WTF Is Wrong with My In-Laws?

[Anonymous]

Today is my kid's first birthday. She is the only grandchild on both sides of the family. My MIL, FIL, BIL have not called, sent cards, emailed to wish her a happy birthday - nothing. My family has done all of the above and more. I just feel so angry, sad, and resentful - these are not bad people, just not very thoughtful, emotive, or warm. But my daughter deserves better - I'm not looking for a singing telegram, but birthday wishes on her very first birthday doesn't seem too tall an order. I can't help but compare my ILs to my family, and it's night and day. Has anyone else out there experienced similar? Tips for coping, including dealing with spouse? If I try to raise it with my DH, he just becomes upset and defensive (of course he's not responsible for his family's behavior, and he agrees with me that they are short on thoughtfulness. But he refuses to tell his mother how we feel and doesn't want me to do it either, for fear of ruffling her feathers. FWIW, this is a recurring issue.

[Anonymous]

You are too much! Your kid is one, she won't notice either way, but wow she has a long life dealing with you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're not going to change this family. I'd let this one go.

[Anonymous]

its 4h51pm. They have till midnight. Relaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Anonymous]

Dude, let it go. Are they mean to your kid? Are they mean to you? Some people are bad about birthdays and special occasions. Obviously, birthdays are important to you but this is extended family and there is no reason to make such a big deal out of it. FWIW, if these people are generally kind and good to your daughter when they are around, then you will do her a disservice if you complain about them around her (know she is only one now) or let her know that you dislike them. She should have a relationship with them, provided there is nothing else going on.

[Anonymous]

Are you having/did you have a party or family celebration? Are they/did they attend? They may be saving their good wishes for when they can actually see the birthday girl, since it is unlikely she will talk to them on the phone! Chill and be thankful that your family feels as you do. DD does not care.

[Anonymous]

My IL's are the same way. They don't even send DH a card for his birthday. He gets cards from everyone in my family (with money attached often!), but not from his own.

I've learned to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Your poor husband. Calm down.

[Anonymous]

Uh, the day isn't over yet.

[Anonymous]

It's your child's first birthday. Honestly, at this point, any calls of well wishing and congratulations should be to you and your husband for getting successfully through the first year, which is not always a cake walk. Your child will not remember, and in a couple years, you won't care.

My daughter's dad's family is not close. My family is. His mom has seen DD exactly twice, once when she was 2 weeks old and once when she was 1.5. She is now almost 4. Former MIL is a good person and she cares about DD, but buying gifts and being effusive and celebratory is not her style. She doesn't do those things for her children. I find it sad, but I don't expect her to do it for my child.

Complaining to your husband that his family is not warm enough is just asking for conflict. Talking to them about it is not going to result in anything other than discord. Your family was celebratory. You and DH can be celebratory. If his family isn't into that, you will just have to live with it.

[Anonymous]

My in laws didn't call or give my kids anything for their birthdays. I was offended at first then realized I didn't care as long as my family cared.

[Anonymous]

Lay off DH. No wonder he's defensive. This isn't a big deal to them; you know it and he knows it. Why do you want to hash it out with him? Why do you think they should be forced to change? Celebrate if you want to and forget about them.

[Anonymous]

Families are different. My spouse's family calls and sends cards for every conceivable occasion. They go out to nice meals to celebrate them . . . and then get into shouting matches with one another at those meals. My family never calls or sends cards, and gets together far less often . . . but thngs are calm and there's no drama when they get together.

Your feelings are valid, but you need to understand that there's not something "wrong" with your in-laws. They just do things differently than you.

It probably did not even occur to them to call for a 1st birthday because your child will not understand what is happening or remember it later. It doesn't reflect on how much they care about your child or how much they care about you.

Out of curiosity, did your MIL wish you happy mother's day this year? My MIL and my mother both forgot to do that the first year after my son was born. I think it takes grandparents a while to figure out what their role is.

[Anonymous]

What's the point of calling a one year old?

[Anonymous]

Keep bugging the snot out of DH and picking at his family and soon you will be wondering why STBXH is not calling your kid on his birthday!