I'm so sad and lonely

[Anonymous]

I have much empathy for you.

I think the PPs have great suggestions, and to that I'd just add…(if you have time for this)

Spontaneous Happiness by Dr. Andrew Weil

because (among other things) it addresses some of the environmental factors you referred to that tend to increase loneliness.

http://www.amazon.com/Spontaneous-Happiness-Andrew-Weil-ebook/dp/B004QZ9PA6/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1384042353&sr=1-3&keywords=andrew+weil

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is it the first marriage and first child for both of you?
How was his drinking pre kid?
I am asking because I think it may be that your DH felt pressured to have a baby (not by you, by his biology and society), and after that was accomplished he lost interest in whatever romance there was in your relationship? It happens to women, so why not to men?
Or maybe he is turned off by your breastfeeding, by the fact that you are a mom, etc? It happens..
I suggest you try to find your joy in baby, friends, etc- if DH is happy to stay with the baby, why not go out and do your own hiking, walks, and what not? Try not to be so hung up on DH.
I am saying this as a mom who lost interest in her husband after the baby was born. The best thing he could do is basically do his own thing when I am with our child, and let me do my own when he wants to be with our child. I think I would have come around if he did that. He however chose to demand my attention in so many ways, and I am enjoying his company even less.

OP here, this is very interesting. First marriage and child for me, second to both for him. We did not plan to have a baby, but we were open to the possibility. I don't think he felt obligated; rather, he was reluctant. But not that the baby is here he's really crazy about the baby, which is lovely. He's devoted and very dedicated in many levels.

He did drink before we married, but never this much. But this sounds a lot like his first marriage. He talked a lot about how he and his ex were never friends. They went to bed hours apart and he'd drink by himself for company. She was obsessed with their child and he did everything around the house. They had nothing between them
Except the child.

Now it feels like he's fallen back into those patterns completely. Any time I bring it up he dismisses me.
The difference, though, is I can see beyond our child to want to focus on our friendship, but he doesn't seem to care about that. At all. He doesn't appear to miss it or me.

It's pretty lousy that it's your husband's desire for connection with you that turns you off. Sounds pretty torturous for him. Did you ever expresss to him that you needed space and that space might help you like him more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you think he is an alcoholic, I suggest trying Al-Anon.

Thanks. I probably should. The signs are there. It may be the worst thing I could ever have envisioned for my life. My dad was an alcoholic and I swore I'd never marry an addict or have a child with one. I don't know how I could have let this happen. I can't retreat into depression and despair since I need to be present for my baby, but boy is it tempting. I spent a lot of time in ACA dealing with my childhood. The idea of ending up in AL Anon may be the biggest failure of my life. My poor baby.

(I need to step away from here now. It's all too depressing. I've got my baby in my arms and I'm gonna try to just smell baby smell, feel baby skin, and treasure this moment rather than gazing on the wreckage of my relationship.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think he is an alcoholic, I suggest trying Al-Anon.

Thanks. I probably should. The signs are there. It may be the worst thing I could ever have envisioned for my life. My dad was an alcoholic and I swore I'd never marry an addict or have a child with one. I don't know how I could have let this happen. I can't retreat into depression and despair since I need to be present for my baby, but boy is it tempting. I spent a lot of time in ACA dealing with my childhood. The idea of ending up in AL Anon may be the biggest failure of my life. My poor baby.

(I need to step away from here now. It's all too depressing. I've got my baby in my arms and I'm gonna try to just smell baby smell, feel baby skin, and treasure this moment rather than gazing on the wreckage of my relationship.)

My husband is in no way an alcoholic. However, he is very much like my Father-- the type of person that I said I would never marry.

My Father is a workaholic and money hungry. My Father always chose work over fun. We never vacationed. He was always stressed about money and had to be way ahead of the game. My husband would rather work overtime than sleep. He is worried about Christmas a year from now! Some say these qualities are good but living this through out my entire childhood, even though I appreciate the life that my Father gave me, he missed so much of my childhood being at work. I have to actually point out to my husband the time he is gone and most of the time, he realizes it and will cut back. However, I am in a very similar situation as my Mother was with a very similar man.

I'm in therapy. All this to tell you that my therapist explained it so well to me: We gravitate to what we know. What we're comfortable with. I'm used to being around a disconnected, workaholic Dad. I created that same life for my children and myself-- not out of spite but out of normalcy. Does that make sense? Don't beat yourself up.

