Constantly disrespected by my Father...

[Anonymous]

Back story: I grew up with my Mother and my Father. I have one brother who is 20. I am 25. Our parents divorced after 27 years of marriage. The divorce was costly and very drug out. I grew up on a large farm. My Father was ordered to pay my Mother a percentage of the farm and he kept ownership. My Father has always been a workaholic and money hungry. Instead of spending time with his family and making it to sporting events that my brother and I played in, he chose to work his regular job or farm. We never vacationed when I was little. My Father never took me out on Daddy/Daughter dates. My Father refused to pay for my wedding after I had my first child (with my husband) out of wedlock. My Father hasn't/didn't ever speak with my husband about his role as my husband or my Father's expectations of how I should be loved, provided for or cared for. I don't have really any fond memories of my Father and I. He's more of a sperm donor and someone who gave me life. He doesn't call me. I only talk to him if I call. I have 4 children and he doesn't have a relationship with any of them. He doesn't come to Christmas, Thanksgiving or birthday parties because he refuses to be around my Mother. As a child, he would not talk to me in a loving way but always in a stern, angry tone. I can't tell you a time that my Father has come out and told me that he loves me. Not even once.

I know that was all a bunch of rambling sentences. But, I am an emotional train wreck at the moment and needed to get all of that out in the open. Which leads me to tonight's conversation and the current situation. So, here goes...

My Father doesn't show love, obviously, in ways that most people who have relationships do. Meaning, he doesn't call and he isn't involved. The way, I guess, he shows that he cares is with money. He offered to deed my husband and I land of his to build. However, after working with survey companies and the county where we will be building, we found out that we could not divide the land into the amount that my Father offered. Another thing with the land, my Father has told me that I am capable and hasn't offered to help me weed through this process at all (even though he's built a house himself). I have called him with every. single. detail, sent him emails from companies, explained in depth on the phone county codes and requirements. Tonight, while speaking with him on the phone, he blows up on my after hearing a piece of information that I already told him weeks ago that he says he doesn't remember. He literally cussed me out and had me in tears.

I immediately asked that he stop cussing at me and I explained that if it continued our conversation was over. He didn't appreciate me not "respecting" him since I told him that I wouldn't allow him to talk to me in the way he wanted to. I pointed out that he did not speak to anyone else in the way that he always (and has since I was little-- nothing has changed) spoken to me and that I was done being undermined, disrespected and walk on. I reminded him that I have my own family now, a husband and that I am not the 16 year old girl that I was. None of it mattered.

I honestly feel like I need to just end the relationship all together. He doesn't call me at all, so why continue to make him apart of my life when it just makes me hurt? I push under the rug who my Father truly is and try to accept the fact that he isn't who he should be-- but that's tough. Every little girl needs a Daddy and I didn't get one. I got someone who feels obligated to answer my phone calls. Someone who forgets my birthday and calls days later to wish me a happy birthday but tells me that he didn't forget it. I have the Father who cusses at me and puts me down. Someone who doesn't see decency and value in his own child and can't see how much she's hurting by his actions.

Has anyone had to completely cut off contact from a parent? How do I grieve the Father I don't have and move on without one all together?

[Anonymous]

"My Father hasn't/didn't ever speak with my husband about his role as my husband or my Father's expectations of how I should be loved, provided for or cared for. "

Weird and creepy.

Stop all contact with your father, no need to grieve, just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My Father hasn't/didn't ever speak with my husband about his role as my husband or my Father's expectations of how I should be loved, provided for or cared for. "

Weird and creepy.

Stop all contact with your father, no need to grieve, just move on.

Weird and Creepy, how?

Maybe I am a little old fashioned but I thought my Father would have been interested in speaking with the man who planned to ask me to spend the rest of our lives together. He showed up at the wedding, walked me down the isle and acted as if it was a daily event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My Father hasn't/didn't ever speak with my husband about his role as my husband or my Father's expectations of how I should be loved, provided for or cared for. "

Weird and creepy.

Stop all contact with your father, no need to grieve, just move on.

Weird and Creepy, how?

Maybe I am a little old fashioned but I thought my Father would have been interested in speaking with the man who planned to ask me to spend the rest of our lives together. He showed up at the wedding, walked me down the isle and acted as if it was a daily event.

It's sexist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My Father hasn't/didn't ever speak with my husband about his role as my husband or my Father's expectations of how I should be loved, provided for or cared for. "

Weird and creepy.

Stop all contact with your father, no need to grieve, just move on.

Weird and Creepy, how?

Maybe I am a little old fashioned but I thought my Father would have been interested in speaking with the man who planned to ask me to spend the rest of our lives together. He showed up at the wedding, walked me down the isle and acted as if it was a daily event.

It's sexist.

So, my expectation of my Father giving a crap about the plans of the man who wanted to marry me is sexist since I am giving him a role based on his gender and role as my Father?

