Skipped T-day dinner: Long - just wanting someone to listen

[Anonymous]

I am an adult woman with ADHD that was diagnosed when I was in high school. I no longer take medication because I have learned coping mechanisms for daily life. I think it sounds like you really enjoyed having a break. If DH is niot receptive to resolving his ADHD issues, maybe you can discuss more free time for yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We typically have T-day dinner with my DH's extended family (his parents are dead). He and I have been having some problems - well, I've been having problems with our relationship. DH is a good person but suffers from depression/ADHD. His depression is under control now with medication but his ADHD is not. So many of our problems are typical of ADHD but if you don't live with someone with ADHD, you may not get my story. DH and I have been married 15 years and two of our kids have ADHD. DH was diagnosed after our oldest. It wasn't really apparent until after we had kids and the demands/pressure increased. I have been so very supportive through thick and thin. I do a lot more than he does because I'm capable of more. For the most part, I don't mind but I think I've reached my limit. I couldn't bring myself to go with DH and the kids to his extended family's for dinner. I'm 'sick of spirit'.

I had intended to go and spent most of the day getting ready for it - cooking, scrambling for Hannukah gifts which I didn't know we needed until last minute. It takes a lot of mental energy for me to go to DH's family events. I am different culturally, linguistically, ethnically and religiously - which isn't a big deal for some in his family but appears to be an issue for others. Either that or they're just assholes but the effect is the same. I don't look forward to his family events but I do them because I think my kids should have an opportunity to have a relationship with the ones that are nice. DH isn't the best escort at these things. He doesn't notice when I'm uncomfortable and often doesn't realize when I'm trying to get support from him. He doesn't do these things on purpose, he just doesn't notice (yes, we've had a lot of discussions about this but he gets caught up in something else, it slips his mind or he doesn't notice). I don't like it but I'm a big girl and muddle through it.

DH and I shower at the same time but instead of getting myself ready, I get pulled into helping the kids. DH is downstairs doing something, I didn't know what. I finally get the kids ready and I go to do my hair and makeup. It doesn't take long but I didn't have a chance before this. Just as I finish my hair, I hear one of the kids yell that it's time to go. I come out, see DH at the front door with his coat on telling the kids to get their shoes and coats on. What the hell was he doing that for? I wasn't ready to go, the food was still in the kitchen and the gifts were on the table. His thinking is that if he's ready to go then everyone must be ready to go. Nevermind that a bunch of other shit needs to happen first. This actually isn't unusual. It happens a lot during the work week. He gets himself ready, goes to 'his bathroom' in the basement, spends a huge amount of time in his man-cave and when he emerges, he yells at the kids that it's time to go and to get their shoes/coats on. Does he check to see if they've had breakfast, had their medication, are lunches in the backpacks, etc? No, he tries to hustle them out the door in whatever state they're in because he's ready to go - even if it's half an hour early! We've had lots of discussions and arguments about this. Among other things, it leaves me feeling that he expect my first priority to be getting the kids ready to meet his timetable while he gets to do whatever he wants in the morning. It's also not fair to the kids and not how I want their day to start - who wants to start their day around an angry, yelling parent? And, not that it matters but I'm sure some will ask, I WOH FT and I bring in a lot more money than he does. We could live on my salary, we couldn't on his.

So, when it happened again tonight, something in me just broke. I felt so defeated and sad. I really don't want to go but I always do. I did all that cooking. I scrambled for those gifts. I helped the kids get ready. He didn't even bother to see if I was ready to go or what might need to be done. I guess what really gets me is he, again, wasn't thinking about me - thinking about us. It was only him. He wasn't being mean-spirited, he just wasn't thinking. I'm tired of him not thinking. I'm tired of always being the one who thinks, the one who has to plan, the one to direct, the one to take care of things. It's like he's another kid - it's worse because when he yells it really hurts them. He also won't do anything about it. He won't take medication (yet our kids do!), he won't do those things science shows will improve his symptoms - good sleep habits, exercise, limit screen time before bed, organizational strategies, etc. Oh, we talk about it and he says he'll do better but I can't even get him to put things on our shared calendar. With everything we have going on in our lives, we have to have a calendar to keep track of things - especially the things DH signs the kids up for. DH has seen an ADHD coach. She told him the same things I told him. He thinks it's a great idea but he doesn't do it. This has gone on for so long that I don't think it will ever change. All this and more crushed me as I saw DH standing by the door with his shoes and coat on - ready to walk out to go to dinner. I told him and the kids I wasn't feeling well and would be staying home.

