toxic family member
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| Keep your distance from SM, and keep reaching out to your sisters. Your youngest especially has been raised by this toxic mom and knows no other reality; she is hostage to her mom's moods. Try not to take it personally that she feels like she needs to stay away from you now; she's just protecting herself from your SM's wrath. Jut keep letting them know that you love and welcome them when they are ready. |
Anonymous
I would amend the above to say your first obligation is to yourself. What you describe is incredibly toxic and now that you're an adult, you don't have to live that way any more. When you're a kid (like your youngest sister) you don't get a choice but you've got one now. As you well know, accomodation and appeasement just doesn't work in the long run. You're going to have to stand your ground on this. You should be clear to everyone that you find your SM's behavior unacceptable and you will not tolerate her abusing any one. If that happens, you will immediately leave. This isn't an argument, this isn't a discussion. It's just the way it is. You MUST be prepared to follow through. When she engages in that behavior, get up, state what behavior is abusive/unacceptable and tell all you are leaving. Make sure you keep reaching out to your little sister. She's old enough to have learned a few manipulation tips from her mother and it sounds like she's starting to use them. Good luck! |
Anonymous
|
Op here,
Thank you again for the helpful advice. I'm getting a sense that most of you think the "rarely see her" plan is better than the "flat out refuse to see her" plan. Is that correct? Because as it stands right now, I've told family I will not see her/go to her house etc until her behavior changes. However after 15+ years of this, there's probably zero chance of that so my concession means little. A big issue is the anxiety I feel when I'm around her...always waiting for the other shoe to drop, when is everything going to go to hell THIS time. She can take a fun family event and kill it with just her presence as i watch her consume half s bottle of wine and get more argumentative. Inching closer to the inevitable blow up (wine is sometimes the catalyst but not always - definiely doesnt help). Many in my family say that this anxiety I feel is my problem, my fault, my issue to deal with and should not be a part of my decision to not see her. I need to "lighten up" and not "take her so seriously". Any thoughts on this? |
Anonymous
| You have to ask yourself getting back at her is worth losing your father and sister for and ultimately a grandfather and aunts for your child, because that seems to be the choice you are making. Your anxiety is your issue. BTW, if alcohol is the catalyst why does your family have alcohol when you are altogether. Forget the wine and maybe things would simmer down. |
Anonymous
| Op I have a stepmom situation similar to yours, but no siblings to lose unlike you. My stepmom got so bad I told my Dad "I love you and I refuse to let her ruin the wonderful relationship we've always had, but until her behavior towards me changes I won't be around her" we live six hours apart so our time together is so limited but he always makes time for me without her when I'm visiting. I'm pregnant too and it has made me even more firm in my stance. She hates me and takes every opportunity to lie or talk bad about me who wants to be around that? It took three years to discover that she was erasing my messages from their home phone and not telling my Dad I had called. I don't need that nonsense around my kid |
Anonymous
It doesn't sound like you have much experience with family dysfunction. If OP's family isn't willing to establish boundaries on the SM's behavior why would they put limits on alcohol consumption. Also, OP said that wine is not necessary for a blow up. The issue is whatever personality disorder the SM has. |
Anonymous
|
IMO you have to set boundaries of what is acceptable behavior, and when they are crossed there will be consequences.
