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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here,
Thank you again for the helpful advice.  I'm getting a sense that most of you think the "rarely see her" plan is better than the "flat out refuse to see her" plan.  Is that correct?  Because as it stands right now, I've told family I will not see her/go to her house etc until her behavior changes.  However after 15+ years of this, there's probably zero chance of that so my concession means little.

A big issue is the anxiety I feel when I'm around her...[b]always waiting for the other shoe to drop, when is everything going to go to hell THIS time.  She can take a fun family event and kill it with just her presence [/b]as i watch her consume half s bottle of wine and get more argumentative.  Inching closer to the inevitable blow up (wine is sometimes the catalyst but not always - definiely doesnt help).  Many in my family say that this anxiety I feel is my problem, my fault, my issue to deal with and should not be a part of my decision to not see her.    I need to "lighten up" and not "take her so seriously".  Any thoughts on this?

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I can’t tell you how much the bolded part resonates with me.  My father had NPD and he ruined so many holidays growing up that even 27 years after his death, I still have an ingrained sense of dread around all holidays and my birthday.  It’s gotten better since I’ve had kids but I still always expect the day to be ruined.  It totally sucks.  I can imagine how bad it would be if he were still alive as your SM is.

What I hear in your posts is that your family, like mine was for so long, is accustomed to doing whatever it takes to appease your SM.  After all these years, you’ve decided not to go along anymore.  It DOES make things difficult for them because now your SM has another way to torture them.  But, that’s their problem not yours.  You should not have to walk on eggshells around anyone.  If this woman wasn’t married to your father, would any of you tolerate this behavior?  I doubt it very much.  It’s going to be very difficult for you to break this pattern and you’re going to come under a lot of pressure from your family.  Resist.  Remain calm and unemotional.  As the PP noted, set clearly defined boundaries and stick to them.  If your SM chooses not to respect them, then that’s her choice.  It’s all on her.
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