It is my fault

[Anonymous]

How can your home life be "perfect" when your husband is texting other women. Non-volatile maybe, but it's not perfect. And trust me, he is sleeping with them. If he is not, he will be eventually.

[Anonymous]

Your problems are too big for dcum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you think that all men are like this (as you mentioned in your post), then you've got a lot of growing up to do. Unfortunately, you have a kid now so you need to grow up fast. Please don't tell your daughter that all men are like this...that's the worst thing you can pass down to her.

I know they are not. Some of my friends have healthy relationships. I just do feel they are few and far between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you want what's best for your daughter, but your suffering for years with this man isn't going to help your little girl. She will be happiest if you are happy. You could try sharing your genuine thoughts with your partner, even if it might lead to some fights, and see how you are able to resolve things as a couple. You say you have a happy home life without fighting, but it is a false happiness if it is maintained only by your concealing your true thoughts and feelings.

OP Here....this is very true. I will have to do this.

I have already made a plan B. I feel so shitty. I had NO father, and my relationships with men have never been healthy. My mom's husband dies and she immediately moved in another low life @ 53 years old. I don't want to keep this cycle going, and I just don't know where to turn to for help.

You did keep the cycle going. Your daughter will either have no dad around or see you go from one bad man to another unless you get some serious counseling. I know this sounds harsh but you need to hear the truth. If you leave him, I would strongly suggest not dating for awhile until you get your life sorted out (preferably when DD is much older). I hate to say this but Dr. Laura has good advice on your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you think that all men are like this (as you mentioned in your post), then you've got a lot of growing up to do. Unfortunately, you have a kid now so you need to grow up fast. Please don't tell your daughter that all men are like this...that's the worst thing you can pass down to her.

I know they are not. Some of my friends have healthy relationships. I just do feel they are few and far between.

OP, you must be confusing what men are available vs. what men you think you deserve. Your low self esteem is making you think that good men are rare because you don't think you are worthy of one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you want what's best for your daughter, but your suffering for years with this man isn't going to help your little girl. She will be happiest if you are happy. You could try sharing your genuine thoughts with your partner, even if it might lead to some fights, and see how you are able to resolve things as a couple. You say you have a happy home life without fighting, but it is a false happiness if it is maintained only by your concealing your true thoughts and feelings.

OP Here....this is very true. I will have to do this.

I have already made a plan B. I feel so shitty. I had NO father, and my relationships with men have never been healthy. My mom's husband dies and she immediately moved in another low life @ 53 years old. I don't want to keep this cycle going, and I just don't know where to turn to for help.

You did keep the cycle going. Your daughter will either have no dad around or see you go from one bad man to another unless you get some serious counseling. I know this sounds harsh but you need to hear the truth. If you leave him, I would strongly suggest not dating for awhile until you get your life sorted out (preferably when DD is much older). I hate to say this but Dr. Laura has good advice on your situation.

Where do I get counseling? I am unclear on that. Does my insurance cover it? How do I find the right counselor? Do I see a LSW or a psychiatrist?

I don't ever want to date again. I clearly make bad decisions. I am so ok with just having my little girl and a small life on the side watching movies and working.

[Anonymous]

Op - are you in therapy? It sounds like you have deeper problems that you need to deal with before you can make healthy decisions about relationships.

You had a baby with your boyfriend - not a good start to stability. In your efforts to not be your mother and have have a deadbeat father you are actually going to recreate that or make a different mess.

You need some serious professional intervention.

[Anonymous]

First you need to talk to your partner, tell him you know about the cheating (that's what it is don't let him say it isn't because it isn't physical, he is cheating on you).

If he wants to get married and that's something you think you want you need to see someone (priest, rabi, counselor) for pre-marriage counseling. They will help you work through your relationship issues and make sure you are both on the same page before you get married.

You did create these problems by having a child with a man that you were not married to and who was not committed to your relationship but that doesn't mean you can't change what happens going forward.

[Anonymous]

OP, I picture my friend will be like this in the future. Her boyfriend is exactly like yours (and do you really know if he's cheating or not? Because she has no way of knowing for sure) but she doesn't have kids yet.

I have been urging her for over a year to break up with him, but she won't. If your boyfriend is anything like hers, he won't change without some serious therapy to get to the bottom of his issues.

You need to get out and model a better life for your daughter. Do you really want her to be you when she's older? I hope not.