And, I did. I actually feel great about not being there. It's nice to have the house to myself. That never happens. But I'm really sad for myself, too. DH is a really nice guy but his ADHD is killing me. This story is just one very insignificant event. There have been a lot more significant ones. If you have a loved one with ADHD, I'm sure you can imagine the other stories I have. Like I said, DH is a nice guy but that's not enough. I need someone I can depend upon, someone to share the load. Ugh. Maybe I'll go out shopping. Thanks for listening.

I think i might have adhd after trying to read this long posting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We typically have T-day dinner with my DH's extended family (his parents are dead). He and I have been having some problems - well, I've been having problems with our relationship. DH is a good person but suffers from depression/ADHD. His depression is under control now with medication but his ADHD is not. So many of our problems are typical of ADHD but if you don't live with someone with ADHD, you may not get my story. DH and I have been married 15 years and two of our kids have ADHD. DH was diagnosed after our oldest. It wasn't really apparent until after we had kids and the demands/pressure increased. I have been so very supportive through thick and thin. I do a lot more than he does because I'm capable of more. For the most part, I don't mind but I think I've reached my limit. I couldn't bring myself to go with DH and the kids to his extended family's for dinner. I'm 'sick of spirit'.

I had intended to go and spent most of the day getting ready for it - cooking, scrambling for Hannukah gifts which I didn't know we needed until last minute. It takes a lot of mental energy for me to go to DH's family events. I am different culturally, linguistically, ethnically and religiously - which isn't a big deal for some in his family but appears to be an issue for others. Either that or they're just assholes but the effect is the same. I don't look forward to his family events but I do them because I think my kids should have an opportunity to have a relationship with the ones that are nice. DH isn't the best escort at these things. He doesn't notice when I'm uncomfortable and often doesn't realize when I'm trying to get support from him. He doesn't do these things on purpose, he just doesn't notice (yes, we've had a lot of discussions about this but he gets caught up in something else, it slips his mind or he doesn't notice). I don't like it but I'm a big girl and muddle through it.

DH and I shower at the same time but instead of getting myself ready, I get pulled into helping the kids. DH is downstairs doing something, I didn't know what. I finally get the kids ready and I go to do my hair and makeup. It doesn't take long but I didn't have a chance before this. Just as I finish my hair, I hear one of the kids yell that it's time to go. I come out, see DH at the front door with his coat on telling the kids to get their shoes and coats on. What the hell was he doing that for? I wasn't ready to go, the food was still in the kitchen and the gifts were on the table. His thinking is that if he's ready to go then everyone must be ready to go. Nevermind that a bunch of other shit needs to happen first. This actually isn't unusual. It happens a lot during the work week. He gets himself ready, goes to 'his bathroom' in the basement, spends a huge amount of time in his man-cave and when he emerges, he yells at the kids that it's time to go and to get their shoes/coats on. Does he check to see if they've had breakfast, had their medication, are lunches in the backpacks, etc? No, he tries to hustle them out the door in whatever state they're in because he's ready to go - even if it's half an hour early! We've had lots of discussions and arguments about this. Among other things, it leaves me feeling that he expect my first priority to be getting the kids ready to meet his timetable while he gets to do whatever he wants in the morning. It's also not fair to the kids and not how I want their day to start - who wants to start their day around an angry, yelling parent? And, not that it matters but I'm sure some will ask, I WOH FT and I bring in a lot more money than he does. We could live on my salary, we couldn't on his.

So, when it happened again tonight, something in me just broke. I felt so defeated and sad. I really don't want to go but I always do. I did all that cooking. I scrambled for those gifts. I helped the kids get ready. He didn't even bother to see if I was ready to go or what might need to be done. I guess what really gets me is he, again, wasn't thinking about me - thinking about us. It was only him. He wasn't being mean-spirited, he just wasn't thinking. I'm tired of him not thinking. I'm tired of always being the one who thinks, the one who has to plan, the one to direct, the one to take care of things. It's like he's another kid - it's worse because when he yells it really hurts them. He also won't do anything about it. He won't take medication (yet our kids do!), he won't do those things science shows will improve his symptoms - good sleep habits, exercise, limit screen time before bed, organizational strategies, etc. Oh, we talk about it and he says he'll do better but I can't even get him to put things on our shared calendar. With everything we have going on in our lives, we have to have a calendar to keep track of things - especially the things DH signs the kids up for. DH has seen an ADHD coach. She told him the same things I told him. He thinks it's a great idea but he doesn't do it. This has gone on for so long that I don't think it will ever change. All this and more crushed me as I saw DH standing by the door with his shoes and coat on - ready to walk out to go to dinner. I told him and the kids I wasn't feeling well and would be staying home.

