WTF Is Wrong with My In-Laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Families are different. My spouse's family calls and sends cards for every conceivable occasion. They go out to nice meals to celebrate them . . . and then get into shouting matches with one another at those meals. My family never calls or sends cards, and gets together far less often . . . but thngs are calm and there's no drama when they get together.

Your feelings are valid, but you need to understand that there's not something "wrong" with your in-laws. They just do things differently than you.

It probably did not even occur to them to call for a 1st birthday because your child will not understand what is happening or remember it later. It doesn't reflect on how much they care about your child or how much they care about you.

Out of curiosity, did your MIL wish you happy mother's day this year? My MIL and my mother both forgot to do that the first year after my son was born. I think it takes grandparents a while to figure out what their role is.

Why in the world would either your mother or your mother in law wish you happy Mother's Day?? You are not their mother! What is wrong with you people?

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. I would be upset too. My ILs are like this. We are expecting our first baby in a month (first grandchild for both sides) and none of them ever ask to speak to me on the phone when they call DH or ask how I'm doing with the pregnancy. His brother and sister won't even acknowledge I'm pregnant. None of them are planning to visit after the baby is born and I doubt I'll get so much as an email from them when I deliver (a baby gift would be out of the question). His father even flat out told us that he has no plans to meet the baby (probably when the child is in middle school). I've just learned to accept that this is how they are and I avoid them as much as possible (they all live out of state).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Families are different. My spouse's family calls and sends cards for every conceivable occasion. They go out to nice meals to celebrate them . . . and then get into shouting matches with one another at those meals. My family never calls or sends cards, and gets together far less often . . . but thngs are calm and there's no drama when they get together.

Your feelings are valid, but you need to understand that there's not something "wrong" with your in-laws. They just do things differently than you.

It probably did not even occur to them to call for a 1st birthday because your child will not understand what is happening or remember it later. It doesn't reflect on how much they care about your child or how much they care about you.

Out of curiosity, did your MIL wish you happy mother's day this year? My MIL and my mother both forgot to do that the first year after my son was born. I think it takes grandparents a while to figure out what their role is.

Why in the world would either your mother or your mother in law wish you happy Mother's Day?? You are not their mother! What is wrong with you people?

Because she is a mother. That's why it is called "Mother's Day" not "YOUR Mother's Day". They sell Mother's Day cards for Aunts, Sisters, etc. none of which would be YOUR mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Families are different. My spouse's family calls and sends cards for every conceivable occasion. They go out to nice meals to celebrate them . . . and then get into shouting matches with one another at those meals. My family never calls or sends cards, and gets together far less often . . . but thngs are calm and there's no drama when they get together.

Your feelings are valid, but you need to understand that there's not something "wrong" with your in-laws. They just do things differently than you.

It probably did not even occur to them to call for a 1st birthday because your child will not understand what is happening or remember it later. It doesn't reflect on how much they care about your child or how much they care about you.

Out of curiosity, did your MIL wish you happy mother's day this year? My MIL and my mother both forgot to do that the first year after my son was born. I think it takes grandparents a while to figure out what their role is.

Why in the world would either your mother or your mother in law wish you happy Mother's Day?? You are not their mother! What is wrong with you people?

Yeah. I don't think they "forgot," pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. I would be upset too. My ILs are like this. We are expecting our first baby in a month (first grandchild for both sides) and none of them ever ask to speak to me on the phone when they call DH or ask how I'm doing with the pregnancy. His brother and sister won't even acknowledge I'm pregnant. None of them are planning to visit after the baby is born and I doubt I'll get so much as an email from them when I deliver (a baby gift would be out of the question). His father even flat out told us that he has no plans to meet the baby (probably when the child is in middle school). I've just learned to accept that this is how they are and I avoid them as much as possible (they all live out of state).

Baby -- that is a totally different situation. Your IL's are cray-cray. OP's IL'S have just not called. You do see the difference don't you?

[Anonymous]

I usually make bday calls in the evening after dinner. People work. If you SAH I would guess that your husband works. Maybe try want to call in the evening to speak their son too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. I would be upset too. My ILs are like this. We are expecting our first baby in a month (first grandchild for both sides) and none of them ever ask to speak to me on the phone when they call DH or ask how I'm doing with the pregnancy. His brother and sister won't even acknowledge I'm pregnant. None of them are planning to visit after the baby is born and I doubt I'll get so much as an email from them when I deliver (a baby gift would be out of the question). His father even flat out told us that he has no plans to meet the baby (probably when the child is in middle school). I've just learned to accept that this is how they are and I avoid them as much as possible (they all live out of state).

Baby -- that is a totally different situation. Your IL's are cray-cray. OP's IL'S have just not called. You do see the difference don't you?

+1!! Fwiw I come from a non birthday oriented family but we love and care about eachother. Just not into the fanfare. My in-laws make a big deal over birthdays and personally I find it narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Families are different. My spouse's family calls and sends cards for every conceivable occasion. They go out to nice meals to celebrate them . . . and then get into shouting matches with one another at those meals. My family never calls or sends cards, and gets together far less often . . . but thngs are calm and there's no drama when they get together.

Your feelings are valid, but you need to understand that there's not something "wrong" with your in-laws. They just do things differently than you.

It probably did not even occur to them to call for a 1st birthday because your child will not understand what is happening or remember it later. It doesn't reflect on how much they care about your child or how much they care about you.

Out of curiosity, did your MIL wish you happy mother's day this year? My MIL and my mother both forgot to do that the first year after my son was born. I think it takes grandparents a while to figure out what their role is.

Why in the world would either your mother or your mother in law wish you happy Mother's Day?? You are not their mother! What is wrong with you people?

Because she is a mother. That's why it is called "Mother's Day" not "YOUR Mother's Day". They sell Mother's Day cards for Aunts, Sisters, etc. none of which would be YOUR mother.