I don't say this to be mean, but maybe as a wake up call. Yes, this is your fault. You knew what he was like and still decided to have a child. If you get married, it won't change. So now it is time to make the decision what is best for you and your child. And you know what it is. If you choose to marry him and spend your life with him, you can't complain or ever cry woe is me. I hope you have higher self esteem than my friend, but it does not seem like it. Which is very sad. I recommend counseling.

[Anonymous]

OP is starting to annoy me. OP, see those bootstraps? Pull up. Find a counselor. Either it's covered by your insurer or it's not. Do the legwork. Make your life better. Holy smokes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - are you in therapy? It sounds like you have deeper problems that you need to deal with before you can make healthy decisions about relationships.

You had a baby with your boyfriend - not a good start to stability. In your efforts to not be your mother and have have a deadbeat father you are actually going to recreate that or make a different mess.

You need some serious professional intervention.

My dad and mom were both heroin addicts. My dad eventually died of AIDS. After a suicide attempt my mother went into PI of MO County and lived in a halfway house where she met my step father who physically assaulted her and mentally tormented me. I finally moved into foster care and have been on my own since 17. I have never had one healthy relationship with man. I made it through high school and college by the skin of my teeth, but over time found happiness in outdoor activities and travel. I feel pretty good about my life except for my relationships with men. I do think he is a good person, but also lost too in his own way. I am probably going to have heart to heart...see if he wants some counseling to make this work without anything toxic and if it doesn't work out I will move on and stop the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - are you in therapy? It sounds like you have deeper problems that you need to deal with before you can make healthy decisions about relationships.

You had a baby with your boyfriend - not a good start to stability. In your efforts to not be your mother and have have a deadbeat father you are actually going to recreate that or make a different mess.

You need some serious professional intervention.

My dad and mom were both heroin addicts. My dad eventually died of AIDS. After a suicide attempt my mother went into PI of MO County and lived in a halfway house where she met my step father who physically assaulted her and mentally tormented me. I finally moved into foster care and have been on my own since 17. I have never had one healthy relationship with man. I made it through high school and college by the skin of my teeth, but over time found happiness in outdoor activities and travel. I feel pretty good about my life except for my relationships with men. I do think he is a good person, but also lost too in his own way. I am probably going to have heart to heart...see if he wants some counseling to make this work without anything toxic and if it doesn't work out I will move on and stop the cycle.

And it is harder than you think. Many people can just walk away. But I have issues...so it isn't as easy for me as it might be for you. I am not denying any issues or needing help. I just am scared and sad.

[Anonymous]

See a counselor. Look at your insurance card and on the back there should be a mental health number. Call it. They will give you therapists in the area who are covered under your insurance. You don't sound like you need medication, so you can either see a psychologist or a LICSW. I've seen both and didn't notice a big difference between the two.

[Anonymous]

Where are you located OP? MD?

The Women's Center in Vienna offers counseling and crisis help. They will help you figure out your insurance coverage step by step.

I would suggest enrolling yourself in individual counseling first. Discuss the situation, your background, and come up with a game plan.

My guess is you will sort yourself out and have an invention regarding the text messages.

You could tell your partner it's pre-marital counseling and then confront him with a counselor's help.

From an outside perspective, don't marry him. If you have to leave its less expensive than a divorce. You deserve happiness and might have to work for it. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you want what's best for your daughter, but your suffering for years with this man isn't going to help your little girl. She will be happiest if you are happy. You could try sharing your genuine thoughts with your partner, even if it might lead to some fights, and see how you are able to resolve things as a couple. You say you have a happy home life without fighting, but it is a false happiness if it is maintained only by your concealing your true thoughts and feelings.

OP Here....this is very true. I will have to do this.

I have already made a plan B. I feel so shitty. I had NO father, and my relationships with men have never been healthy. My mom's husband dies and she immediately moved in another low life @ 53 years old. I don't want to keep this cycle going, and I just don't know where to turn to for help.

You are doing great being aware of your situation and being willing to make changes. Please don't be down on yourself and blame yourself! It is hard to make changes from generation to generation. I'm thinking that you will make changes bit by bit and give your daughter a better childhood than what you had.

I see that posters at 14:40 and 14:41, and others, have good suggestions for next steps. I can see that even if you want to make changes there might not be a clear path. If nothing else works talk with your pediatrician's office and/or OB/GYN's office. Keep reaching out until someone can help. Do not give up!