And, I did. I actually feel great about not being there. It's nice to have the house to myself. That never happens. But I'm really sad for myself, too. DH is a really nice guy but his ADHD is killing me. This story is just one very insignificant event. There have been a lot more significant ones. If you have a loved one with ADHD, I'm sure you can imagine the other stories I have. Like I said, DH is a nice guy but that's not enough. I need someone I can depend upon, someone to share the load. Ugh. Maybe I'll go out shopping. Thanks for listening.

I think i might have adhd after trying to read this long posting

Ha Ha Thanksgiving is over so you are "too late to take your cheap shot." I hope OP had a restful day and I hope OP takes many more breaks.

[Anonymous]

I also read your post. I feel your last sentence I'd confusing. After reading your post, I feel your husband maybe ADHD, but he is also a self-centered shit. Your descriptions are not that of a "good guy" with ADHD who didn't take his meds today. You have described a man who is selfish and manipulative.

Today, you did the right thing. You felt sad and blue, and you didn't want to go and just play the part of the goyem maid.

You are not just a mother, wife and maid! You are are human being with feelings and you deserve to be treated with consideration. You write and express yourself well. You work hard and you are sensitive. Your husband has issues in which he has become accustomed to have you always available to fix his life. You were not there and I can assure you that he missed your presence. Things went wrong for him tonight and you weren't there to fix them. He was on his own and he missed you, because you are the one who makes him whole. Without you are part of him is missing.

You are a valuable person and you deserve to be treated as such. In the future when treats you poorly or his assumptions are incorrect, simply refuse to go with him.

He will need to understand that until you have a greater degree of shared responsibility, common courtesy, and mutual respect you will not accompanying him any longer.

He will have to make some small accommodations to make your life more livable and if he wants to make those changes he can. If he refuses over a period of time to make these small changes, you can't be expected to live the next sixty years living as a his goyem maid.

[Anonymous]

I have a funny feeling that DH grew up with someone who did what OP is doing now, accomadating his erratic behavior.
OP, you did exactly the right thing. It's called natural consequences.
On school days, the kids need to get ready by the same time (early) every day. They should then just wait for dad.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, but I really relate. Same problem here. DH is totally untuned to my problems. I am up late and crying over it so your post helped me.

[Anonymous]

If you don't take the time to explain the reason you stayed home to your husband, is he going to be able to figure it out?

[Anonymous]

Google pursuer burnout - its essentially emotional exhaustion from being the only one keeping things together in a relationship for such a long time.

I also would suggest setting aside the ADHD issue for now, and concentrating on the concrete things you need from your DH - emotional support? reassurance? a stronger emotional connection? shared hobby? his taking charge of something specific and actually following through without you reminding him?

[Anonymous]

You had options that day. That will provide you with some ways to cope. I assume you have 2 cars, you could have driven your self and arrived later- at your convenience. You could have brought the kids' medications, you could have brought food for the car (in anticipation of husband's behavior) Yes it's a pain. Yes it's more than anyone should have to do since things should be more equal, but this is your life. You know, but what you did by not attending if fine too. Just try to stay flexible. Know that he WILL NOT be thinking about your needs. It's just the way it is. You will need to anticipate your needs- and what you can do/are willing to do -without- resentment. That's the key- give only to the extent that you don't resent. If you need help at home -you make the most money- you hire it. Don't discuss with him. Get the hired help you need. He will not change, learn to live with it on your terms.

[Anonymous]

My DH also had ADHD and it is hard, but my DH has been through counseling and manages as best he can by keeping check lists - like some of the PPs have mentioned - and we have a consistent division of tasks so he always knows that if it's a weekday, his tasks are A-J. We also have several timers set up through out the house so when he does go into his bathroom/man-cave, he doesn't get lost for an hour. It means that I have to be the flexible one - when there's an extra step one day, I'm the one to do it. I can never be the one to sleep in because his routine is that he gets up 15 minutes after I do and if I keep hitting snooze, he won't get up and start his tasks. DH also can't function where there's a mess in the house - the visual mess becomes confusion in his mind and it's hard for him to keep things straight.

I really recommend that you two go to some counseling together and if he's willing, he go on his own as well. It doesn't have to be indefinite, dragging on for months on end, but just a dozen sessions or so might be enough for him come up with a game plan and get started on its implementation. Some one who internally has a lot of chaos going on in his mind needs to compensate by creating a thorough external structure for himself to follow.

