Am I wrong for refusing to go to my great grandmother's funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound rather young. I'm sorry you have such an antagonistic family, but unless they have abused you, you should regard this as practice to hold your head up high and go with them. Do not engage at their level, model good behavior, bring earphones.

My mother acted unforgivably the last time I was forced to be with her. However, I would do it again for my great-grandmother.

Her family abuses her emotionally. Her great grandmother protected her from her difficult family. Why would she want to travel with those family members alone?

Also, her great grandmother probably wouldn't want to see her suffer from the stress that those family members are probably going to unleash on her during the trip and after the funeral.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for your loss. Ultimately, this has to be your decision, especially if you feel very strongly one way or another - which it sounds like you do.

That being said I would personally recommend that you attend, unless you believe that traveling with your family to attend the funeral would put you at risk of a domestic abuse situation or at risk of significant emotional trauma. If one of those is likely to occur, send your grandmother and mother both carefully worded sympathy notes in which you offer your condolences and apologize that you cannot attend the funeral, and arrange to have a flower arrangement sent to the funeral home.Obviously do not attend with your family if they have abused you to to the point that attending would endanger your safety, in that case your paramount obligation is to protect yourself. Otherwise, not attending a funeral for the sake of your own emotional comfort is not something I would personally recommend as an acceptable approach.

Instead I would suggest that you look at this as an unpleasant social obligation that you nonetheless have to fulfill. For the trip - Plan in advance one or two polite but distant phrases to use as a deflector when your relatives start in on you, and otherwise just ignore them save for needed communication or the bare necessities of politeness. For the funeral - you're going to need to be far more polite than you were on the road trip. They will be disrespectful to you, but you don't have the luxury of returning that. Overwhelm them with kindness and grace, and vent to a journal or a close friend later. It will hurt, but you can do this. I know you can do this, and if nothing else you will know you've taken the high ground and met your obligation to support the family.

Again, I'm very sorry for your loss, and I wish you peace and the grace of any deity you might believe in as you make a decision about what to do at this difficult time.

[Anonymous]

I think funerals are for supporting the people that are upset about it. So, if there is someone you want to support there, then go. But,honestly, look at your posts. You don't want to go, and I don't blame you, you're family sounds unkind. I wouldn't go in your shoes.

[Anonymous]

11:33 here. And just politley give a reasonable excuse for not going. "I really wanted to go, but I can't because of work or the baby or my kids, etc." Just give a brief reason why if people ask. Don't say it's because of the family drama.

[Anonymous]

Funerals are one of those things we go to because that's just what people do. Except in extreme situations, they're a social obligation people are stuck with whether they like it or not. If you consider this an extreme situation where going to the funeral is not something you are willing to do based on family drama, I would make sure to have a flower arrangement sent in your name and write condolence cards to your grandmother and whichever of your parents was the grandchild of the deceased. Share your sympathy, an offer of support of a type that you would be willing to follow through on, and express your regrets at not being able to attend - like 11:35 said, pick a reasonable but vague excuse. However, I would make this an absolute last resort, because not attending a funeral is something that is just not done in some families, and you'll have to judge whether this is the case for yours.

[Anonymous]

OP: Think about this: You are sad; you are grieving. You are vulnerable. And your family is right there ready to use you as a punching bag. Will they hold back? Did they hold back before? Now they have the perfect excuse -- grief made them do it. Your first responsibility is to protect yourself. Your great grand is sadly no longer there to protect you. Stay home and grieve in peace. {{{hugs}}}

[Anonymous]

You don't have to be there to pay your respects. You can go to a house of worship and light a candle. Or go someplace quiet and think of what the person meant to you. Attending a funeral is not the only way to mourn.

[Anonymous]

Don't go.

[Anonymous]

I think you should go to the funeral but not take any more shit from your relatives. See if you can pull it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, but an old person's funeral isn't about you, your comfort, and your convenience. There is nothing about this situation that is meant to be pleasant or fun.

Old people have few friends left to mourn them. This is a "suck it up" experience. You need to go. There is no one there for whom this will be convenient or pleasant. Pay your dues.

Selfish post.

This

Agree

STRONGLY DISAGREE.

Whether an old person having few friends left to mourn them has nothing to do with a great grandchild wanting to avoid the personal damage of dealing with the attendees of the funeral.

OP can pay her respects internally. A funeral is not the sole gateway to mourning or acknowledgement of the loss. My mother did not even WANT a funeral.

OP: this is as good an opportunity as any to cut your losses and remove yourself from this dynamic. Whatever your great grandmother meant to you is for you to decide and deal with in your own way. And if your family doesnt get it, you wont be surprised.

You have my support and that of any person who deals with realities of a toxic family.

+1


OP, I support your decision to not attend your grandmother's funeral. I too come from a toxic family and I truly understand where you are coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to be there to pay your respects. You can go to a house of worship and light a candle. Or go someplace quiet and think of what the person meant to you. Attending a funeral is not the only way to mourn.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Don't go.

[Anonymous]

How about an update, OP? Did you go?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you can't afford to go an independent adult - which would mean traveling on your own, paying and staying in a hotel on your own. This is the way to survive a tense family. You pay your own way, and therefore it's just you. You don't answer to them. Since it sounds like this is not possible, I wouldn't go.

[Anonymous]

I think you suck it up and go.
Then to block out your mom and brother, watch TV or wear earphones and listen to music, and if they notice/inquire just say, "I'm super sad and just want to think about Great Grandma." Go on a lot of walks. Just try to be by yourself a lot to minimize interactions.