Taking charity from family?

[Anonymous]

I think them coming out to see you and offering to cover your plane tickets isn't exactly charity. My parents have a ton of miles and frequently offer them up to us. It's not a lifestyle subsidy - it's just a gift of sorts. We don't take them up on it very often but if there's a family function they want us to attend that we would otherwise be unable to and they offer, we do.

If they're not manipulative and there are no strings attached with the offer, I don't see the big deal. It's not like they're sending you a weekly check to cover the groceries.

[Anonymous]

As someone else said, I've learned long ago not to give more than I am willing to give. We have family that we treat (my family) and we have family that treats us (my in-laws). When we are on the end of being treated the key is to be gracious and to contribute something. You don't want people to feel like you are taking advantage and just expect it automatically, don't lift a finger for anything or to help anyone, or have prioritized your money to never have it for trips to visit them but talk about flying off to Florida and just finished a nice flying vacation elsewhere.

You can offer to host the holidays at your place one year or pitch in for groceries if invited to a place they rented or like you say pay for some of the plane tickets. I think when you can pay for nothing at all and can't offer to host at your place then it feels like charity and I wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable year in and year out in that situation.

Now I don't know what they do for the other family members and if you feel like there is an inequity there like they pay for your plane tickets but DH siblings pay their own way. You can't control their actions on that. I personally will set aside the same money for both children and if I spend $700 on plane tickets for one, I will either make the same offer to the other child or spend the same money in a different way. Not that this was your situation but I've seen it where one child opts to go to an expensive school or tries their hand at something that doesn't pay well while the other sibling sacrifices or sucks it up at a job they don't like in order to pay the bills. It doesn't seem right to me to reward the person that made bad financial choices and not give anything to the person that sacrificed because they don't need any help. That starts to go down the path of perceived favorites.

[Anonymous]

Considering this from their perspective - they can either keep money in the bank or use money to facilitate family bonding and memories. To them, it is probably an excellent value - they spend some money and get to have a lovely vacation with all of their kids/grandkids. For this reason I would certainly not think of it as charity, but rather as the grandparents spending money on something they love (time with you!)

[Anonymous]

I don't mean this unkindly but you really need to stop thinking so much about what other people think of your financial situation. There's no shame in not having as much money as your peers or family and putting pressure on yourself to hide your financial situation is pointless. Own it. My DH and I were doing very well financial until we had kids with special needs. Now, we're struggling. You have student loans, we have therapy bills. Whatever. DH's sister is the opposite. Her DH makes tons of money, she stays at home with the kids, they go on fabulous vacations several times a year and have a lifestyle we can only envy. They know our situation and are considerate of it. They don't expect us to give the lavish birthday gifts to their kids that they give ours, they invite us to their parties and celebrations and show that they care about us, not our ability to keep up with them financially. It sounds like your ILs are the same way. What a wonderful thing to rent a house near you so everyone can visit. Don't be ashamed of your situation, own it!

[Anonymous]

Just pay it forward someday, OP. Without all those judgments you project.

[Anonymous]

Think of it from their perspective. They can either spend the money now and get to see their son and their grandchildren every year and build those relationships, or hold on to it, and give it to y'all when they die and its too late for those relationships. If they have the money, in pretty sure they don't mind spending it this way, and I really think it would be helpful for you to learn to accept it graciously, and simply plan to pay it forward someday.

[Anonymous]

Just think of your IL's gifts to your family as a gift to their son, just as you think of your parents' gifts to your family as a gift to you. Parents giving to their children "feels" right.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't see it as charity, I'd see it as your in laws paying to get what they want, which is to get the entire family together.

My parents do this for us occasionally too. It's not always equal (my brother and his wife are well off) but it keeps us getting together which is the most important thing.

[Anonymous]

OP - for most of my 20s I was making 2-4 times what my friends were making and had a job that came with frequent traveller status, miles, hotel points.

I love to pick up dinner or a bar tab or take people on a trip where I pay for the plane tix and hotel. It is not pity and I am not trying to make people feel bad or guilty or like they owe me anything. I just genuinely liked spending time with those people, had more money and perks than I knew what to do with, and love sharing with the people I love. It brings me joy to take someone to a restaurant or a place they could not go otherwise - because I get to share that experience and memory with them.

Sometimes in life the friends who have money don't have time and the friends with time don't have money. By paying the way of my friends who have time, I get to experience things I would not experience alone.

Sometimes charity is selfish like that. Perhaps your inlaws are not pitying you, but selfishly just like spending time with you.

When someone gives you a gift (that they can afford to give) freely and without expectations or strings, you should accept it graciously. If you still feel guilty, pay it forward when you can.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is an excellent time to reconsider your own values and judgments of those who need help. There may be part of you that doesn't want to accept help because you don't want to feel hypocritical when you refuse to help someone in the future or give grudgingly. It may be that you are uncomfortable with losing your moral authority or superiority over people who accept help. Perhaps you don't want to receive so that you don't have to give.

