Totally Freaked About the Entire College Industry and Game

[Anonymous]

I'd buck the stupidity and go to community college.

[Anonymous]

I'm loosely in the higher ed industry. There are over 2,000 univerisities in the US (1,200 are research-level and/or grant graduate degrees). Surely you can find one that suits your child's needs. Ignore the rankings. The most important thing is to visit the school and ideally have your kid sit in on a class (without you there) or stay with students overnight. They should pick what feels best. In reality, a lot of the top 50 schools are too big for some people. I went to one of the smaller top 25s, and one of my favorite classes was this class of only 9 students. I took it only because I liked the professor (academically) -- it was in philosophy and not my major. Part of waht made it so great is that the intimacy of such a small class helped me educationally. My 90-person classes.. not so much.

[Anonymous]

OP ~ if you aren't going to enjoy the ride, don't engage.

[Anonymous]

Or if you don't enjoyed being ripped off, don't engage. Most kids aren't ready for that kind of responsibility, either.

[Anonymous]

OP - agree with other posters that you need to calm down because your anxiety will have a negative impact on your child, who already sounds like she is pretty anxious about the whole thing. Your job as a parent is to stay calm and help guide her through the process, not get her into an Ivy…

Here's my advice:

-Ignore the surrounding peer pressure! Find the school that fits your DD's needs and where she feels comfortable - do not base it on what others around you will find acceptable. Your DD is certainly not the only kid at her school who is not trying to get into an Ivy and she certainly is not the only one stressed by the process. Don't let the "squeaky wheel" parents/kids who can't let go of the process bring your family's experience down.

-Look at a few schools with your daughter. She needs to see the schools in person to get a good feeling of what to expect. She needs to get excited about seeing herself somewhere.

-Guess what? Kids in college have sex and they drink. They did it when you were in college and they continue today. You need to let that go - your kid is growing up. If you have raised your child right and with your family values then she will make the right decisions overall. She may make some mistakes along the way, but that is what we all do and it's nothing to freak out about! Also, there are plenty of college kids who are NOT constantly having sex and drinking. Again, your DD is not the only one who isn't comfortable with this. She will need to find where she feels comfortable and go from there. And once again, your role as a parent is to guide her through this - not shield her from everything.

-Your DD is anxious about the process and is venting to you every one of her little fears. Let her vent and realize its all because of being a little scared. It's a big transition in life and one that many kids get anxious about. You can help her to get through this by being calm yourself.

Good luck with everything!

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your state of mind is common on the front end of the front end of the process. The good news is, as you transition from thinking about college to the practicalities of actual admissions process, you'll be surprised how much of this pressure will ease -- both for you and your daughter. A few observations based on our experience:
-- The only book we bought was the Fiske Guide. It doesn't use a ratings system but does provide a comprehensive and straightforward snapshot of each school, from academics to dorm life to drinking culture. It's a great reference if you're saying to yourself, I wonder what the deal is with Franklin and Marshall?
-- Just look at a bunch of schools when you're traveling. Look at big ones, small ones, city campuses, university towns. This will give you real images to mull, to balance out the paranoid visions of frat parties, etc.
-- Don't look at the college itself as the destination. Think about what the college will do for your child's personal and intellectual growth. As soon as the acceptances start rolling in, you will back in control of the process, and it's important that your daughter has choices that will give her real opportunities over four years, as opposed to just a line on her resume. Neither of my college kids attended the best schools they got into, FWIW.
-- Be realistic about money and you're going to play any part of this game, work that angle and cull schools on the front end based on aid prospects. I highly recommend The College Solution, a blog that focuses a lot on financing college.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is a roller coaster, with seemingly random outcomes and lots of seemingly insider info and games.

You need to accept this, and find a way you can live with it, and without transferring your anxiety to your child. The PPs suggesting disengaging completely and doing community college are not helpful, unless community college seems like a good option (and for many, 2 years there before the state school is actually a fantastic option). The PPs suggesting seeing the process as a way to work with your kid to understand him better are right on the mark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is a roller coaster, with seemingly random outcomes and lots of seemingly insider info and games.

You need to accept this, and find a way you can live with it, and without transferring your anxiety to your child. The PPs suggesting disengaging completely and doing community college are not helpful, unless community college seems like a good option (and for many, 2 years there before the state school is actually a fantastic option). The PPs suggesting seeing the process as a way to work with your kid to understand him better are right on the mark.

OP here. And thank you to all for your suggestions. It just seems that everyone is top whatever or bust when even admissions officers at top schools will verify that there are many schools where someone can get a good education. Again, is there really a huge difference between #50 and #61?

So what is the truth? Does tier 2 or 3 mean your kid will never have a good career? I see people with Ivy who have never reached anywhere near their goals (not every graduate can be the editor of Time or head of Morgan Stanley). And then at work I see colleagues from no-names who are very highly respected. It just seems that their has been this entire industry created on people's insecurities about their kids.

Regarding community college, not necessarily in that direction, but would be open to a local school for a year or two and then transfer with good grades.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm with you. I also think you've answered your own questions.

Our oldest is just a freshman but she says kids at her FCPS high school (one of the lower ranked ones) are alreay going on and on about college. She is already frustrated and feeling pressure which I find so sad.