You are crazy and bound to be disappointed often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Families are different. My spouse's family calls and sends cards for every conceivable occasion. They go out to nice meals to celebrate them . . . and then get into shouting matches with one another at those meals. My family never calls or sends cards, and gets together far less often . . . but thngs are calm and there's no drama when they get together.

Your feelings are valid, but you need to understand that there's not something "wrong" with your in-laws. They just do things differently than you.

It probably did not even occur to them to call for a 1st birthday because your child will not understand what is happening or remember it later. It doesn't reflect on how much they care about your child or how much they care about you.

Out of curiosity, did your MIL wish you happy mother's day this year? My MIL and my mother both forgot to do that the first year after my son was born. I think it takes grandparents a while to figure out what their role is.

Why in the world would either your mother or your mother in law wish you happy Mother's Day?? You are not their mother! What is wrong with you people?

Because she is a mother. That's why it is called "Mother's Day" not "YOUR Mother's Day". They sell Mother's Day cards for Aunts, Sisters, etc. none of which would be YOUR mother.

You are crazy and bound to be disappointed often.

How am I crazy? You can go in any CVS and find these cards. I did not make it up.
Neither did I say I expected to get a card. I do not care!
I am terrible about these things, a procrastinator.
However my mom AND MIL are good about sending them and I get cards from both.
It's nice, but not an obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. I would be upset too. My ILs are like this. We are expecting our first baby in a month (first grandchild for both sides) and none of them ever ask to speak to me on the phone when they call DH or ask how I'm doing with the pregnancy. His brother and sister won't even acknowledge I'm pregnant. None of them are planning to visit after the baby is born and I doubt I'll get so much as an email from them when I deliver (a baby gift would be out of the question). His father even flat out told us that he has no plans to meet the baby (probably when the child is in middle school). I've just learned to accept that this is how they are and I avoid them as much as possible (they all live out of state).

Baby -- that is a totally different situation. Your IL's are cray-cray. OP's IL'S have just not called. You do see the difference don't you?

+1!! Fwiw I come from a non birthday oriented family but we love and care about eachother. Just not into the fanfare. My in-laws make a big deal over birthdays and personally I find it narcissistic.

I would love if my ILs would let a birthday go by without fanfare. They celebrate each and every family member's birthday, from teenage grandchildren to adult children. Annoying in the sense that we're all nearby, so literally every month is a trek to their house for a birthday party. They have to throw the party or the birthday doesn't "count" - so DH can have a quiet celebration at our house, but then we all have to get the extended family together for the "real" celebration. Out of town on your birthday? Your party awaits, even a month later. Try this with two adult children, their young families and the grandparents and it is a nightmare to schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Families are different. My spouse's family calls and sends cards for every conceivable occasion. They go out to nice meals to celebrate them . . . and then get into shouting matches with one another at those meals. My family never calls or sends cards, and gets together far less often . . . but thngs are calm and there's no drama when they get together.

Your feelings are valid, but you need to understand that there's not something "wrong" with your in-laws. They just do things differently than you.

It probably did not even occur to them to call for a 1st birthday because your child will not understand what is happening or remember it later. It doesn't reflect on how much they care about your child or how much they care about you.

Out of curiosity, did your MIL wish you happy mother's day this year? My MIL and my mother both forgot to do that the first year after my son was born. I think it takes grandparents a while to figure out what their role is.

Why in the world would either your mother or your mother in law wish you happy Mother's Day?? You are not their mother! What is wrong with you people?

Because she is a mother. That's why it is called "Mother's Day" not "YOUR Mother's Day". They sell Mother's Day cards for Aunts, Sisters, etc. none of which would be YOUR mother.

You are crazy and bound to be disappointed often.

How am I crazy? You can go in any CVS and find these cards. I did not make it up.
Neither did I say I expected to get a card. I do not care!
I am terrible about these things, a procrastinator.
However my mom AND MIL are good about sending them and I get cards from both.
It's nice, but not an obligation.

There is a small market for cards acknowledging someone other than your own mother on Mother's Day because some POS husbands can't be bothered to raise a finger on behalf of his kids, or a woman may be "like a mom" to a sibling or niece, etc. that doesn't mean that we all need to run out and start buying up cards for aunts, sisters, daughters, etc. who are being appropriately feted by their children and partners. Hallmark would love it if you did, but just because they sell a card doesn't mean you need to buy it.

[Anonymous]

I've been married a very long time and here's my advice: do not compare. There is no comparison. You cannot change them. It's really best to simply accept their limitations early on. And be polite and smile, of course!

[Anonymous]

I am the one who originally posted about Mother's Day. I'm a guy, so I don't really give a crap either way, but I think it's odd that my wife called both her mom and her MIL to wish them happy Mother's Day and neither thought to say "hey, you too" when they were already on the phone with her.

[Anonymous]

I do not care if my ILs do not acknowledge my kids. They are focussed entirely on my DH. And my DH who is a very devoted dad, is emotionally aloof from them.

Thankfully, my kids get a lot of love, affection and interaction from my side of the family and so it is the ILs loss.

[Anonymous]

We would get together for the 1 year olds birthday (rarely on the actual date) but outside of that I wouldn't expect my family to call on the actual day. A one year old doesn't know it is their birthday.

So if they live away or you aren't getting together and there is absolutely no acknowledgment of the birthday - no card, no gift, no mention - a complete non event. Then I might find that hurtful. But if they acknowledge it in some way - coming over to celebrate, sending a card or gift or calling - it really doesn't matter if that is on the actual date or not. i don't think it would occur to anyone in my family to get upset or feel hurt by that in any way. We have never made the actual day really important - what is important to us is getting together and celebrating together.