Become a step-parent or end the relationship

[Anonymous]

I'm engaged to someone with a 13 year old daughter. He has been divorced from her mom since she was 2 (separated before birth) and had custody of her during the early years. He's also in the armed forces and moved around a lot but she's always spent holidays and school breaks with him. We've dated for 2 years before getting engaged and are ready to set a date for a wedding late next year.

I'm noticing certain behaviors and I'm not sure how parenting will work out after marriage. In my opinion he lets her get away with a lot of things and doesn't discipline but rather buys her stuff. She is rarely required to clean her room, if she doesn't like what I make for dinner he fixes her something else, he buys her whatever she wants, he'll say that he's disciplining her for bad grades for example then totally reneges. once she even said to him that he needs to stop complaining since she and he both know she’ll get what she wants in the end anyway.

He says that he feels guilty for not being there 100% of the time AND he has limited time with her so he wants their time together to be fun rather than spent punishing her. I think she acts very disrespectful and doesn't see consequences for her actions. When I’ve spoken up in the past he’s turned it around on me. For example, he asked her to get the mail from the mailbox when it was snowing. She got upset, threw it on the table then went up to her room and slammed the door. I asked her to come back down and, in front of him, told her that she was being disrespectful to him and I didn’t want her doing that in my presence. Later on he told me that he felt like I was scolding them both WTF?????

I need to make a decision as to how much I can truly tolerate or accept. Or is it time to walk away.

Sorry for the long post but if you have experienced this. How do/did you deal? Do you say anything? Keep quiet? Attempt to discipline? Or just cut your losses in the love department?

[Anonymous]

You are SO not ready to be a stepmother to this child. Please don't.

[Anonymous]

You totally crossed the line with scolding her. That's his kid, and like it or not, you don't get to respond when she treats her father like shit.

Time to move on. This isn't going to work.

Sorry. The pain you feel over this break-up will be short-lived in comparison to the pain if you try to make this work.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. This girl and her Dad have a successful relationship. You sound like a typical evil stepmother. She doesn't clean up her room, her Dad fixes what she wants to eat, buys stuff for her. What's the problem? Aren't you happy to see this great relationship between father and daughter? You sound immature and bitter. Stay away!

[Anonymous]

OP,

Are you two living together? Parenting a teen is hard enough when they are not coming and going because of the custody arrangement. The best stepmothers hold back and let the parent and child/children figure it out. If it happens in front of you, stay out. If something happens to you, discuss it with Dad.

It sounds like you know the answer to your question. In my mind, it's time to end the relationship. The alternative is to give it another year, with no wedding date, a period during which you could tryo to develop empathy and make the situation about them, their feelings, their dynamic, and not your ideas of what you think it should be.

[Anonymous]

Op here - thanks for the responses.

I think I was just raised differently and I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing or not. I was expected to eat what was in front of me or not eat dinner at all. Period. If my grades weren't As or Bs I was punished. She gets Cs, Ds, and Fs but has no tutor and no consequences.

Either way - you're right. I'm going to be unhappy in this marriage. And if I try to change anything I will make them unhappy. Their system works for them, and has worked before I came along. So it seems like the best thing I can do is walk away.

I don't want to be an evil stepmother and I do think that she's a sweet girl but I also don't want to cringe every time I see her treat him badly and to be honest, when I see that he allows it – it causes me to lose respect for him as a parent. So the best all-around if for me to leave now.

[Anonymous]

If you and your fiance can't discuss and work together to decide how you want your family life to be, which includes how to manage current and future children, then you shouldn't marry.

[Anonymous]

Run like the wind!

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like you've made your decision.

But if you do decide to give this a little more time before you make the break, a few pieces of advice.

First, I would advise you to be mindful of this girl's age. Thirteen is, for many of us, not the easiest or most admirable phase of life. I don't know about you, but I was (from what they tell me) just lovely to be around as a younger child and as an older teen, but that was definitely NOT the case when I was this young woman's age. So, a little bit of extra forgiveness and understanding can really help with keeping your patience during those inevitable trying moments. Remember, as an early teen, she is developmentally right on target to roll her eyes and dish out attitude, especially given the hormones coursing through her body. It's a tough time for kids.

Also, this kid already has two parents. Unless and until you forge a strong positive relationship with this girl (which can take years), I would be careful not to overstep your bounds in trying to enforce discipline, particularly if at this point you're only seeing her on a limited basis. If she lived with you, it would be a different story. My approach has been to try to build a relationship in which she sees me as simply a caring female adult in her life, not as a substitute mom.

If you do decide to try this, I think you and your fiance need to sit down and have a calm, matter-of-fact talk about how to make your relationship with his daughter as positive as possible. But this will only work if you are willing and able to be open to revising your opinion of this girl and to finding the positives in her (I note that you did not mention one single good thing about her in your post, which is telling). If you have basically already decided that the kid is evil -- then this is doomed.

I wish all of you a smooth transition, whatever form that may take.

signed, stepmom to a 13-year-old girl

[Anonymous]

You and your fiancé should be in premarital counseling , and he should take some parenting classes if you're even going to consider staying. He's not doing his daughter any favors by letting her behave like that.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you should end it. The father's first priority should be his daughter. From what you have described, it sounds like you will be fighting a lot about his daughter's upbringing which you should have no say in. You are not her mother. That's the reality.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't be totally put off by the way that your fiance interacts with his daughter. I think you overstepped your bounds in attempting to discipline her, but I think that it's also the truth that if you are considering having children with this man, you will need to have conversations about resolving your different parenting styles.

While I am not sympathetic to parents who are not around a lot trying to buy their kids' love and allowing behaviors that would otherwise be prohibited just to keep the peace, I agree that this age is particularly difficult (at least I was particularly difficult at this age) and since he's been parenting her for a lot longer than you've been around, probably you should give him a break about it.

That said, you sound pretty threatened by your fiance's relationship with his daughter, and that's a bad dynamic. Why did you accept his proposal if you felt this way?

[Anonymous]

That is right out of the evil stepmother playbook to punish the child for being "disrespectful" of the bio parent. If you cannot approach this more lovingly and maturely, leave.

[Anonymous]

Op - I am clearly in the minority here, but I agreed with you reprimanding the child. And if my children go to their father's house and did that, I would not be opposed to his wife/wife-to-be correcting them. And, yes, I am the mom on the playground who will tell other people's kids when their behavior is not nice! Not in a mean mommy way, but in a gentle reminder tone.

I think that you and your future husband should agree on these parenting matters. No, it's not your child, but it will be your home and the two of you absolutely must be on the same page. Every child (IMO) needs boundaries and she doesn't get to disrespect her dad because "it's worked fine for them".

[Anonymous]

Back off. Let them have their relationship the way they want. Try to be more of an aunt/friend rather than authority figure.