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[quote=Anonymous]PP here, I think I get it.  I would feel awkward in the same situation. I think there are three things going on.  The biggest is that you are anxious about your own financial situation.  You say things are worse this year and you aren't sure you can afford to drive to visit your family.  I think focusing energy on improving your situation is probably the first thing.  In addition to reducing your stress, if you want to be in a position to contribute anything (towards plane tickets, providing food etc) and it not add to your financial burdens or be able to pay things forward, you have to dig out from the financial issues you have.

I think the next issue is the embarrassment of the financial situation.  You mention not getting into the tacky details with in-laws.  I'm not sure if this embarrassment is because you feel alone like it doesn't happen to other people, if you made a mistake like not taking out insurance and then having an event happen that cost a lot because you didn't have insurance, or that it reflects badly on you like if you got let go at a job.  Whatever the source of embarrassment, it's probably a lot of work to fake carefree and happy while surrounded by all the family.  You will have to decide how much honesty you want. My DH was honest with MIL and FIL when I was losing my job.  It did impact our plans to go to one family event that year and I felt it was important for them to at least understand what was weighting on my mind. It would have been stressful for me to pretend everything was fine in addition to worrying about finding a job.

The last thing is comparison to other people and feeling like you are coming up short.  You mention being in a 3BR townhouse and it being too small to host.  Although my DH grew up middle class, his family seemed rich compared to mine.  We NEVER stayed at a hotel growing up to visit family because no one had that type of money while it was no big deal for DH's family to stay at a motel/hotel. I remember when a first cousin got married and and I was 16 it was the first time I stayed at a hotel with my family. My dad has a 2 bedroom apt now and some crazy number of relatives stayed with him one holiday.  Maybe your husband's family doesn't roll that way.  I know my DH is not used to family vacations like that and we have had to reconcile our different experiences and expectations.

Bottom line is you have to feel content with what you can afford to do (I.e. it will be cramped but we can fit 6 people staying overnight and everyone for dinner) and don't feel like because you can't offer as much as someone else it isn't worth offering anything. We have gotten hotels and we have also stayed with family in tight quarters and neither decision was us making a judgement on the host, it was what worked for us for that moment.  Usually, if we stay overnight we will try to do something special for the person opening up their home to us, we will take them out for a meal or pay for takeout so the host doesn't have to cook one night.  if the person doesn't have us overnight they will usually try to take us out to dinner.  Again I get back to showing people that you are willing to make the effort and that you appreciate them.  It could be taking off time to show them around town if it didn't work out to have them overnight.  Instead of focusing on what you can't do, focus on how you make your in-laws feel like you value them and that you appreciate their willingness to make an effort to see you. As for inequity with BIL and SIL paying more to come out your way, focus on how to make them feel welcome and appreciated for coming to your neck of the woods.[/quote]

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