WTF Is Wrong with My In-Laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Families are different. My spouse's family calls and sends cards for every conceivable occasion. They go out to nice meals to celebrate them . . . and then get into shouting matches with one another at those meals. My family never calls or sends cards, and gets together far less often . . . but thngs are calm and there's no drama when they get together.

Your feelings are valid, but you need to understand that there's not something "wrong" with your in-laws. They just do things differently than you.

It probably did not even occur to them to call for a 1st birthday because your child will not understand what is happening or remember it later. It doesn't reflect on how much they care about your child or how much they care about you.

Out of curiosity, did your MIL wish you happy mother's day this year? My MIL and my mother both forgot to do that the first year after my son was born. I think it takes grandparents a while to figure out what their role is.

Why in the world would either your mother or your mother in law wish you happy Mother's Day?? You are not their mother! What is wrong with you people?

Because she is a mother. That's why it is called "Mother's Day" not "YOUR Mother's Day". They sell Mother's Day cards for Aunts, Sisters, etc. none of which would be YOUR mother.

You are crazy and bound to be disappointed often.

How am I crazy? You can go in any CVS and find these cards. I did not make it up.
Neither did I say I expected to get a card. I do not care!
I am terrible about these things, a procrastinator.
However my mom AND MIL are good about sending them and I get cards from both.
It's nice, but not an obligation.

There is a small market for cards acknowledging someone other than your own mother on Mother's Day because some POS husbands can't be bothered to raise a finger on behalf of his kids, or a woman may be "like a mom" to a sibling or niece, etc. that doesn't mean that we all need to run out and start buying up cards for aunts, sisters, daughters, etc. who are being appropriately feted by their children and partners. Hallmark would love it if you did, but just because they sell a card doesn't mean you need to buy it.

We evidently shop at different stores. Last I looked there were tons of those cards.
ANYHOW, the pint was you can say, acknowledge, send email, smoke signals or psychic vibes to women OTHER OTHER THAN YOUR OWN MOTHER on Mothers Day.

NP again. Sure, you CAN, but anyone who EXPECTS it is absolutely high maintenance. The only people who should be celebrating you on mothers day are your own kids (with your husband's help if necessary).

That is just dumb

[Anonymous]

1) The baby doesn't feel slighted and will never know

2) Your family and your DH's family have different styles. You will never change them. You will only ruin your relationship with your DH if you expect him to nag his family to be more like yours.

3) Mother's Day is a day for children to thank and celebrate their mothers. Any children who fail to make this day special for their mothers suck, unless they are too young to do this themselves, in which case someone else should step in.

4) Anyone else who acknowledges Mother's Day is going above and beyond, something to be appreciated, not expected. No one but the child owes a person a card simply for existing in the world and being a mother to another person. If you send cards to your MIL, your aunts, your DIL's, your cousins who are mothers, other random women who are mothers, well, Hallmark loves you and hopefully those women are touched. But you are not a better person than those of us who don't view the day as an obligation to thank every woman who pushed a baby out of her vagina, had it removed surgically, adopted, or otherwise became a mother. The prize for motherhood is having a child. No one owes you a card every year but your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) The baby doesn't feel slighted and will never know

2) Your family and your DH's family have different styles. You will never change them. You will only ruin your relationship with your DH if you expect him to nag his family to be more like yours.

3) Mother's Day is a day for children to thank and celebrate their mothers. Any children who fail to make this day special for their mothers suck, unless they are too young to do this themselves, in which case someone else should step in.

4) Anyone else who acknowledges Mother's Day is going above and beyond, something to be appreciated, not expected. No one but the child owes a person a card simply for existing in the world and being a mother to another person. If you send cards to your MIL, your aunts, your DIL's, your cousins who are mothers, other random women who are mothers, well, Hallmark loves you and hopefully those women are touched. But you are not a better person than those of us who don't view the day as an obligation to thank every woman who pushed a baby out of her vagina, had it removed surgically, adopted, or otherwise became a mother. The prize for motherhood is having a child. No one owes you a card every year but your child.