I think rankings are way overrated. My take is that yes, there are the Ivies and MIT and Stanford etc. There are also the top publics including UVA, U Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana etc. After that, I think you can pretty much lump them into one big pot. Anyway, graduate school is what really counts in terms of reputation and lasting contacts in your child's field, not where they went to undergrad.

There are many paths to success and aside from possible contacts and the old wealth/old boy networks from school, I don't think that much else counts. Plenty of people are successful without those contacts.

DH and I went to large mid western public universities. We found that if you well there (graduate in top 5% of your major) and you can get into many top graduate schools which is ultimately what counts. For a smaller experience in a large state U, check into the honors programs which are terrific. If your child is pretty certain of their interests, search out the schools with strong programs in those fields.

Self motivation, the ability to put yourself out there and often a bit of luck are more important IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm with you. I also think you've answered your own questions.

Our oldest is just a freshman but she says kids at her FCPS high school (one of the lower ranked ones) are alreay going on and on about college. She is already frustrated and feeling pressure which I find so sad.

I think rankings are way overrated. My take is that yes, there are the Ivies and MIT and Stanford etc. There are also the top publics including UVA, U Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana etc. After that, I think you can pretty much lump them into one big pot. Anyway, graduate school is what really counts in terms of reputation and lasting contacts in your child's field, not where they went to undergrad.

There are many paths to success and aside from possible contacts and the old wealth/old boy networks from school, I don't think that much else counts. Plenty of people are successful without those contacts.

DH and I went to large mid western public universities. We found that if you well there (graduate in top 5% of your major) and you can get into many top graduate schools which is ultimately what counts. For a smaller experience in a large state U, check into the honors programs which are terrific. If your child is pretty certain of their interests, search out the schools with strong programs in those fields.

Self motivation, the ability to put yourself out there and often a bit of luck are more important IMHO.

I went to a no-name and agree with top percentage of major. We had the Big 4 accounting firm and major banks on campus, but you definitely had to have strong grades and leadership activities. At a better known school, they would probably throw out some of the grade requirements.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Didn't you post that you work with people who went to top tier schools and other schools, too? Doesn't that answer your question? College is just the beginning. My friend's niece went to a school that's not in the top 100 -- she didn't get into her first choice school -- and she is one of the most successful people in her cohort because she got lucky and got one good job that led to another good job that led to another terrific, her current, job ... You sound just as overwrought as your original post. I hope you can calm down and get some perspective. It's a long process, and our children need parents who can manage their own anxiety. (ns ignore the idiotic rankings!) Me, I basically said screw it. My child couldn't believe how child I was. Poor kid was a wreck. I gave him pep talks all the time.

[Anonymous]

how CHILL I was

[Anonymous]

Read this book OP, it is a silly book but made me laugh. Jane Austen in Scarsdale Or Love, Death, and the SAT's http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0312366574

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm with you. I also think you've answered your own questions.

Our oldest is just a freshman but she says kids at her FCPS high school (one of the lower ranked ones) are alreay going on and on about college. She is already frustrated and feeling pressure which I find so sad.

I think rankings are way overrated. My take is that yes, there are the Ivies and MIT and Stanford etc. There are also the top publics including UVA, U Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana etc. After that, I think you can pretty much lump them into one big pot. Anyway, graduate school is what really counts in terms of reputation and lasting contacts in your child's field, not where they went to undergrad.

There are many paths to success and aside from possible contacts and the old wealth/old boy networks from school, I don't think that much else counts. Plenty of people are successful without those contacts.

DH and I went to large mid western public universities. We found that if you well there (graduate in top 5% of your major) and you can get into many top graduate schools which is ultimately what counts. For a smaller experience in a large state U, check into the honors programs which are terrific. If your child is pretty certain of their interests, search out the schools with strong programs in those fields.

Self motivation, the ability to put yourself out there and often a bit of luck are more important IMHO.

Great post, especially the bolded. Below the handful of top schools, they really do all blend together. There's a school out there for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm with you. I also think you've answered your own questions.

Our oldest is just a freshman but she says kids at her FCPS high school (one of the lower ranked ones) are alreay going on and on about college. She is already frustrated and feeling pressure which I find so sad.

I think rankings are way overrated. My take is that yes, there are the Ivies and MIT and Stanford etc. There are also the top publics including UVA, U Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana etc. After that, I think you can pretty much lump them into one big pot. Anyway, graduate school is what really counts in terms of reputation and lasting contacts in your child's field, not where they went to undergrad.

There are many paths to success and aside from possible contacts and the old wealth/old boy networks from school, I don't think that much else counts. Plenty of people are successful without those contacts.

DH and I went to large mid western public universities. We found that if you well there (graduate in top 5% of your major) and you can get into many top graduate schools which is ultimately what counts. For a smaller experience in a large state U, check into the honors programs which are terrific. If your child is pretty certain of their interests, search out the schools with strong programs in those fields.

Self motivation, the ability to put yourself out there and often a bit of luck are more important IMHO.

Great post, especially the bolded. Below the handful of top schools, they really do all blend together. There's a school out there for everyone.

I agree with this. Since we are slightly older we have friends who have already done the college admissions and those who are trying also. You can tell who will go where, generally speaking. Ivy candidates have over the top credentials, the next tier are that, and there is a college for everyone else. That does not mean that the other colleges are bad it is just -- you can tell who is going top tier and who will be going to local state.