Husband upset...what should I say?

[Anonymous]

OP maybe volunteer to take the kids without DH??? Have father tell his dad it is too soon for him. Do you work? If you don't have DH take off a different week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe volunteer to take the kids without DH??? Have father tell his dad it is too soon for him. Do you work? If you don't have DH take off a different week.

I am one of the earlier posters with a father who did the same thing.

I would have been furious with my husband had he even suggested such a thing.

[Anonymous]

I would not attend.

[Anonymous]

Is there any way that your husband could ask his dad if his new girlfriend could only come for part of the week? That might make it easier for everyone - you would meet her, which is presumably what his dad wants, but you would also have time with just the family. It wouldn't be ideal, but maybe it would make things better.

[Anonymous]

This is OP again; I think what DH might like is to at least meet her beforehand. I don't know if that'll happen, but since it's a few months away it might. He's not hysterical about this...just wishes he didn't have to deal with feeling sad his mom isn't there while at the same time seeing his dad with someone new and having the stress of meeting that new person.

Honestly it bothers me too! Of course I've largely kept my mouth shut since in the end it doesn't matter what I think. But I wish his dad could just let that week be this year too. Just let us all have that week and then the following year invite his girlfriend. I still can't believe DH's mom won't be there!

[Anonymous]

Did your MIL die of a long illness? And was your FIL her primary caregiver (or manager of caregivers coming in and out of the house)? He may have processed this loss a bit differently than you, especially if you don't live nearby as it sounds like.

We have a close family friend who started dating someone seriously barely six months after his wife died. His wife had been sick for years, and I think that grueling experience made him ready to embrace joy when he found it.

I'm sure it's rough for your DH, and I agree that having the new woman at the house for a whole week is a bit much, but there may be an aspect of "life is for the living" coming from your FIL, who realizes his own time is limited too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps the beach house tradition should take a year off to allow those who need to grieve for MIL an opportunity to do so.

Well, DH's dad secured the house again and paid for it before this relationship got so serious. So we'd all committed before this happened. Of course we could back out, but our kids would be crushed. They especially look forward to spending the week with their grandparents (or now I guess grandparent) and aunts, uncles, and cousins. This is part of why the whole thing is difficult!

I'm not sure what I will tell my children about who this woman is..."Grandpa's friend" I guess and the less the better. We will of course be friendly to her. I do expect my children to bring up their grandma since she was so central to the experience. Sigh.

I would still back out. It won't ever be the same for the kids with grandma's passing, so no time like the present to change traditions. Grandpa needs to learn the art of easing into things gracefully, and best case scenario, his new friend is also uncomfortable with idea and will back up the idea of skipping it this year if someone else opens the conversation.

+1; OP, I'm sure this is going to sound harsh but to me it seems you are really looking forward to your traditional beach vacation so you don't want to have it screwed up. I think you should suggest renting a house just for your family and making plans with your FIL throughout the week. Don't let a greedy desire to have a free vacation blind you to other options that should be considered here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your MIL die of a long illness? And was your FIL her primary caregiver (or manager of caregivers coming in and out of the house)? He may have processed this loss a bit differently than you, especially if you don't live nearby as it sounds like.

We have a close family friend who started dating someone seriously barely six months after his wife died. His wife had been sick for years, and I think that grueling experience made him ready to embrace joy when he found it.

I'm sure it's rough for your DH, and I agree that having the new woman at the house for a whole week is a bit much, but there may be an aspect of "life is for the living" coming from your FIL, who realizes his own time is limited too.

OP here: I think that you are right about FIL looking at things with an eye to how much time he may have (he isn't sick or anything but he is in his 70's). We do live close by and no MIL was not sick for a lengthy period of time. She died suddenly while they were on vacation. But of course I'm sure FIL is processing her loss differently than her kids.

I think it's interesting that another poster mentioned my "greedy desire" for a free vacation. Really? Where in any of my posts have I come across as greedy for a free vacation? I was seeking advice about how to comfort my DH who is having a hard time with the idea of his newly widowed father dating and bringing his girlfriend to the beach. Our kids look forward to spending a week with their cousins. This has nothing to do with being greedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father did this when my mom unexpectedly passed away, and it ripped our family apart. This was nearly 10 years ago, and it still brings up raw emotions from time to time.