I don't know if you are speaking to me -- previous poster who said that people acknowledge other folks BESIDES their mother.
I don't expect ANYONE to acknowledge or celebrate me on Mother's day. MY only point was that people do celebrate others, besides their mother. As proof of that, I pointed out that cards are made for aunts, godmothers, etc. NO WHERE DID I SAY I HAD TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED. And I certainly did not say nor believe that anyone who does not send their mom a card sucks -- that is your issue. I was just questioning your narrow view of mother's day -- not my expectations of it.
Here is a definition of Mothers's Day, in case you are unsure:

Mother's Day is a celebration honoring mothers and motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society. It is celebrated on various days in many parts of the world, most commonly in March or May. It complements Father's Day, a similar celebration honoring fathers.
The celebration of Mother's Day began in the United States in the early 20th century; it is not related to the many celebrations of mothers and motherhood that have occurred throughout the world over thousands of years, such as the Greek cult to Cybele, the Roman festival of Hilaria, or the Christian Mothering Sunday celebration.[1][2][3][4] Despite this, in some countries Mother's Day has become synonymous with these older traditions.[5]

[Anonymous]

1848+ some families do not make a big deal about birthdays or calling/sending something on that day or even doing cards.

And on Mother's Day I give a card/gift to my mom, she does not give one to me, lol...

[Anonymous]

Do they try to control husband, control you, tell you how to raise your kids, interfere, act toxic? No? Then it's time to realize that your problem's pretty simple: HIS parents are not YOUR parents and that does not inherently make them bad, wrong and horrid; it makes them...less likely to mark every life event with calls, cards, gifts etc. than your own family.

I would wager that your family has always made a big deal of birthdays, cards on other occasions, generally staying in touch as you grew up-- so that is your expectation now. And that's fine; it' great to be thoughtful in that particular way; but it does not mean that other families who operated differently were wrong or cold or unloving. It does not mean in this case that they are intentionally dissing you and your child, who is too young to know or care.

Please don't let your past experience, your family's way of doing things, become a burden to you--which it will be, if its wonderfulness means that no one else can ever, ever measure up, and everyone else falls short. Should we have positive expectations of others? Yes. Should we let it depress and upset us every single time they don't live up to our expectations? No. Life's too short.

If you are going to get this profoundly "sad, angry and resentful" EVERY time the in-laws do not meet your expectations, you are in for a lifetime of being worked up and upset, but that upset will come from inside yourself. Is that really worth the energy you will expend on it? Is it worth souring your memories of your kid's first birthday because what you'll remember is that "they didn't do what MY family would have done" rather than remembering your kid's day?

If your child is healthy and developing well, and your marriage is good, why are you caring this much about what did NOT happen to meet your expectations today?

Let it go. If you can't learn to do that and to find other things to like and praise in your in-laws (after all, you say yourself that they're not that bad), then you will constantly be disappointed because they will never live up to your expectations. Amend your expectations and let go of the rest.

[Anonymous]

+1!! Fwiw I come from a non birthday oriented family but we love and care about eachother. Just not into the fanfare. My in-laws make a big deal over birthdays and personally I find it narcissistic.

+Another. Some of us just aren't into birthdays. I rarely remember my own, unless I'm writing the date for something.

+2 Instead of asking what's wrong with your in-laws that they don't do this sort of thing, why not ask yourself what's wrong with you? Expecting others to value the same things you do (especially something as trivial as birthday cards/calls) is bound to lead to disappointment. If calling/sending cards was so important to you, you should have sought out a partner that valued it as well.

[Anonymous]

My father doesn't even remember my birthday. Think he's going to remember my children's birthdays?

I never expected anything from my in-laws, so I am pleasantly surprised that my MIL does remember. And if she didn't, it would be no biggie.

[Anonymous]

Op you are right to feel sad about this. People come on this website and act all stoic but they would be mad as hell if it happened to them. They just don't like the way you sounded when you wrote the post. I agree with you, it is shitty for grandparents not to acknowledge the first birthday of a grandchild. At least you know what to expect of them.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they just don't like you, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are right to feel how you feel. I'm in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:these are not bad people, just not very thoughtful, emotive, or warm. But my daughter deserves better - I'm not looking for a singing telegram, but birthday wishes on her very first birthday doesn't seem too tall an order.

They sound like people who don't take much stock in birthdays. They are not a touchy-feely family. They weren't before you joined them, and now you're realizing that you and your daughter won't change them.

I can understand being disappointed, since you like the way your family of origin operates. Luckily, your daughter will see warmth from you and from your side of the family. As she grows up, she'll naturally see how the two sides of her family are different. Either it will bother her or it won't. (And no, it's not your job to help her see the differences.)

I had warmer grandparents and less warm grandparents. My kids have grandparents who are involved in their lives and grandparents who are distant--physically and emotionally. They get who they get, and they'll judge them if they choose.