SM seems to be a raging narcissist and drama queen. Dad has some weird stuff going on too. Youngest sister gets most of my sympathy. As for SM &c., I think you have to set boundaries and let them know "when you do x, it makes me feel like y" and that certain behaviors are unacceptable, and that you will voluntary absent yourself & your family if and when they occur. If they don't, fine. If they do, just say "I'm sorry, I've made it clear that this isn't acceptable so we are (leaving/ not coming/ etc.)" This sucks, I am sure but you have to protect yourself and your family from SM and Dad, and see if you can help your sister who is stuck in a hellish situation. |
Anonymous
I can’t tell you how much the bolded part resonates with me. My father had NPD and he ruined so many holidays growing up that even 27 years after his death, I still have an ingrained sense of dread around all holidays and my birthday. It’s gotten better since I’ve had kids but I still always expect the day to be ruined. It totally sucks. I can imagine how bad it would be if he were still alive as your SM is. What I hear in your posts is that your family, like mine was for so long, is accustomed to doing whatever it takes to appease your SM. After all these years, you’ve decided not to go along anymore. It DOES make things difficult for them because now your SM has another way to torture them. But, that’s their problem not yours. You should not have to walk on eggshells around anyone. If this woman wasn’t married to your father, would any of you tolerate this behavior? I doubt it very much. It’s going to be very difficult for you to break this pattern and you’re going to come under a lot of pressure from your family. Resist. Remain calm and unemotional. As the PP noted, set clearly defined boundaries and stick to them. If your SM chooses not to respect them, then that’s her choice. It’s all on her. |
Anonymous
My mother is diagnosed paranoid Schizophrenic and nothing got better until I detached and kept things very superficial. Now that my mother knows she can't manipulate and abuse, she doesn't try. It took me a very long time to realize I was in control. |
Anonymous
|
Anonymous
This is the hallmark of a DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. They put the burden on the person WILLING TO ADDRESS THE DSYFUNCTION, because they do not want to, do not know how, are afraid to deal with the real issue/person that is truly F***** UP! And if the anxiety is the OP'S issue, the way she deals with is by DISENGAGING WITH THE CRAZY! |
Anonymous
|
Op here
Thanks pp and everyone for the support, I read the comment about the "hallmark of a dysfunctional family" at the end of a long day and it really resonated with me. Dad came over last night and I got an earful about how wrong my actions were. My favorite comment was about how my youngest sister would not "have me" after he and his wife died as a result of this decision of mine. They are 60 in good health. Not sure how he arrived at that conclusion. The rest of the night he talked about how he might be divorced by the fall (whats new?) and some of the emotional ramifications of that. Also shared how they are committed to the new therapist and that stepmom is trying harder than she's ever tried before (I wasn't aware she'd tried before). However she continues to deny any mental afflictions. Also got a yelling phone call from my aunt about how she was "shocked" at my actions and some follow up ideas about how the burden is on the child to visit the parents. So not only can I not cut stepmom out of my life, but I she thinks I am required to take dh and future dc over to the house for periodic visits. Right. My baby shower is this weekend and neither sister is going or speaking to me. I feel sad but resolved that this was the right choice. I'm not sure what the future holds. However, In some ways I feel like I traded in my stepmoms s**t and now the rest of the family has taken over where she left off. I feel like I have to choose dysfunctional misery with them or severely limited contact without them. |
Anonymous
|
Choose limited contact. I live 2500 miles away. All I hear is by phone: so sorry, I have to go get the baby. Gotta run! Is my response when they get batshit.
So much better. Your whole family has a stake in keeping you attached to crazy. Break free! |
Anonymous
I'm sorry, OP, but you do have to choose. You can't control them, you can't change them. All you can do is choose how you will react. I know this is a painful choice (one that many of us have had to make) but I think you know what the right one is. If you are wavering, think about the model/message you want to provide to your DC. Is their behavior something that should be tolerated? Should you endure this kind of behavior in family but not in friends? I know this is years away for you but if her boyfriend were exhibting this behavior, would you want her to accept it just because she loves him? |
Anonymous
| You're making the right decision, OP, but you're focusing too much on the stepmother. Your father has a huge role in this. You describe him as someone who flees (the driving around on Christmas)...he's your father and he has subjected you (and your sisters too) to a toxic environment for years. He should have been protecting his children rather than fleeing in self-preservation all this time. Now he has the audacity to tell you to essentially get in line? Your father is a terrible enabler and you need to acknowledge his role in a this too rather than defining his situation as the result of having the misfortune of marrying yet another with mental issues. In some strange way it is probably a nice change for your family to focus someone else with anger and blame...it's a nice distraction. And don't think your SM isn't secretly loving this. Wow, she gets to play the victim and feel as if her family is rallying Around her. Talk about rewarding bad behavior. I'm sorry OP. stick to your guns and share a bit of your outrage with dad. |