones. For others, those things are for the living - and not for the dead. But you can still feel your grief or connection without ever going to a funeral or grave.

If it's important for you to attend those things, then find a way - rent a car, hire a driver, or have your own hotel room. If not, then skip it. You can distance yourself from frustrating family members, but don't let that be the reason to stop you from going to the funeral, if it's important to you. Simply find another way.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP-

I would love to go pay my respects but the thing is I don't have the money to do so. I'm in the process if having to move out and my place in a week with no idea where I'm moving to next and job hunting, I literally don't have the funds even if I wanted, I'm struggling.