Reply to Become a step-parent or end the relationship

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I am with you completely, having been in the same situation except that in my case I was dealing with the children of my DW from her first marriage.

These grown children - late teens to early twenties - would yell and scream at their mother and I did nothing for a while because I felt it was for them to work out. I would urge DW to take a stronger stand and not allow them to verbally abuse her but she is a gentle person and could not bring herself to do so. She does not like confrontation with anyone. But the situation became untenable and one day I intervened aggressively with her son and another occasion with her daughter and told them never to talk rudely and yell at their mother again. Much of their anger emanated from their mother having left their father to make a life with me.

It took years to undo the effect of that intervention and they resented me to a point that they would not have anything to do with me. But time and, perhaps, maturity takes care of things - at least it did in my case. Both children apologized to me years later for their conduct and we have a relatively normalized relationship today. They occasionally seek my advice on things and I leave it to them to work out their differences with their mother when such occurs but they do it respectfully.

But it put a terrible strain on my relationship with DW and her children and between her children and DW because she did not intervene when I told them off.

Where I am with some of the other PPs' is that if your SO is not willing to take the bull by the horns and deal with the situation with his daughter, you will have years of angst ahead of you and things will get worse before it gets better - if it ever gets better. This demarcation that some talk about how you should deal with your SO's DD because she is not biologically yours is absurd. Yes, you are not their mother but that does not mean they get a pass for egregious behavior. But I will say that it is for your SO to take the lead and if he does not, down the line his daughter will behave badly with you as well.

I really empathize with you and am not going to say whether you should move on or not but if you choose to stay unless your SO deals takes the lead and deals with the situation firmly, this will affect your relationship with your SO.[/quote]

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