The day of the funeral he started talking about finding a new wife, he was on online dating sites a week later, and proposing to women soon thereafter. My niece (5 at the time) was watched almost daily by grandma and was devastated by her death. When it came out that grandpa had been showing her pictures of women from the dating site and telling her that one of them would soon be her "new grandma", that was the final straw. By around 4-5 months after our mom passed, he had moved a woman accross the country to live with him, and I think they got married at a justice of the peace a few months after that, before our mother's gravestone had even been put in place. We pleaded, begged, for him to take it slower, to show some respect to our mother, but he was like a crazy man. The woman also used his grief and our mother's memory to manipulate him along the way, going as far as to call the gravestone company as "his wife" and try to tell them that they needed to change the gravestone text that listed our mother as his loving wife.

The emotions that your husband is facing in this situation are not just simple grief. He might not articulate it, but he, on behalf of his mom and her memory, is feeling that her honor is being betrayed. That his father couldn't wait until she was cold in the ground to start bringing in some hussy to take her place. That how could his father have truly loved his wife, if this is how he "honors" her memory. Your husband is filled with anger, hurt, loss, and betrayal, and he is feeling like an honorable mourning of his mother has been taken away from the family. He is filled with guilt over the rage is he probably feeling for his father, and he is grieving the loss of not only his mother, but his father as well. He will not be able to move through the natural mourning processes with his family in the way he expected to: the first Thanksgiving without his mom, the first Christmas, his birthday, his kids birthdays. Instead of pulling together as a family with that empty chair at the table and learning how to move on together, he is going to have an unwelcome intruder in that chair. This family summer trip was probably going to be an important part of your husband's grieving process, and now that was taken away because his father just couldn't wait and show some respect to his dead wife.

Irrational or not, your husband is probably feeling all this and more. Be there for him. Agree with him. Cry with him. Don't criticize his father, but when he criticizes his father, agree with him, tell him how hurt and angry you also are. Remember his mom with him. Don't try to reason with him, or to justify a single thing his dad is doing. Help him to do things to memorialize his mother (We put a Blessed Mother statue on our mother's grave because it was so lonely and forlorn without the gravestone that first year, especially since we felt our dad abandoned her memory). Stand firm with him if he does not want his children to have anything to do with this woman. Do not, under any circumstances, try to intervene and develop a relationship with his children and this woman in the interest of keeping peace. Eventually, things will get better. his feelings will wane, and it won't hurt so badly. Good luck to both of you!

Holy crap. We have loved through the same experience! I wish this wasn't anonymous so we could chat.

OP, I will tell you to just support your DH. It is incredibly difficult and you just need to let him lead. Don't try to mediate or point out things where his father may be right. He can't handle that right now.

[Anonymous]