[Anonymous]

OP, here is what you do:

1. Thank them gracefully every year.

2. Enjoy the well-earned vacation with people who love you so much that they are actually prepared to pay to see you!

Really, you are overthinking this. In DH's family, people lend or give each other money all the time. In my family, people would die rather than talk about or exchange money. The former is so much more healthier and loving.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, I appreciate all the responses. I would like to clarify that my concern about inequity is more about the siblings than my MIL and FIL. The other two families pay their own way, and when they come here, they are spending money they wouldn't be spending if the gathering were closer to them. I still feel a bit awkward about MIL and FIL subsidizing plane tickets, but less so than when BIL and SIL's families are spending money on plane tickets to come all the way out here plus a rental house.

To the person who suggested we host, we would absolutely love to host, but we live in a 3BR townhouse and there are 16 of us total (8 adults, 8 children). So that's out.

The way it is shaping up this year actually has me really concerned that my BIL and SIL (and perhaps MIL and FIL too, I don't know) don't believe that we don't have the money to travel and think that I am trying to snub them in some way. We do not take any other vacations unless it is to see my parents (who live much closer to us, within driving distance). This year we can't even do that because our income has decreased for the second year in a row. I don't know how to assure them that this is purely a financial issue without telling them tacky details about how bad things are. Basically they are all coming here and renting a house about an hour away from where we live and said that my older kids can come stay there with them. It sounds to me like they think I don't want to see them and that I'm trying to keep the kids from them by pretending that we can't afford a trip. Nothing could be further from the truth and the fact that they seem to think this is really upsetting to me.

[Anonymous]

PP here, I think I get it. I would feel awkward in the same situation. I think there are three things going on. The biggest is that you are anxious about your own financial situation. You say things are worse this year and you aren't sure you can afford to drive to visit your family. I think focusing energy on improving your situation is probably the first thing. In addition to reducing your stress, if you want to be in a position to contribute anything (towards plane tickets, providing food etc) and it not add to your financial burdens or be able to pay things forward, you have to dig out from the financial issues you have.

I think the next issue is the embarrassment of the financial situation. You mention not getting into the tacky details with in-laws. I'm not sure if this embarrassment is because you feel alone like it doesn't happen to other people, if you made a mistake like not taking out insurance and then having an event happen that cost a lot because you didn't have insurance, or that it reflects badly on you like if you got let go at a job. Whatever the source of embarrassment, it's probably a lot of work to fake carefree and happy while surrounded by all the family. You will have to decide how much honesty you want. My DH was honest with MIL and FIL when I was losing my job. It did impact our plans to go to one family event that year and I felt it was important for them to at least understand what was weighting on my mind. It would have been stressful for me to pretend everything was fine in addition to worrying about finding a job.

The last thing is comparison to other people and feeling like you are coming up short. You mention being in a 3BR townhouse and it being too small to host. Although my DH grew up middle class, his family seemed rich compared to mine. We NEVER stayed at a hotel growing up to visit family because no one had that type of money while it was no big deal for DH's family to stay at a motel/hotel. I remember when a first cousin got married and and I was 16 it was the first time I stayed at a hotel with my family. My dad has a 2 bedroom apt now and some crazy number of relatives stayed with him one holiday. Maybe your husband's family doesn't roll that way. I know my DH is not used to family vacations like that and we have had to reconcile our different experiences and expectations.

Bottom line is you have to feel content with what you can afford to do (I.e. it will be cramped but we can fit 6 people staying overnight and everyone for dinner) and don't feel like because you can't offer as much as someone else it isn't worth offering anything. We have gotten hotels and we have also stayed with family in tight quarters and neither decision was us making a judgement on the host, it was what worked for us for that moment. Usually, if we stay overnight we will try to do something special for the person opening up their home to us, we will take them out for a meal or pay for takeout so the host doesn't have to cook one night. if the person doesn't have us overnight they will usually try to take us out to dinner. Again I get back to showing people that you are willing to make the effort and that you appreciate them. It could be taking off time to show them around town if it didn't work out to have them overnight. Instead of focusing on what you can't do, focus on how you make your in-laws feel like you value them and that you appreciate their willingness to make an effort to see you. As for inequity with BIL and SIL paying more to come out your way, focus on how to make them feel welcome and appreciated for coming to your neck of the woods.

[Anonymous]

OP, MIL helps us out with stuff. I felt weird at first but have now clued in that a) she can afford it and b) she really wants to help.

Your IL's want you there and are willing to help you out with it. Perhaps it's more them wanting you to be with family than it is charity.

[Anonymous]

I don't consider money from family to be charity. Seeing family once a year isn't unreasonable. Granted, spending 2-3k is a lot on a yearly vacation. However, if the inlaws are willing to pay/subsidize some of the costs, then I would go. Family&memories > money (within reason).