I'm so sad and lonely

[Anonymous]

DH and i have been married just over a year and have a young baby. We're in our 40's. And I am so lonely. He spent the morning sleeping while I took care of the baby. Then he cared for the baby while I paid bills. He watched TV while I nursed, and now I'm home alone while they went for an errand. He barely talks to me. He drinks every night after I go to bed (I nurse the cavy to sleep, then usually fall asleep myself.) He stays up and does everything for us, like cleaning the kitchen , wading bottled, packing lunches, getting the baby's day care stuff ready. When I say I want to stay up and help, he shooes me to bed. When he finally comes to bed, he smells like gin and rarely touches me.

I touch him. I try to talk with him. He says everything is fine, then proceeds to ignore me. He futzes on his iPhone or iPad if he's not interacting with the baby. (I retreat into DCUM, too.) I say I want to spend time with him and he ignores me. We don't do anything or go anywhere except for work. I rarely gave friends over because it's so tense between us. I'm so lonely I could cry, but if I let myself start to cry I'm afraid I'll never stop. I've asked to go to marriage counseling bit he says there's no time.

I don't know why I'm even posting. I'm just so sad and alone.

[Anonymous]

Go unplugged for an entire weekend.

Turn off the phone, the ipad, the internet.

Go for a hike in the mountains or one of the parks.

Play a board game, open a bottle of wine and light a fire. Make some fun finger foods, a cheese tray, appetizers. Cook it together.

Maybe play a game of strip poker.

Leave the dishes, close the kitchen door, and just relax.

[Anonymous]

I think you're right to be paying attention to this, but do cut yourselves some slack. That first year with a baby is really, really hard and you are just in survival mode.

If he won't come to counseling with you, though, I'd go alone so you can get some perspective and help.

[Anonymous]

Best thing DH and I did was pick 2 nights a week with no phone, no computer, no TV. We make dinner together, have some wine, play a board game and go to bed together.

One day a weekend, we go out from after morning nap until late afternoon nap and do family stuff.

[Anonymous]

Well, I can't really address your root causes, but I have such empathy. For me, when I am feeling low, it's critical to pay attention to sleep, food, and exercise. Do make sure you are taking care of yourself. Also, whatever it is that your DH is doing that is kind (and he's definitely doing a bunch of work, but I am not sure if he is doing anything that makes you feel connected or valued) -- make sure he gets the opportunities to do those things. Hope that makes sense. Make space for those nice things to happen. And if they do, try to focus on them. Also, is there anyone else who can help shoulder your emotional needs? Family, friends? Reach out to them in whatever low-maintenance ways you can. I know you don't have friends over, but can you call them on the phone? Send someone a note? Reconnect with others in your life who make you feel less lonely? Agree with PP - first year with a baby is rooough.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to say if you are both just burned out from the strains of new parenthood or in need of some couples therapy. If the former, the ideas above are great.

If DH won't go for any of the above, could you (with baby or without) get together with any of your friends for a walk, a walk + coffee run, etc?

[Anonymous]

OP here, I love these ideas, but DH won't go for them. He'd never give up his devices for a day. I asked this morning and he simply ignored me. I've asked so many times I guess he just figures he doesn't need to refuse anymore, his answer should be obvious by now.

I guess I am as bad sometimes on my phone. My anonymous friends here are my only way of being connected to something some days. I guess I should out this down and go for a bike ride. Or a walk. But I'm so depressed all I do is state at the ceiling if not my phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I love these ideas, but DH won't go for them. He'd never give up his devices for a day. I asked this morning and he simply ignored me. I've asked so many times I guess he just figures he doesn't need to refuse anymore, his answer should be obvious by now.

I guess I am as bad sometimes on my phone. My anonymous friends here are my only way of being connected to something some days. I guess I should out this down and go for a bike ride. Or a walk. But I'm so depressed all I do is state at the ceiling if not my phone.

I don't know what to suggest about your husband (mine is sort of similar) but YOU will feel better if you unplug once in awhile yourself, and cuddle up with a (physical copy of) a good book or do something else you like. I find the incredible amounts of time I spend on phone/computer make me depressed.

But most of your post illustrates the great paradox of motherhood, as far as I'm concerned: frequently lonely but NEVER alone!

[Anonymous]

If you think he is an alcoholic, I suggest trying Al-Anon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I love these ideas, but DH won't go for them. He'd never give up his devices for a day. I asked this morning and he simply ignored me. I've asked so many times I guess he just figures he doesn't need to refuse anymore, his answer should be obvious by now.