Lastly, how did your husband respond when you bowed out? Would you have been open to saying "I'm not ready yet and neither are the kids. If you're ready, you can take dishes 1, 2, & 3 and head over. We'll join you when we're ready."? I just know from my perspective, if my spouse at the last minute bowed out, I'd be really hurt. I know you were hurt too, but it sounds like there's not any malice on his part, so maybe there are ways you can respond in the moment that will remind him of the other responsibilities that need tending to.

[Anonymous]

Stating what you 'need' from your husband, really? do you think that ever really works? I don't think so.

[Anonymous]

So did the food and gifts just get left in the kitchen?

Did you get to eat it yourself and open the gifts?

Op it sounds like you were at the breaking point and took the break you needed. It does sound though you are a bit of a martyr, trying to do it all and in doing so enabling DH to be 'lost' in his ADHD. So much of organization and planing (and all the executive functioning tasks) require practice and repetition. You need checklists and then you need to let him practice. Your kids are old enough too to be starting to learn through practice to take responsibility too. You can't do it all, nor should you. Maybe you need an ADHD coach who would come to the house and work with all 3 to help them get routines and checks in place. It shouldn't be your job to do that either.

I hope you had a restful day.

[Anonymous]

OP, I read your whole post and I am so sorry. I think even if a DH doesn't have ADHD, it's hard for a DW, and this cannot make it any easier.

I just want to share that it is my belief that 90% or more of men do the "if I'm ready, it's time to go" routine. Funny, I just posted about it yesterday on another thread. I really believe their brains aren't hardwired to see that the lights have to be turned off, the kids need help to get ready, the pets have to be taken care of…etc.

Since your husband is not open to prescription medication, I want to mention an OTC product that really helped my DH (depression but I think works for a lot of mental imbalances). It's called TrueHope and it has a very interesting Canadian history (and Harvard medical history). I found out about it from a Discover Magazine article a few years ago.

The article is totally fascinating (again, it wasn't an ad, it was an article in a mainstream science magazine)--I recommend looking at it to see if it might be on point.
http://discovermagazine.com/2005/may/vitamin-cure#.Upi_F6UZylI

and here is the website
truehope.com

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your whole post and I am so sorry. I think even if a DH doesn't have ADHD, it's hard for a DW, and this cannot make it any easier.

I just want to share that it is my belief that 90% or more of men do the "if I'm ready, it's time to go" routine. Funny, I just posted about it yesterday on another thread. I really believe their brains aren't hardwired to see that the lights have to be turned off, the kids need help to get ready, the pets have to be taken care of…etc.

Since your husband is not open to prescription medication, I want to mention an OTC product that really helped my DH (depression but I think works for a lot of mental imbalances). It's called TrueHope and it has a very interesting Canadian history (and Harvard medical history). I found out about it from a Discover Magazine article a few years ago.

The article is totally fascinating (again, it wasn't an ad, it was an article in a mainstream science magazine)--I recommend looking at it to see if it might be on point.
http://discovermagazine.com/2005/may/vitamin-cure#.Upi_F6UZylI

and here is the website
truehope.com

Good luck, OP!

http://www.rainbowinvestigations.com/advocacy/truehope.php
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/mentally-ill-killer-tried-vitamin-therapy-court-told-1.1141861

I do think that nutritional supplements and vitamins and minerals can benefit overall health - both physical and mental, however I would caution anyone to do research before believing the TrueHope claim that it can "totally resolved Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Depression, Autism, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and Fibromyalgia".

[Anonymous]

I have some sympathy for this, for sure.

My DH can also easily get lost in selfish-land. When we are getting ready in the morning, I look over the house and see A List of Shit That Has To Get Done To Start The Day. DH doesn't see this list. He's just blind to it. He sees what he needs to do and that's it. And like your DH, he is flustered/exasperated if he's done getting ready but the kids are lagging. Like that situation just happens out of thin air.

But I long ago had to accept that I can't change this. He is who he is. So if he's got downtime during the morning routine and we still have a lot to do to get ready, I ask him to help with a task. And he does help.

Is managing him in these situations one more item on my to-do list? Yeah. Is that ideal? No. But it's worth it; it still saves time to ask him to do something over doing it myself.

While your DH was downstairs doing you-don't-know-what, and you were upstairs doing everything for the kids, that was your time to say, "DH, can you help Billy get dressed?" Instead you stayed upstairs alone and then got mad that he didn't help. But you know by now that he's not going to come into awareness. He needs that push. You can't talk him into being different than he is. Maybe medication would help but he's already said no and you can't force it into his body. Tell him directly and openly the things that you need, when you need them, rather than expecting him to be the sort of person who anticipates needs.