toxic family member

[Anonymous]

So here's a situation with my family (and I will try to make it as straight forward as possible).

My father remarried when I was 10 and had another girl (his third, I am the oldest) when I was 13. Due to issues with my mother (namely her inability to handle a chronic depressive/bi-polar disorder), I chose to live with them around this time and did so through high school. I graduated, went to college, moved away, got married, now I'm pregnant and 29. My sister is a teenager in high school.

Unfortunately for my father, his second marriage/wife was also plagued with mental instabilities. The house was constant fighting between the two of them and the two of us (my stepmother and myself). After I left, there was (much) less fighting between my stepmother and myself, but the fighting remained intense between my father and my stepmother. As my (half) sister got older, the fighting picked up between my stepmother and my sister and remained awful between my stepmother and my dad. I really do not have a holiday/special occasion memory that was not completely marred by my stepmother and her antics. She's very paranoid and explodes very quickly with no regard for the situation, who's around, event etc. I stopped spending family vacations with them 3 years ago when she ruined 4th of July (our traditional "family" holiday) with yelling and fighting (somebody offered her a drink at dinner and she assumed they were calling her an alcoholic...4 hours of fighting/yelling ensued, carried over into the next day, we went home early). I stopped spending holidays with them 2 years ago when she lost her s**t on Christmas Eve (sister wanted to go in on an xmas present with me for another family member - she was going to give me $40, stepmother thought I was "stealing" from her). That Christmas Eve ended with stepmother yelling at sister through bedroom door, me and husband sitting in driveway on phone with sister who is crying, and my dad driving around the block because he just leaves when things get bad. This went on for hours. Merry Christmas!

So fast forward to now. Every time I talk to my dad or sister, they describe how "awful" stepmother is acting and some of her latest yelling/screaming/crazy antics. She's also become a born again Christian, so FYI we are all going to hell. About every 3-6 months, my father announces he is getting a divorce to all family members except for my stepmother and never follows through. Apparently they are going to therapy to fix things, but this routine procedure. Go to lots of therapists, stepmother hates all of them, one might get her on meds, stepmother's mother tells her she doesn't need them, back to square 1.

When I found out I was pregnant, I invited them over to dinner. Stepmother didn't come because she was mad that she had not been invited to my friends birthday lunch the previous week (completely irrational - she hadn't seen said friend in years). And in the 27 weeks that I have been pregnant has not sent so much as a Congratulations text message.

My husband and I have had enough. Enough with the drama, fighting, anxiety, ruining of events and we are done. We do not want stepmother to be a part of our lives until her behavior changes and she no longer chronically abuses those close to her.

Well this has gone over like a ton of bricks. Dad is mad because he swears this is the "wrong choice" and the "cure is worse than the problem." Sister thinks i have abandoned her (or something?) and refuses to speak to me, except to periodically yell at me via text message incoherently. Middle sister (who is normally AWOL from all family events) has unnecessarily picked up a sword in this fight and also doesn't respect my decision. Meanwhile, my dad only has his 90 year old mom to talk to and so she's in a chronic state of worry because she's getting the daily download of what "i've done" to the family. As a result, neither sister is attending my baby shower (because I didn't invite stepmother).

My husband had the privilege of growing up in a house where yelling and verbal abuse didn't run rampant. We want to give that to our child. We want to celebrate events as a family without the anxiety of someone exploding like a Real Housewives Episode. We want peaceful Christmases and vacations and birthday parties. Selfishly I want to give myself the chance at the family life I never had, but I also want to make sure that this never becomes my child's or my husband's reality either. We have a strong marriage and a peaceful home.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Spend time on on one with your sisters, ESP the little one. She needs to have a positive older female in her life. Invite her over for lunch.

[Anonymous]

OP here - my sisters are refusing to see me. Little one says she cannot have a relationship with someone who "hurts her mom" (which I am doing by excluding stepmom from my life). I would love to see them.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, OP. That is miserable.

As I see it you have two choices - let the edict stand and let everyone simmer down (and they will simmer down and will fawn all over you baby in 13 weeks when DC is born) but you will have to put up with misery in the interim.