If he smells of gin each and every night, he needs an intervention!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is it the first marriage and first child for both of you?
How was his drinking pre kid?
I am asking because I think it may be that your DH felt pressured to have a baby (not by you, by his biology and society), and after that was accomplished he lost interest in whatever romance there was in your relationship? It happens to women, so why not to men?
Or maybe he is turned off by your breastfeeding, by the fact that you are a mom, etc? It happens..
I suggest you try to find your joy in baby, friends, etc- if DH is happy to stay with the baby, why not go out and do your own hiking, walks, and what not? Try not to be so hung up on DH.
I am saying this as a mom who lost interest in her husband after the baby was born. The best thing he could do is basically do his own thing when I am with our child, and let me do my own when he wants to be with our child. I think I would have come around if he did that. He however chose to demand my attention in so many ways, and I am enjoying his company even less.

OP here, this is very interesting. First marriage and child for me, second to both for him. We did not plan to have a baby, but we were open to the possibility. I don't think he felt obligated; rather, he was reluctant. But not that the baby is here he's really crazy about the baby, which is lovely. He's devoted and very dedicated in many levels.

He did drink before we married, but never this much. But this sounds a lot like his first marriage. He talked a lot about how he and his ex were never friends. They went to bed hours apart and he'd drink by himself for company. She was obsessed with their child and he did everything around the house. They had nothing between them
Except the child.

Now it feels like he's fallen back into those patterns completely. Any time I bring it up he dismisses me.
The difference, though, is I can see beyond our child to want to focus on our friendship, but he doesn't seem to care about that. At all. He doesn't appear to miss it or me.

It's pretty lousy that it's your husband's desire for connection with you that turns you off. Sounds pretty torturous for him. Did you ever expresss to him that you needed space and that space might help you like him more?

Hi OP, what is interesting is that my H ALSO tells me that what we have now is just like his first marriage- and almost like you said- wife focused on baby, though husband not drinking (but not helping around the house either).
All I can say is that HE is the one who contributes A LOT to this dynamic. For us, it started by his sleeping in in the mornings, not being helpful enough with baby, not being too interested in baby. I did contribute, too- but as I got better he did not.

On your situation: I would guess that there is SOMETHING that turns your DH off - but he tried to blame it on his first wife, and now tries to make YOU responsible for it. I have no idea what it could be. Could this be the famous mother/wife dilemma, when a guy does not perceive the mother of his children as his wife anymore??

As for us, my H loves being close to me in all aspects, he tried to give me space but I think he just couldn't take it without being upset and mad. He is not a villain, we just weren't very compatible from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

That does sound difficult. However. I am in my late 30's. I have been on one date. I am a virgin, and fear I will never have sex unless I get raped.

Twice I was kissed on the lips.
Once was an unfortunate and awkward accident with an uncle saying goodbye, and once a man at work was sexually harassing me.

Nobody has asked me on a date since the one I went on in high school. So please know although right now your situation is bad, it could be much, much worse.

Please take some of the suggestions here. Fight your depression. Go out for a walk or bike ride each day. Being outdoors is always spirit-lifting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and i have been married just over a year and have a young baby. We're in our 40's. And I am so lonely. He spent the morning sleeping while I took care of the baby. Then he cared for the baby while I paid bills. He watched TV while I nursed, and now I'm home alone while they went for an errand. He barely talks to me. He drinks every night after I go to bed (I nurse the cavy to sleep, then usually fall asleep myself.) He stays up and does everything for us, like cleaning the kitchen , wading bottled, packing lunches, getting the baby's day care stuff ready. When I say I want to stay up and help, he shooes me to bed. When he finally comes to bed, he smells like gin and rarely touches me.

I touch him. I try to talk with him. He says everything is fine, then proceeds to ignore me. He futzes on his iPhone or iPad if he's not interacting with the baby. (I retreat into DCUM, too.) I say I want to spend time with him and he ignores me. We don't do anything or go anywhere except for work. I rarely gave friends over because it's so tense between us. I'm so lonely I could cry, but if I let myself start to cry I'm afraid I'll never stop. I've asked to go to marriage counseling bit he says there's no time.

I don't know why I'm even posting. I'm just so sad and alone.

You shouldn't be nursing a baby to sleep. Bad idea.

Nursing the baby to sleep is a good idea.

Call a friend or a sibling to chat. that will help. Right now just be in survival mode, work on getting emotional support, connect with friends again on your own. Later whe baby is a toddler, then work on your marriage

[Anonymous]

Your husband chose his best friend in his first marriage and now he's choosing his best friend in your marriage.

That friend is gin. Until that friend leaves, the marriage won't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That does sound difficult. However. I am in my late 30's. I have been on one date. I am a virgin, and fear I will never have sex unless I get raped.

