Husband upset...what should I say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIL does not owe you anything. /quote]

I think people do owe respect for others feelings and honorable behavior. What he is doing is inappropriate. If you are going to be indecent its best to do it in the privacy of your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Losing a spouse is harder than losing a parent. Doesn't anyone in the family have any sympathy for the bereaved husband?

All the more reason for him to lean on his children, instead of alienating them. But look, most widowers are looking for a maid and a cook, and who can blame them? There is a shortage of single older men, so plenty of single women sixty and up are willing to debase themselves for scraps of attention. I decided when my dad started dating to not get worked up over the new scullery maid. She is miserable, dad is happy to assign her to do all the cooking and cleaning. I barely see her when we visit, as she is usually scrubbing toilets and doing laundry. I haven't had the heart to tell her dad sprung for a housekeeper when mom was alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother passed away unexpectedly and young. Before we even burried her ashes my father was screwing a neighbor. No respect for his spouse of 30 years, no considerstion for our feelings. That just killed me and tore the family apart. I have not spken to him since. It has been 7 years.

If your parents had been married for 30 years, your mother wasn't young when she died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother passed away unexpectedly and young. Before we even burried her ashes my father was screwing a neighbor. No respect for his spouse of 30 years, no considerstion for our feelings. That just killed me and tore the family apart. I have not spken to him since. It has been 7 years.

If your parents had been married for 30 years, your mother wasn't young when she died.

Hate to break it to you, but a woman who dies is her early 50s is considered dying young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the father stuck it out for the kids in a miserable, loveless, DCUM sexless marriage, and is giddy that he is finally free.

Or he had a fabulous marriage and is devastated by the idea of being alone and is willing to put anyone in that spot so he doesn't have to be alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother passed away unexpectedly and young. Before we even burried her ashes my father was screwing a neighbor. No respect for his spouse of 30 years, no considerstion for our feelings. That just killed me and tore the family apart. I have not spken to him since. It has been 7 years.

If your parents had been married for 30 years, your mother wasn't young when she died.

50 is young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps the beach house tradition should take a year off to allow those who need to grieve for MIL an opportunity to do so.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP here: So, I definitely don't think this lady is going to be wiping FIL's butt and slaving over him...she's been a widow for 20 some years herself and seems to be very well situated financially and have a very full life. We are happy for FIL ultimately. We are hoping we can meet her before the trip (we all live fairly near each other.)

One annoying thing is that actually she is more affluent that FIL and so are her kids and he seems very taken with this. I asked if they belonged to our neighborhood pool and he was like, "uh, no, country club!" Shrug. He's talked about how nice her house is several times...so I hope she is not like this, personally.

But also FIL had not told my SIL (his daughter) and it came up while my DH and I were talking to her...she was grateful she heard it from us first...but obviously FIL does have some idea that it might upset some of his kids because he told SIL last after he'd told everyone else and not because he doesn't speak to her, because he does regularly. She didn't even know he was dating.

[Anonymous]

I think my mom started dating her boyfriend (now of 6 years) within a month of his wife's death. She didn't die suddenly, and it still sounds terrible. But consider a few things: -1-men in their 60s/ 70s who have been married their entire lives may literally not know how to take care of themselves because gender roles were much more defined then. This man was eating like beans and peanut butter. -2- My mom, a widow, had been alone for many years and a friend set her up with this guy so quickly because guys in that age category go like hotcakes (women live much longer and guys date younger women, so there's more competition.) -3- I was a little freaked out myself by the situation, but they have enhanced each others' lives to such an extent that I'm glad he didn't waste too much time (though it would have bothered me terribly if it was my own mom who had died) -4- His children still don't know how soon they began dating, so I do think it's a bit tasteless that he wants to take her to the beach.

[Anonymous]

OP here: No FIL is obviously very smitten with this lady and I want to stress that in the big picture none of us has an issue with this. We get that life is short and all that. We get that. It's still a big adjustment for DH and his siblings. For instance yesterday we were all together and twice FIL showed us her picture on his phone like "isn't she nice looking" kind of thing (and she's attractive in a completely appropriate way and is FIL's age so nothing shocking or anything). But it's stuff like that. My DH can simultaneously be okay in theory with his dad dating and still be uncomfortable with this kind of thing.

Maybe with all his many emotions he has lost a little sensitivity to how this might make his kids feel. Or maybe he does figure his time is limited and just figure we'll all get used to it and just deal with it. I mean 8 months ago my MIL was alive.

[Anonymous]

I still think it's pathetic. So what if you are in your 60-70ies? What is it? Afraid to be alone with yourself? Afraid to wash your own socks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still think it's pathetic. So what if you are in your 60-70ies? What is it? Afraid to be alone with yourself? Afraid to wash your own socks?

Yea...pretty much. But before you judge.....stay married to someone for 40-50 years and have them die. Let us know how would you cope. You know what? That soemthing you cannot even begin to fathom until you go through it.