Constantly disrespected by my Father...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the current phone call event is calling up all the problems in the overall relationship.

I have had the exact same kind of phone call with my dad. He just would not ever respect a boundary and so I know exactly how that feels. In that particular phone call, I warned him and then I said goodbye and hung up while he was still ranting. Months later he was still suddenly hanging up on me just to show me. So tedious.

But OP your instinct is exactly right - you will have to go through the mourning process for the relationship you didn't have and are not going to have. Chasing this dream of this relationship is screwing up your life and your mind - I did the same and went through the same. As you process through it, you will come to an acceptance of his limitations and letting go of your expectations. I bought blank books where I could just write about it when it got to me and I was brooding on it. Also found a counselor who helped me confront stuff that I was protecting but needed to face.

And yeah he sulked in his room on my wedding day, but he did give a decent speech and not embarrass me, and by that point that more than I expected of him so he exceeded my low expectation.

Through this I learned a lot about better boundaries, respecting and protecting myself but also giving other people space to be who they are, even if I disapprove.

Finally, I am using the lessons learned to be a better parent, be emotionally warm and say positive things to my kids, pay attention to them, ask them open-ended questions to hear their thoughts and let them experience expressing themselves and having it be valued.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My Father hasn't/didn't ever speak with my husband about his role as my husband or my Father's expectations of how I should be loved, provided for or cared for. "

Weird and creepy.

Stop all contact with your father, no need to grieve, just move on.

Weird and Creepy, how?

Maybe I am a little old fashioned but I thought my Father would have been interested in speaking with the man who planned to ask me to spend the rest of our lives together. He showed up at the wedding, walked me down the isle and acted as if it was a daily event.

Not THAT old-fashioned, apparently:

I had my first child (with my husband) out of wedlock.

[Anonymous]

A lot of your expectations for a father are odd and slightly creepy. But that's mostly besides the point because he sounds like even judged by normal standards he's a bad dad. You say you want him to realize you are an adult with a family. He is unlikely to see you as an adult when he is currently gifting you a piece of his land. I think your first step is to turn down the offer. Then, stop reaching out to him. If he reaves out to you, great. But don't wait by the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my Father has told me that I am capable and hasn't offered to help me weed through this process at all (even though he's built a house himself). I have called him with every. single. detail, sent him emails from companies, explained in depth on the phone county codes and requirements. Tonight, while speaking with him on the phone, he blows up on my after hearing a piece of information that I already told him weeks ago that he says he doesn't remember. He literally cussed me out and had me in tears.

He told you you are capable to do it yourself--he clearly doesn't want to be involved in the process, yet it sounds like you are hounding him! Demanding his attention is not going to get you the love and affection you crave from it. If you take land from him, you'll have to do it on his terms. If that's not OK with you (and if he's not very loving, most people would understand why), then don't accept his offer.

[Anonymous]

For your own sanity, sever the relationship. Give back the land, or sell it, but don't live there. He's really only been a sperm donor, your words.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP with the disappointing dad. I don't think you should give back the land because it is probably the only thing of value that you are going to receive from him and you may one day be very glad you have it for your childrens' sake. Don't let today's storms screw up something of value intergenerationally for the long term.

However, it does sound like you need to step back from trying to build on it. Also, it is a problem because your family relationship issues are about boundaries and this is literally manifested in land and boundary issues. You are going to have to disentangle the enmeshed codependent stuff that is like undergrowth, it just happens in these relationships.

Disregard the those who have nothing helpful to offer. They have to live their whole lives with nothing helpful to offer which is plenty of punishment.

[Anonymous]

OP, many of us have fathers who never were in our lives at all to support us emotionally or financially, let alone gave us land. So even if he isn't perfect, I hope you can at least learn to appreciate that you have much more than many people.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are comparing your father to the loving daddy in Leave it to Beaver and its frankly doing you and your father a disservice. Daddy/Daughter Dates? Talks with your husband about marriage? You should have know that you were never going to get these things and more loving displays from him, yet you continue being dissapointed and hurting yourself.

The rude phone call was unneccesary and you bleww up at him for more reasons than just him using foul language. You blew up at him for the past that can never be rewritten - I totally get that.

