Become a step-parent or end the relationship

[Anonymous]

13:43 My child has friends with stepmothers like OP, and it's not pretty.

[Anonymous]

If you really love him, don't end the relationship. You can make the step parenting thing work if you want. There are some GREAT books out there on how to be a stepparent.

I'm a stepparent to three kids, all teens now. I don't I therefore with their relationship with their dad at all. I let him do all the disciplining unless I'm the only one present. But my type of discipline is much more about teaching then punishing, so we don't have much conflict anyway.

Where his parenting style might really cause problems is if you gave a child together and can't get on the same page. I've had some trouble there, but we are working through it.

If you really want to make these relationships work, you can! But it takes a lot of patience and effort. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Sorry for typos! iPhone!

[Anonymous]

Whether the child is yours or a step child, undermining your co-parent's authority is going to cause a lot of conflict.

I'd talk this over with your fiance more. If you do break it off with him, it's important not to make the girl feel like it was her fault (that'd mostly be on him to achieve, but just something to keep in mind).

[Anonymous]

Run. You have already lost respect for the man based on how he parents. There are at least 5 more years of taking acre of this child, then college, then forever. How much respect will be left by the end of that time.

[Anonymous]

This girl is THIRTEEN. Do you remember what it was like to be thirteen? It's an emotional rollercoaster. Reading this thread has made me so thankful I have a loving, supportive, and patient stepmother. She put up with my moody tantrums as a 13 year old. It's hard for a young girl to see her father marry a new woman regardless of age. You have no idea what's going on inside her head or what she's struggling with.

My stepmom made concious effort to be a good parent to my sister and I. She tutored me, payed for my first semester of college, picked me up from friends houses, drove me to afterschool activities. Best of all, she supported my Dad despite through his disability and losing work. I love her just as I do my Mom or Dad. She is my third parent.

I hope your fiancee can move on and find a woman who is supportive, kind, and understanding to both him and his daughter. It's better off for all of you if you choose to move on. Either buck up and make a serious effort to be a good stepmother or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - I am clearly in the minority here, but I agreed with you reprimanding the child. And if my children go to their father's house and did that, I would not be opposed to his wife/wife-to-be correcting them. And, yes, I am the mom on the playground who will tell other people's kids when their behavior is not nice! Not in a mean mommy way, but in a gentle reminder tone.

I think that you and your future husband should agree on these parenting matters. No, it's not your child, but it will be your home and the two of you absolutely must be on the same page. Every child (IMO) needs boundaries and she doesn't get to disrespect her dad because "it's worked fine for them".

+1, in every respect. If your fiance thinks you should have no say in what goes on in your own home, that's kind of crazy. He shouldn't marry you (and you shouldn't marry him, IMO) if you don't agree on parenting styles, because you are going to be a step-parent to his existing daughter and you both will have to parent any kids you have together.

Get some counseling and see if you can come to some agreement/compromise. If you can't come to an agreement, to stay in this relationship I think you'll need to a. step back for the next 5 years or however long the daughter visits regularly, and b. decide whether or not you want to have children with him under such circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - I am clearly in the minority here, but I agreed with you reprimanding the child. And if my children go to their father's house and did that, I would not be opposed to his wife/wife-to-be correcting them. And, yes, I am the mom on the playground who will tell other people's kids when their behavior is not nice! Not in a mean mommy way, but in a gentle reminder tone.

I think that you and your future husband should agree on these parenting matters. No, it's not your child, but it will be your home and the two of you absolutely must be on the same page. Every child (IMO) needs boundaries and she doesn't get to disrespect her dad because "it's worked fine for them".

+ another one

Both DH and I come from a culture where children are routinely disciplined by any and all adults in their lives. There's no magic rule that says that only the biological mother and father may discipline, and certainly, when you join the family you are responsible to help that child grow up to be a responsible adult. What is with this American obsession with the nuclear family? Do you people also expect that the grandparents can't discipline? I'm not talking about hitting, but seriously.

And yes, children can be particularly trying at 13, but it does sound like there are deeper issues here. She's getting bad grades and no one seems to be paying attention. This is a very real and long-term problem. The OP is not some cruel and terrible stepmother because she is concerned about this.

OP, if you can't find some way to come to terms with your fiance on this I would encourage you to move on from this relationship. Who knows what he will do when it comes time to be a father to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but what OP describes is between her boyfriend and his daughter. She was disrespectful to him, sure, but why did she have to get the mail in the snow? Why can't he get his own mail? Or wait until it stops snowing? It's a strange example that makes me wonder if he's hard on her. We don't know anything about the father-daughter dynamic. What she did, throwing the mail on the table and slamming her door doesn't rise to the level of a girlfriend getting involved.