I guess I am as bad sometimes on my phone. My anonymous friends here are my only way of being connected to something some days. I guess I should out this down and go for a bike ride. Or a walk. But I'm so depressed all I do is state at the ceiling if not my phone.

I don't know what to suggest about your husband (mine is sort of similar) but YOU will feel better if you unplug once in awhile yourself, and cuddle up with a (physical copy of) a good book or do something else you like. I find the incredible amounts of time I spend on phone/computer make me depressed.

But most of your post illustrates the great paradox of motherhood, as far as I'm concerned: frequently lonely but NEVER alone!

When my kids were younger. that was the worst time in my married life. We are at a really good place now. Both of us in our 40s - great sex life, a good friendship, respect, family. I look at young parents and I feel really sorry because even though they have youth on their side, they are too miserable to enjoy it. I am very grateful that we stuck it out.

Advice to young parents - take care of each others sexual needs and fake the love if need be. The love will come back again. You will fall in and out of love countless times in your marriage Its just that when you become older you learn to go with the flow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I love these ideas, but DH won't go for them. He'd never give up his devices for a day. I asked this morning and he simply ignored me. I've asked so many times I guess he just figures he doesn't need to refuse anymore, his answer should be obvious by now.

I guess I am as bad sometimes on my phone. My anonymous friends here are my only way of being connected to something some days. I guess I should out this down and go for a bike ride. Or a walk. But I'm so depressed all I do is state at the ceiling if not my phone.

I don't know what to suggest about your husband (mine is sort of similar) but YOU will feel better if you unplug once in awhile yourself, and cuddle up with a (physical copy of) a good book or do something else you like. I find the incredible amounts of time I spend on phone/computer make me depressed.

But most of your post illustrates the great paradox of motherhood, as far as I'm concerned: frequently lonely but NEVER alone!

. Oh a pity party

[Anonymous]

You refer to your baby as a pig? Gross!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and i have been married just over a year and have a young baby. We're in our 40's. And I am so lonely. He spent the morning sleeping while I took care of the baby. Then he cared for the baby while I paid bills. He watched TV while I nursed, and now I'm home alone while they went for an errand. He barely talks to me. He drinks every night after I go to bed (I nurse the cavy to sleep, then usually fall asleep myself.) He stays up and does everything for us, like cleaning the kitchen , wading bottled, packing lunches, getting the baby's day care stuff ready. When I say I want to stay up and help, he shooes me to bed. When he finally comes to bed, he smells like gin and rarely touches me.

I touch him. I try to talk with him. He says everything is fine, then proceeds to ignore me. He futzes on his iPhone or iPad if he's not interacting with the baby. (I retreat into DCUM, too.) I say I want to spend time with him and he ignores me. We don't do anything or go anywhere except for work. I rarely gave friends over because it's so tense between us. I'm so lonely I could cry, but if I let myself start to cry I'm afraid I'll never stop. I've asked to go to marriage counseling bit he says there's no time.

I don't know why I'm even posting. I'm just so sad and alone.

You shouldn't be nursing a baby to sleep. Bad idea.

[Anonymous]

You need counseling. Confiding in a live human being will be a relief.

The first year is so hard. Both you and DH are not yet used to the strains of parenting. Things do get easier in that department as time goes on, however.

DH's drinking is unacceptable. Keep mental (or written) notes on it. If it doesn't subside, insist that he get treatment. You don't want to raise a child with an alcoholic father in the house.

[Anonymous]

OP, is it the first marriage and first child for both of you?
How was his drinking pre kid?
I am asking because I think it may be that your DH felt pressured to have a baby (not by you, by his biology and society), and after that was accomplished he lost interest in whatever romance there was in your relationship? It happens to women, so why not to men?
Or maybe he is turned off by your breastfeeding, by the fact that you are a mom, etc? It happens..
I suggest you try to find your joy in baby, friends, etc- if DH is happy to stay with the baby, why not go out and do your own hiking, walks, and what not? Try not to be so hung up on DH.
I am saying this as a mom who lost interest in her husband after the baby was born. The best thing he could do is basically do his own thing when I am with our child, and let me do my own when he wants to be with our child. I think I would have come around if he did that. He however chose to demand my attention in so many ways, and I am enjoying his company even less.