[Anonymous]

I think what they may be trying to say is that your expectations of your dad seem to be a little over the top. You didn't give his age but he sounds like he is not an emotional man, probably served in the military, is self-made and isn't inclined to show emotions. Just my hunch. And I don't see why he should pay for a wedding after you've had your first child out of wedlock - I didn't expect my parents to pay for any wedding, in or out of wedlock. My father certainly didn't give my husband any kind of lecture about his expectations of him taking care of me (that would have been sexist, especiallys since I made more than my husband) and finally I suspect your dad is getting up in years and doesn't care about - or can't keep straight in his own head - all the facts about the land deal and expect you to run it if you want it. I would. That's the very least you could do since it's a gift. Your expectations of him just seem to be a little creepy and out of whack, which is what I think the others were trying to convey. Time to grow up, take on the land deal, figure it out, thank your dad (wish my parents would give me some land) and forgive. This may be the only way he knows how to say "I love you".

[Anonymous]

I cut my father out of my life when I was 22. It was a conscious decision and I did it with the support and help of a therapist. I definitely went through a grieving and mourning process.

Ultimately, I had to learn to love myself and stop looking to him to fulfill a father figure role.

In your situation, I'd be cautious of getting financially involved with your father as it sounds potentially like more harm than good could come from that kind of arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My Father hasn't/didn't ever speak with my husband about his role as my husband or my Father's expectations of how I should be loved, provided for or cared for. "

Weird and creepy.

Stop all contact with your father, no need to grieve, just move on.

Weird and Creepy, how?

Maybe I am a little old fashioned but I thought my Father would have been interested in speaking with the man who planned to ask me to spend the rest of our lives together. He showed up at the wedding, walked me down the isle and acted as if it was a daily event.

Do you mean aisle? And why do you capitalize father?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Bright? Riiiiight. You would be making comments about stupid I am but your actually up and taking the time to comment. Why? Must make you feel good to kick someone when they're down.

[Anonymous]

But you posted, asking for insight ........

[Anonymous]

I think your expectations of your father are bizarre.

[Anonymous]

"My Father has always been a workaholic and money hungry. Instead of spending time with his family and making it to sporting events that my brother and I played in, he chose to work his regular job or farm. We never vacationed when I was little. My Father never took me out on Daddy/Daughter dates. My Father refused to pay for my wedding after I had my first child (with my husband) out of wedlock. My Father hasn't/didn't ever speak with my husband about his role as my husband or my Father's expectations of how I should be loved, provided for or cared for. "

It's hard to vacation if u run a farm.
Personally I think this expectation parents show up for all the games is weird and it sure wasnt common in the rural area I grew up in unless it was Friday night football.
Who the hell went on daddy daughter dates back then?
Why would he speak with your husband about that? Creepy.

Which is not to say he's not a jerk, maybe he is. But the things you cite above are weird.

And why should he be dealing with the house planning? Grow p.

[Anonymous]

Op let's face it. You have four kids at the age of 25. You have a terrible relationship with your father, yet you've been considering building a home on his property. Yet you can't see how stupid this is?

And yes, the talk you wanted your father to have with your husband. iS weird and creepy.

I grew up with a very loyal father. Who never did anything like that, and I. Was never what you would call a daddy's girl. Stop pining away for a fantasy and work with what youve got.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you have very, very high expectations of your father. You want him to structure your life with your husband, to basically proctor your husband into being the type of man you'd like him to be. You want your father to be a kind of "Movieland" father who shows up and shows his emotions on his sleeve while at the same time being a real man who knows about money, deeds, accounting, farming, working. He makes it all happen and takes care of everyone and all their problems all the time.

OP, part of growing up (sorry, condescending, I know) is realizing that your father can't possible fulfill as these expectations. Who could? And when he doesn't fulfill your mythical expectations, well then, he's just a sperm donor to you and deserves to be completely cut off.

OP, you need to accept your father is a human being and he's actually getting older. He can only do so much and be so much. You are an adult. You are married. You are now in charge of your own life. Be the person starring your movie of your life, in charge. Don't expect others to take care of you. Anyone.

[Anonymous]

the current phone call event is calling up all the problems in the overall relationship.

I have had the exact same kind of phone call with my dad. He just would not ever respect a boundary and so I know exactly how that feels. In that particular phone call, I warned him and then I said goodbye and hung up while he was still ranting. Months later he was still suddenly hanging up on me just to show me. So tedious.

But OP your instinct is exactly right - you will have to go through the mourning process for the relationship you didn't have and are not going to have. Chasing this dream of this relationship is screwing up your life and your mind - I did the same and went through the same. As you process through it, you will come to an acceptance of his limitations and letting go of your expectations. I bought blank books where I could just write about it when it got to me and I was brooding on it. Also found a counselor who helped me confront stuff that I was protecting but needed to face.

And yeah he sulked in his room on my wedding day, but he did give a decent speech and not embarrass me, and by that point that more than I expected of him so he exceeded my low expectation.

Through this I learned a lot about better boundaries, respecting and protecting myself but also giving other people space to be who they are, even if I disapprove.

Finally, I am using the lessons learned to be a better parent, be emotionally warm and say positive things to my kids, pay attention to them, ask them open-ended questions to hear their thoughts and let them experience expressing themselves and having it be valued.