I never had a proper loving father either, he was out of the picture and my step father was emotionally and sexually abusive. When i hear my FIL speak to my husband and call him "son" in a truly loving way, I get emotional. I wish I had a "dad", but in the end its not going to happen.

Either accept the land in whatever way its parcelled, for your kids more than anything or give it back to him and leave it alone.

He is NEVER going to apologize for his behavior and you have no idea why he became the person he did. Accept it and move it. Maybe some therapy will help you understand why you still want his love and affection when really, its not happening.

Its just torture to do otherwise. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have some growing up to do, OP. I'm sorry if this sounds hurtful to you, but you are going to continue to be hurt by your father's behavior if you are unable to step back from the situation and look at it objectively. You are emotionally enmeshed in your desire for a different father, and until you let go of your fantasy, you will continue to be in pain.

Your father's cursing at you sounds like typical behavior for him. On the one hand he's giving you land, and on the other hand he's treating you disrespectfully by cursing at you. He clearly does not know how to be the loving father you want him to be, yet at the same time he feels he has an obligation to support you, which may be his way of expressing love. It's not what you want, but you'll have to grow up and accept that he is not going to change.

Appreciate whatever you can about your father (did he pay for your education? did he pay your bills when you were growing up? does he continue to support your mother financially?), and let go of everything else.

My father was impossible, but I loved him for his good qualities, few as they were. That's how I managed to get rid of my anger and disappointment that he wasn't the father I needed. You have to let go, OP, else you'll waste even more energy on a fantasy that will never be real.

[Anonymous]

Get over yourself OP. Go buy your own land. It's not a wrong/bad thing for your dad not to pay for wedding- many parents don't do that now. My dad never told my husband how he should love and protect me. That's weird. Grow up, get a job, get on some birth control and stop expecting these over the top things from your dad.

On the instance where he cussed you out, he onviously was in the wrong even though you sound like you need someone to cuss at you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you know the answer already about the land...you don't accept it. Drop it. Don't give you and your family golden handcuffs. I'm sorry for all that you've gone through. You can survive without his "gift" wrapped in strings upon strings upon strings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you know the answer already about the land...you don't accept it. Drop it. Don't give you and your family golden handcuffs. I'm sorry for all that you've gone through. You can survive without his "gift" wrapped in strings upon strings upon strings.

+1. Also, if cutting your dad off permanently seems impossible, give yourself permission to take a few years off from the relationship. Use that time to focus on your husband and family foremost, but to think about your dad occasionally when it doesn't stress you out. My mother was so bad a parent that when the kids were little I took as a rule of thumb to do the opposite of whatever she did. It worked. When I finally did bring her back into the fold, we both had had time to grow and move on a bit. She's a much better grandparent than she ever was as a parent. However, beware: if you see your dad repeating negative behaviors with your kids, pull back. It's your right and responsibility as a parent to protect your kids from negative influences, whoever they may be.

You have all my sympathy. Good luck to you, your DH and your kids. Give yourself a well-deserved break.

[Anonymous]

ou said yourself that your father never expressed much interest in you growing up yet you expected him to have a heart-to-heart with a perfect stranger? You expected him to offer good advice about loving, providing and caring for a wife and family? I'm so sorry for all you are putting yourself through but it's well past time to give up. Your father is not going to change. He is holding this land as leverage and you are feeding right into it. Walk away now. Stop pining for what you won't have. Remind yourself what you reminded him - you are a grownup now with your own family. Give up your fantasy Daddy and focus on creating your own family the way you want it to be.

[Anonymous]

You sound really ungrateful, OP. Try to focus on the things your father has done for you, like working hard to support you while you were growing up and offering land for you to build on as an adult. Stop focusing on him not doing things you should be doing for yourself like paying for your wedding and figuring out how to build a house on the land that has been handed to you. We don't all show our love the same ways but he's showing it to you and you're not appreciating it.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are a fruitcake.

You wanted your father to talk to your husband about about his role as husband to you, yet you ALREADY had a kid with him.

Why should he have paid for a big wedding when you already were playing house and mommy?
Seriously, you need therapy and just grow the fuck up.