Twice I was kissed on the lips.
Once was an unfortunate and awkward accident with an uncle saying goodbye, and once a man at work was sexually harassing me.

Nobody has asked me on a date since the one I went on in high school. So please know although right now your situation is bad, it could be much, much worse.

Please take some of the suggestions here. Fight your depression. Go out for a walk or bike ride each day. Being outdoors is always spirit-lifting.

Holy smokes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That does sound difficult. However. I am in my late 30's. I have been on one date. I am a virgin, and fear I will never have sex unless I get raped.

Twice I was kissed on the lips.
Once was an unfortunate and awkward accident with an uncle saying goodbye, and once a man at work was sexually harassing me.

Nobody has asked me on a date since the one I went on in high school. So please know although right now your situation is bad, it could be much, much worse.

Please take some of the suggestions here. Fight your depression. Go out for a walk or bike ride each day. Being outdoors is always spirit-lifting.

Holy smokes!

That is not the appropriate response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That does sound difficult. However. I am in my late 30's. I have been on one date. I am a virgin, and fear I will never have sex unless I get raped.

Twice I was kissed on the lips.
Once was an unfortunate and awkward accident with an uncle saying goodbye, and once a man at work was sexually harassing me.

Nobody has asked me on a date since the one I went on in high school. So please know although right now your situation is bad, it could be much, much worse.

Please take some of the suggestions here. Fight your depression. Go out for a walk or bike ride each day. Being outdoors is always spirit-lifting.

I'm sorry for your troubles. Someone always has it worse than someone else, it doesn't mean that that person doesn't have a valid problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think he is an alcoholic, I suggest trying Al-Anon.

Thanks. I probably should. The signs are there. It may be the worst thing I could ever have envisioned for my life. My dad was an alcoholic and I swore I'd never marry an addict or have a child with one. I don't know how I could have let this happen. I can't retreat into depression and despair since I need to be present for my baby, but boy is it tempting. I spent a lot of time in ACA dealing with my childhood. The idea of ending up in AL Anon may be the biggest failure of my life. My poor baby.

(I need to step away from here now. It's all too depressing. I've got my baby in my arms and I'm gonna try to just smell baby smell, feel baby skin, and treasure this moment rather than gazing on the wreckage of my relationship.)

OP, please don't be so hard on yourself. You have a lovely baby and you sound like a great mom. Since you were in ACA, you know that alcoholism's grip on families is, as they say, baffling, powerful, and cunning and you wouldn't be the first person to repeat what, as the pp said, feels familiar to you. *If* that's the problem you're facing here (and I don't know you so only you can say), things can still get better and you're fortunate in that you have some tools to help you already. Please get help for yourself and your family. We are rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I need to write more later, but I just want to thank those who wrote kind responses. I'm so grateful for the empathy and compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That does sound difficult. However. I am in my late 30's. I have been on one date. I am a virgin, and fear I will never have sex unless I get raped.

Twice I was kissed on the lips.
Once was an unfortunate and awkward accident with an uncle saying goodbye, and once a man at work was sexually harassing me.

Nobody has asked me on a date since the one I went on in high school. So please know although right now your situation is bad, it could be much, much worse.

Please take some of the suggestions here. Fight your depression. Go out for a walk or bike ride each day. Being outdoors is always spirit-lifting.

OP here. It sounds like you are sad and lonely, too, but in a different way. I can tell you I went many years without a boyfriend and out of the dating scene, and being alone is a lot less painful than being in a marriage and feeling alone, but I understand that your complete physical disconnection from others is a different story.

This may be a crazy question, but what do you think is the reason you havent been on a date? Have you asked anyone out on a date? Are you eager to have sex, even without emotional connection? I pretty much guarantee you that you can find someone to kiss you tonight if you live in the DC area: Craigslist. I don't say that flippantly. When I was new in town and wanted insta-companionship, I met a ton of interesting guys on Craigslist. And there are countless men looking for hookups if that is up your alley. Seriously, the "never been kissed" situation can be rectified STAT, if that's what you want. Is it?

[Anonymous]

This is a very sad posting for me to read. I am so sorry you are feeling this way OP. It breaks my heart that you have to endure this in a marriage and living like this is no way to live at all.

I can only advise you to talk to your husband about his drinking and how negatively it is affecting your marriage. If he is still giving you the cold shoulder, please arrange for some form of talk therapy for yourself.

Hopefully you have a support system of close friends and family to speak to as well.
If not, why not try to form some friendships? Perhaps join a local community church or parent's group? Meet some of your neighbors?

Keep your chin up OP.

Better days are ahead.