It is my fault

[Anonymous]

Also can you talk with a church minister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - are you in therapy? It sounds like you have deeper problems that you need to deal with before you can make healthy decisions about relationships.

You had a baby with your boyfriend - not a good start to stability. In your efforts to not be your mother and have have a deadbeat father you are actually going to recreate that or make a different mess.

You need some serious professional intervention.

My dad and mom were both heroin addicts. My dad eventually died of AIDS. After a suicide attempt my mother went into PI of MO County and lived in a halfway house where she met my step father who physically assaulted her and mentally tormented me. I finally moved into foster care and have been on my own since 17. I have never had one healthy relationship with man. I made it through high school and college by the skin of my teeth, but over time found happiness in outdoor activities and travel. I feel pretty good about my life except for my relationships with men. I do think he is a good person, but also lost too in his own way. I am probably going to have heart to heart...see if he wants some counseling to make this work without anything toxic and if it doesn't work out I will move on and stop the cycle.

And it is harder than you think. Many people can just walk away. But I have issues...so it isn't as easy for me as it might be for you. I am not denying any issues or needing help. I just am scared and sad.

Do at least something small that makes you happy each day. You mentioned outdoor activities and travel. Take your daughter to a park or on a nice walk in the stroller. Visit new places, even a new grocery store or coffee shop, on a rainy day.

[Anonymous]

Yes, its totally normal. This is the way all men behave in a relationship. Keep letting him treat you like the doormat you are.

[Anonymous]

End it and get therapy so you never make such a bad choice again. Lots of well adjusted people were raised by single parents. Lots of fucked up people were raised by married people. Break the cycle so your daughter doesn't live it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:End it and get therapy so you never make such a bad choice again. Lots of well adjusted people were raised by single parents. Lots of fucked up people were raised by married people. Break the cycle so your daughter doesn't live it too.

Not the OP but easier said than done. Even if you fight making bad choices, the great guys don't always want to marry a woman whose parents were both heroin addicts, whose father died of AIDS, etc. When people find out about your family, even if they don't immediately flee, they might not want to take the step of marriage. It is hard for OP who has completed high school and college and now has accomplishments and awareness that don't match her family background. She is between two worlds and perhaps belonging in neither. I have been there.

[Anonymous]

Op I think you need to do individual therapy first before couples counseling. You need to deal with your own issues related to your own life. You have already overcome a lot however getting extra support to manage the parts that are still a struggle is a good thing. It isn't just about how you feel about men, it is also about how you feel about yourself. Until you deal with yourself you aren't going to make great decisions about men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not the victim. I did this to myself. It is my fault. I chose him. I knew. He wants to get married...he keeps pressing me for a day.

Tell him you will get married when you two can agree on how much sex talk/flirting with others is OK. Go to counseling to try to reach and agreement on this and to work on building trust. In the meantime, insist on using a condom during sex due to the STD concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby with a man who has secrets. He has been amazing since I got pregnant and adores his little girl. We have a very happy home life. No fighting. Laughter. Love. But he texts other women. I know he is not physical with them, but he does talk about sex with his ex girlfriends. I have a different moral code that I live by, but he is also a man. All men are like this right? Since I chose this life, and I don't want to have my daughter grow up in a broken home do I just sit around and accept this as my new life since it is in the best interest of my little girl. I certainly would not know what he was doing if I didn't go through his phone. I am just super paranoid of him actually doing the physical deed so I keep checking on that because I don't want to catch an STD. I just don't know what to do. I read countless articles about how you should stay together as long as you are not fighting because it is in the best interest of child. I don't want her to suffer because of my mistakes. I am just not sure how I can just turn off my snooping. Every time I snoop I end up in tears for days. I am sure you wouldn't have gotten yourself into this situation, but what would you do if you were me?

You are with a man who is not a partner to you. He is not teamed with you for a relationship or for parenting; he has his own agenda and wants a life separate from you. This is not a situation that you would want to enter into as a marriage. It could only hurt you and your DD. (Would you want her to be in this situation?)

And no, not all men are like this. Not at all.