The other choice is to dial is back a bit, but just until DC is born. Have a family lunch and include SM, etc. BUT once the kid is born, and she steps a TOE out of line, tell her to back the F away.

I might go with #2, only because it will make the next 3 months easier. Once you have the kid you will hold all the cards and can do as you please. They will fall in line then, I am sure.

[Anonymous]

Cut out toxic people like you would cancer. You and your child have the right to live without this shit! Once this drama is over there will be another issue - you know that. You have a family of your own now to consider. Break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut out toxic people like you would cancer. You and your child have the right to live without this shit! Once this drama is over there will be another issue - you know that. You have a family of your own now to consider. Break the cycle.

PP here and check out the website - http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com

it'll help you.

[Anonymous]

Hang tough. You are making the right decision. You have the right to tell your Step-Mom that she cannot verbally abuse you or other family members in your presence.

You might want to read this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

Good luck. It will probably be like this until she dies.

[Anonymous]

Op here, thank you for all the help.

It makes me feel stronger about a decision that I know is best for our family.

I also appreciate the resources. I just called Barnes & Noble and I am picking up a copy of Walking on Eggshells at lunch. Hoping to read it tonight and give it to my dad tomorrow as he's leaving for a trip. I almost cried when i read the first review as it was describing my dad's marriage in distinct stages especially the DECISION stage.

Watching him try to decide to stay or leave for the last 5 years has been painful for all of us. Especially my sister who is too young to understand that my dad's swears of divorce are fleeting emotions.

[Anonymous]

Keep reaching out to the youngest sister, even if she reacts negatively. She is still so young and needs you in her life.

[Anonymous]

Cutting one person out of your life can mean they you lose all associated with that person. I know. I am living it. The cure has been worse than the affliction. I would suggest you severely limit your time with your stepmom. Don't get immeshed in her relationships with other family members and font triangulate by talking about her with other family members. Their relationship with her is their oncern not hours. Don't sacrifice your other relationships for this woman.

[Anonymous]

I would try to use the baby's arrival as a fresh start. Invite any and all. Never talk about one family member to another, or listen to them bitch about it.

And the second any yelling or abuse starts, just excuse yourself with the baby. Always have an exit plan, a non-confrontational one. Kindly say you are tired, or baby needs a nap. You can get away with this for at least the first year.

Feign illness, whatever, to remove yourself from any drama. Eventually it will all recalibrate around your non participation.

[Anonymous]

Your first obligations are to your child and husband. After that, comes your sister. Let your sister know how much you want to be a part of her life, but it can't involve compromising your family. Meet her on neutral ground. Hopefully, she'll agree. Your father and step-mother are going to have to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Another vote to hang tough. Keep busy cultivating your positive relationships. Tell the little sister that you are always available for her if she ever wants to reach out. But don't give up your healthy boundaries in order to have access to her. It's a good thing for her to see your healthy boundaries even if she doesn't understand it right now.

Signed,
BTDT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another vote to hang tough. Keep busy cultivating your positive relationships. Tell the little sister that you are always available for her if she ever wants to reach out. But don't give up your healthy boundaries in order to have access to her. It's a good thing for her to see your healthy boundaries even if she doesn't understand it right now.

Signed,
BTDT

I so agree with this good advice. Take from someone else who's BTDT, you don't accomplish anything constructive by compromising healthy boundaries with certain relatives to accommodate relationships with other relatives. Right now, anyway, you need to take care of you and your baby by minimizing stress.

[Anonymous]

Have you said explicitly that you would see her if she could document she was regularly seeing a psychiatrist? Put it as an "I love you all. I simply cannot expose myself to SM's horrible behavior any longer. I will be happy to spend time with her when she seeks treatment."

To your dad: For crying out loud, he has threatened to divorce her himself. Why can't you choose not spend time with her?

To your younger sister: This is not abandoning her, and you're willing to be there for her and listen to her talk about the challenges. She probably hates and envies you at the same time.