[Anonymous]

In my view, the issue isn't whether the daughter was acting appropriately or inappropriately. If the boyfriend expects OP to have no part at all in raising a child that will be living in their house, it isn't going to work. On the other hand, if OP is going to insist on criticizing and intervening in every interaction between the father and daughter, that isn't going to work either. You guys need to either agree on a happy medium, or move on from one another.

[Anonymous]

Do not get married. you will live in a house where you have no say and you will just get more and more resentful. They have all admitted she is very spoiled and you will be living with a spoiled child who is just getting into the teen years...it will get worse.

This is not a man you would want to have kids with. He lets his child treat himselves, herself, the home and others in it disrespectfully, he gives her whatever she wants out of guilt, he doesn't give her any responsibilities, he goes back on his word, he rewards bad behavior. In the long run he is really doing his daughter a disservice but it isn't your place to say that. Where your role comes in is to choose to leave. He is showing you how he will be as a parent, get out now.

[Anonymous]

In my view, the issue isn't whether the daughter was acting appropriately or inappropriately. If the boyfriend expects OP to have no part at all in raising a child that will be living in their house, it isn't going to work. On the other hand, if OP is going to insist on criticizing and intervening in every interaction between the father and daughter, that isn't going to work either. You guys need to either agree on a happy medium, or move on from one another.

I agree with this. I certainly feel that DH is pretty lax about a lot of things concerning his child and his mode of parenting, but it is not my place to intervene or take over. When I have a concern about his parenting, or feel that there could be a better way of handling things, I speak to DH about it in private and ask him to make the first step in that direction or support me doing so (like, doing chores). He often agrees with me but if he doesn't, i don't pursue it or frankly, expend a huge amount of emotional energy on it. my relationship with DSC is respectful, in part because I don't have a dog in this fight. My primary concern is for family harmony. That means a good relationship first and foremost between DSC and DH, and DSC feeling supported in both homes.

Being a steparent is really challenging at times, and not everyone is cut out for it. It canbe very unrewarding, so if you're looking for a pat on the back you will not get it, and if you're looking for automatic respect and love from DSC, you'll also not get it. You have to work at it and also accept that the relationship has its own contours and limitations. If it is not for you, there is no shame in it, but do not drag out the relationship or blame the child or your boyfriend. Just accept that its not the right fit. In my case, my mantra is that DSC has a mom, I do not need to be DSC's mom, I need to be a supportive presence, encouraging good interaction and positive behavior, but I choose not to take on the primary disciplinary role. This does not mean I do not ask DCS to clean up their room, etc, but the big stuff has to come from DH and from mom, not me.

[Anonymous]

Geez, I didn't get an 'evil stepmother' vibe from OP at all. Honestly, the daughter sounds like a spoiled brat. If you are having problems now and the s.o. isn't doing anything to help make things work in the middle (oh I don't know, like maybe NOT being a doormat parent??), then it'll be worse when you get married.

[Anonymous]

Run, run, run... do not get married.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am with you completely, having been in the same situation except that in my case I was dealing with the children of my DW from her first marriage.

These grown children - late teens to early twenties - would yell and scream at their mother and I did nothing for a while because I felt it was for them to work out. I would urge DW to take a stronger stand and not allow them to verbally abuse her but she is a gentle person and could not bring herself to do so. She does not like confrontation with anyone. But the situation became untenable and one day I intervened aggressively with her son and another occasion with her daughter and told them never to talk rudely and yell at their mother again. Much of their anger emanated from their mother having left their father to make a life with me.

It took years to undo the effect of that intervention and they resented me to a point that they would not have anything to do with me. But time and, perhaps, maturity takes care of things - at least it did in my case. Both children apologized to me years later for their conduct and we have a relatively normalized relationship today. They occasionally seek my advice on things and I leave it to them to work out their differences with their mother when such occurs but they do it respectfully.

But it put a terrible strain on my relationship with DW and her children and between her children and DW because she did not intervene when I told them off.

Where I am with some of the other PPs' is that if your SO is not willing to take the bull by the horns and deal with the situation with his daughter, you will have years of angst ahead of you and things will get worse before it gets better - if it ever gets better. This demarcation that some talk about how you should deal with your SO's DD because she is not biologically yours is absurd. Yes, you are not their mother but that does not mean they get a pass for egregious behavior. But I will say that it is for your SO to take the lead and if he does not, down the line his daughter will behave badly with you as well.

I really empathize with you and am not going to say whether you should move on or not but if you choose to stay unless your SO deals takes the lead and deals with the situation firmly, this will affect your relationship with your SO.