[Anonymous]

OP you have gotten great suggestions for counseling. I just want to say I think you have overcome so much and you need to think about the reserves of strength you MUST have in you to have been able to do that. Also, you must know by now that the immense love you have for your daughter also gives you superhuman strength, right? By loving her so much and wanting to do the right thing for her you have experienced your own triumph over your past. Please please please hang in there and talk to a professional who can compassionately and effectively guide you. You must be strong for yourself and your daughter -- you deserve happiness and she deserves the very best the world has to offer. Be well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I think you need to do individual therapy first before couples counseling. You need to deal with your own issues related to your own life. You have already overcome a lot however getting extra support to manage the parts that are still a struggle is a good thing. It isn't just about how you feel about men, it is also about how you feel about yourself. Until you deal with yourself you aren't going to make great decisions about men.

Yes, counseling for you first. You can break the cycle. Try the Women's Center if you're worried about cost:
http://www.thewomenscenter.org/

Do not marry him. Even if he isn't physical with other women and just texting them, this is not a good sign. You need honesty in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Eventually your child will realize something is wrong with dad and/or will catch him communicating with other women. DC will see you being an emotional mess who believes she doesn't deserve better.

How is that better than a "broken home"?

[Anonymous]

After a unpleasant childhood and a riff in my relationship with my father last year, I've made a lot of bad decisions about men in the last 18 mos. I understand the frustration of seeing yourself making bad decisions, but feeling compelled to do it.

Start with a therapist. Learn to draw some healthy boundaries. Go to group therapy.

Even if you don't have BPD, these workbooks can be helpful for the self-blame and self-hate: http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131/ref=cm_lmf_tit_5

Lay down the law with your guy. If he can't deal, show him the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby with a man who has secrets. He has been amazing since I got pregnant and adores his little girl. We have a very happy home life. No fighting. Laughter. Love. But he texts other women. I know he is not physical with them, but he does talk about sex with his ex girlfriends. I have a different moral code that I live by, but he is also a man. All men are like this right? Since I chose this life, and I don't want to have my daughter grow up in a broken home do I just sit around and accept this as my new life since it is in the best interest of my little girl. I certainly would not know what he was doing if I didn't go through his phone. I am just super paranoid of him actually doing the physical deed so I keep checking on that because I don't want to catch an STD. I just don't know what to do. I read countless articles about how you should stay together as long as you are not fighting because it is in the best interest of child. I don't want her to suffer because of my mistakes. I am just not sure how I can just turn off my snooping. Every time I snoop I end up in tears for days. I am sure you wouldn't have gotten yourself into this situation, but what would you do if you were me?

If you have committed yourself to this man and his faults talk with him. Have an open relationship with boundaries

[Anonymous]

OP, when couples do not fight at all, then that is worse than fighting all the time.

Your relationship sounds worse than unhealthy to me. Sorry to be so straightforward, but someone needs to tell it like it is.

You sound very insecure and desperate to be loved and you are settling for waay less than what you deserve here.

You deserve much more in life.
I understand you do not want your child to be brought up in a single parent home and that is a valid concern. But not a good enough reason to stay w/a man who is still talking sex w/other women.

Trust me... If he isn't doing it now, he will be very soon. I am sure you are worried about more than simply STD's.

You don't want to get your heart broken.

You need to splash some ice cold water on your face and wake up.
This guy is a rat and is taking you for granted.

The reason you do not argue is because YOU are the one letting him do whatever he wants. You prefer not to "rock the boat."
You are under the misguided belief that if you keep quiet and pretend things are "hunky dory" they will be.

I hope you can develop some self~esteem OP.
I am sure you have many positive attributes about yourself.

Write them down and keep them close to you and read them to yourself often.

You are a beautiful, special and unique person.
There is nobody else in the world like you!

You have so much to offer.
If this guy can't see all that, then stop wasting your time and energy on him.

Use your resources on someone who will appreciate you in the long run and make you and your child happy.

It's been done many times historically and will be done many times over in the future.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are you located OP? MD?

The Women's Center in Vienna offers counseling and crisis help. They will help you figure out your insurance coverage step by step.

I would suggest enrolling yourself in individual counseling first. Discuss the situation, your background, and come up with a game plan.

My guess is you will sort yourself out and have an invention regarding the text messages.

You could tell your partner it's pre-marital counseling and then confront him with a counselor's help.

From an outside perspective, don't marry him. If you have to leave its less expensive than a divorce. You deserve happiness and might have to work for it. Good luck.

Ditto. OP - Does your workplace have an Employee Assistance Program? Check that out.

Good luck.