Anyone else get a guilt trip from their parents for not living in their "home" city?

[Anonymous]

OP here. My parents are not financially in a position to either move to DC or supplement our income in Richmond. THAT'd be nice. In fact, just the gas money to come and the time off work to visit for more than a weekend is difficult for them.

[Anonymous]

My family is in different country. Dh's in California. Life happens. Guilt would be weird. A couple hours= I wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grew up in Richmond, met my yankee husband in college (in VA) and we settled in NoVa. We've been here going on 6 six years and my eldest child is 4.5. My mom (whom I love and am close to) STILL makes comments about how much she misses her grandchildren, CANNOT believe that neither of her children (or grandchildren) live in Richmond, and doesn't know "how I do it" without family around. Despite the fact that I do miss them, do wish they were around more, and would like to live in Richmond, its just not very likely to happen. I otherwise like where we live - we have a nice home, good commutes, and are not stressed financially. My husband especially would take a MAJOR pay cut to work in Richmond. And he's not from their so he's just not drawn to it anyway. Although, if I threw a giant fit he would move back there, but I don't even know if I would like it. Haven't lived there full-time since I left for college.

I get that parents want their kids/grandkids around them, but harping about it is not going to change it, right?

Response: "It's comments/conversations like this that make it an easy decision to stay in NoVa."

or:

"I agree, it's tough with no family around. When are you movign to NoVa?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Richmond is a 90 minute drive. You need to tell her to get over it.

Seriously. Try living 500 or 1000 miles from home. Your mom sounds controlling and needy, no offense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. From where we are in NoVa to where she is in Richmond, its more like 2h15m in "perfect" traffic and in bad traffic (like when we go down this Saturday) it will probably take us 4 hours.

4 hours? That's ridiculous. Change the time you leave, at a minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Richmond is a 90 minute drive. You need to tell her to get over it.

Seriously. Try living 500 or 1000 miles from home. Your mom sounds controlling and needy, no offense.

+1 My parents, and inlaws, would do 70-yo cartwheels of joy if we were 90 minutes away from them. My tolerance for the kind of passive-aggressive bullshit your mother is dishing out would not last more than two of these comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not unsympathetic to my mom. I too would like it if she could easily attend the preschool Christmas pagent or pop over for dinner on a weeknight. This is how it was for her/her mother. Sounds like heaven to me. I guess that's why it bothers me - because part of me wants what she wants too and it just makes me feel like crap when she makes a comment. In Richmond in particular, its more common for adult children to move back - and less common for them to move away. So most of her friends have their kids/grandkids around.

Sometimes I wonder if we are placing too much importance on DH's salary/growth potential and not enough emphasis on family?

No. Good lord. Is she retired? If so, what the hell is stopping her from coming to the preschool Christmas pageant? If my parents/in-laws lived 90 minutes away, they would make arrangements to come, no problem. And what is stopping her from popping over for dinner on a weekend, or you from going there? Does she need to be like Mama Barone and live across the street so she can come by every single day?

Honey, you are an adult. Stop accepting this guilt and focus on what's best for your nuclear family. If DH's career growth and salary potential are important to you, they're important to you. It's a matter of your family long-term financial security. Are you going to sacrifice that to appease your overbearing mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. From where we are in NoVa to where she is in Richmond, its more like 2h15m in "perfect" traffic and in bad traffic (like when we go down this Saturday) it will probably take us 4 hours.

Okay, fine, 2 or 4 hours. Try 10 or 12 sometime and then get back to us.

[Anonymous]

I would love for my family to be closer. THEY were the ones who decided to move to the place they now hate. They are working on moving, though, to be slightly closer. If I could get them as close as Richmond, I would be thrilled. We shall see.

And my husband's family? Yeah, we have to get on a plane to see them. It cost us $1500 just in tickets for 3 people to get there, and then we have to stuff into a 3 BR house with 8 people.

We had tried to figure out a compromise a couple years ago to all move to my husband's home state, but he was not able to find a job that would make him happy. His mom still keeps asking when we are moving there. Um, yeah - we bought a house here, I'd say the chances are pretty damn slim at this point.

I'll be happy if we could get my parents within a drive where a day trip is actually feasible (and weekends entirely doable). That is hopefully within the year. My ILs are NEVER leaving their home state and it will always be maybe a 2 week a year relationship.

[Anonymous]

My mom does this all the time, OP. They live in CT, and my sister, Bro and law, and their kids live in the same town.

I think what it is is, they feel guilty that they can't spend as much time with us as they'd like, especially relative to my sister's family. Also, it's a hardship for them to come down here now they they are getting older. Also, they moved here originally when we were growing up, so it's sort of their fault that I'm even here!

I don't think my mom even realizes what a guilt trip it sounds like when they make you feel bad for not visiting more often or not visiting. It's very common to be in different states from your family of origin, we're still very close, talk on the phone all the time, etc. Neither of us is moving any time soon so we just have to deal.

I have pointed out to them that they are retired, don't have to wait for weekends or vacations to come down here, etc. but it's funny how they don't want to give up their lives all that often but would expect me to come up whenever.

I'll one-up you on annoying: my parents have a cat that gives my son such bad allergies that he couldn't breath the last time we stayed overnight with them, so we stay in a hotel when we go up there now. We only go up 2-3 times a year, but if they really wanted to see more of us, they'd get rid of the cat! The cat is also the reason my dad doesn't want to be away from home all that often, because he's concerned about how it is being treated while he's away.

There is just no pleasing some people. Do what works for your family and try to be considerate, but it's not your responsibility to placate them anymore.

[Anonymous]

I am not sympathetic, sorry. I live across the country from my parents and my inlaws. Richmond is not THAT far. 15:37 has good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are not financially in a position to either move to DC or supplement our income in Richmond. THAT'd be nice. In fact, just the gas money to come and the time off work to visit for more than a weekend is difficult for them.

Why do they have to stay the whole weekend? If you drove down there one weekend day a month and they drove up here once a month, you'd all see each other 24 times a year. Just drive down in the morning, hang out during the day, stay for an early dinner and come home. Or stay the night and leave the next morning. Those of us with family really far away would be delighted to have such an opportunity.

[Anonymous]

I am sad that my mom moved to Bmore. I was used to her living 10-15 mins away.lol

Tell her to move up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sad that my mom moved to Bmore. I was used to her living 10-15 mins away.lol

Tell her to move up!

Disregard, just saw your last response. Could you Skype with her?

[Anonymous]

Same situation as you OP and I hear complaints about not seeing the grandkid on every phone call. My two sisters live within 15 minutes of mom's house and I am within 90. That's still not good enough. In addition, our lives are such that even if geographically we were closer it's not like I wouldn't have a busy life/household to run (and she is not in a position to help due to health issues). I remind her I could live across the country but that doesn't do any good.