OP, PP from above also. Sorry, not really helping with the family vacation issue (let your DH decide- may crush the kids but support him) but to the broader helping your husband issue. My father was engaged shortly after my Mom died. It was really quick and like the PP tore our family apart. We just wanted a gravestone before the wedding! My sibling stepped in and sabotaged the whole thing (different thread for the story). He went on to do a lot more online "dating" which was really difficult on all of us. He spent time travelling around to meet these women instead of spending time with his family. It really hurt us all. 10 years later he is still alone and I do have regrets because the women he was engaged to was the only normal one. Now at 75 he is alone and it breaks my heart. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad? I don't know.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry to insult you, OP with the "greedy" comment, but I honestly did get those undercurrents in your posts...so maybe you're not at all, or maybe you are a little bit and you just haven't acknowledged it. I mean, in your first post you said "I'm fine with it" (meaning the girlfriend being there) and then you said in a later post "Just let us all have that week and then the following year invite his girlfriend." With your husband's feelings aside, to me it seems that some of the emotions you bring to the table are linked with you not wanting your vacation plans messed with. And I would definitely feel the way your husband does too...it would bother me to say goodnight to my father each night as he heads to his bedroom with his girlfriend. And who knows how the girlfriend will behave...will she be the subdued, obliging guest who understands her role as neebie in a long-established family tradition or will she choose to assert her new role as girlfriend of the patriarch by being bossy about scheduling and meals and conversation topics, etc. Too many unknowns, in my opinion. Anyway, that is why I would probably take another PP's advice and take this opportunity to change up the family tradition. For me that would mean renting a second house. The kids could still have sleepovers at grandpa's house all week, if you/they want, but your husband would have a place to go outside of his family. Anyway, back to the original question about how to help your husband...i guess what I would do is tell him that you're behind him with whatever he wants to do...and if that means not going on the vacation or renting a second house or grinning and bearing it, then that's what you'll do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry to insult you, OP with the "greedy" comment, but I honestly did get those undercurrents in your posts...so maybe you're not at all, or maybe you are a little bit and you just haven't acknowledged it. I mean, in your first post you said "I'm fine with it" (meaning the girlfriend being there) and then you said in a later post "Just let us all have that week and then the following year invite his girlfriend." With your husband's feelings aside, to me it seems that some of the emotions you bring to the table are linked with you not wanting your vacation plans messed with. And I would definitely feel the way your husband does too...it would bother me to say goodnight to my father each night as he heads to his bedroom with his girlfriend. And who knows how the girlfriend will behave...will she be the subdued, obliging guest who understands her role as neebie in a long-established family tradition or will she choose to assert her new role as girlfriend of the patriarch by being bossy about scheduling and meals and conversation topics, etc. Too many unknowns, in my opinion. Anyway, that is why I would probably take another PP's advice and take this opportunity to change up the family tradition. For me that would mean renting a second house. The kids could still have sleepovers at grandpa's house all week, if you/they want, but your husband would have a place to go outside of his family. Anyway, back to the original question about how to help your husband...i guess what I would do is tell him that you're behind him with whatever he wants to do...and if that means not going on the vacation or renting a second house or grinning and bearing it, then that's what you'll do.

I am fine with FIL's girlfriend coming. But, yes, it is jarring for me too since until eight months ago or so I associated FIL with MIL. And yes, I actually miss my MIL. This has nothing to do with not wanting my "vacation plans messed with." Good lord. Maybe you usually see the worst in people, or expect it. I'm not uncomfortable with FIL's girlfriend in any way because it is screwing up my vacation. If I'm uncomfortable at all it's because I miss my MIL and I'm still getting used to the idea of her being gone, let alone there being someone new around.

[Anonymous]

I'm telling you, odds are the new friend is freaking about this whole idea too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm telling you, odds are the new friend is freaking about this whole idea too.

+1. Folks might be surprised. Went through this with my FIL. Was moving really fast with a lady after MIL passed suddenly. The 6 siblings were a united front and actually blocked him from bringing the lady to family functions soon after MIL died. So he started giving ultimatums! "I am not coming if my girlfriend isn't invited." Had a minor family crisis and we happened to speak with the lady about everything. What we learned was that the lady was actually uncomfortable with my FIL's effort to force her upon the family and she often protested to him. My FIL and his insistence that the family accept this woman on his terms WAS the issue!

With respect to the OP, I agree that you have to support DH and allow him to lead. My DH was devasated with his mom's sudden death and had the same issues with his dad that the PP had about honoring MIL and mourning her properly. While he has come to grips with his mom's death, he has never fully gotten over his dad's behavior in the immediate aftermath. What did help him is the "life is for the living" concept. While he has issues with everything, he did not want his dad to sit around waiting to die. He realized his parents had a good 45 years together and that one passed on. Deep down, he wants his dad to be happy and fulfilled. BUT it took almost 2 years and dealing with his dad's behavior to get to that point.

[Anonymous]

Has your husband talked with his father about this? I've never been through something like this, but I'm wondering if he's just going through his own process and is not even thinking about how it's effecting the rest of the family? If that is the case it would be understandable at least.