Anyone else get a guilt trip from their parents for not living in their "home" city?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Grew up in Richmond, met my yankee husband in college (in VA) and we settled in NoVa. We've been here going on 6 six years and my eldest child is 4.5. My mom (whom I love and am close to) STILL makes comments about how much she misses her grandchildren, CANNOT believe that neither of her children (or grandchildren) live in Richmond, and doesn't know "how I do it" without family around. Despite the fact that I do miss them, do wish they were around more, and would like to live in Richmond, its just not very likely to happen. I otherwise like where we live - we have a nice home, good commutes, and are not stressed financially. My husband especially would take a MAJOR pay cut to work in Richmond. And he's not from their so he's just not drawn to it anyway. Although, if I threw a giant fit he would move back there, but I don't even know if I would like it. Haven't lived there full-time since I left for college.
I get that parents want their kids/grandkids around them, but harping about it is not going to change it, right? |
Anonymous
|
Why can't you just say that to her: "Mom, harping on this topic is not going to change it. We love you and we want to spend as much time with you as we can, and we want you to be close to your grandchildren, but we are not going to move to Richmond. In this day and age, lots of families live apart from each other, and still manage to stay close. And the great thing is, we're really not that far away from each other."
Be firm and direct. |
Anonymous
| Richmond is a 90 minute drive. You need to tell her to get over it. |
Anonymous
| We live in a different town in NoVa than my in-laws, and you'd think we were in another hemisphere. There is no satisfying some people. |
Anonymous
|
I agree with 15:37. You love her and want a good relationship, but it's not likely that you're ever going to move to Richmond and it's really past time for her to accept it.
And, sheesh, she complains when you're only in DC to her Richmond? She has no idea. |
Anonymous
| Richmond is so close! My parents live on the West Coast, and make these same comments, and I only see them once a year. I did not grow up on the West Coast, but my parents retired there a few years ago, so moving so far away was their choice, yet they still guilt trip me into why I don't just pack up and move there. They don't seem to understand that DH has a good job that he wouldn't be able to find there, etc. It is annoying but you just have to be firm. I tell my parents that since they're retired and every day is a vacation day, yet DH and I only get 10 days of vacation a year, they should come and see us more often. That doesn't seem to change things though. |
Anonymous
| Wow, Richmond is not very far. Sounds like your mom has issues. |
Anonymous
|
OP here. I am not unsympathetic to my mom. I too would like it if she could easily attend the preschool Christmas pagent or pop over for dinner on a weeknight. This is how it was for her/her mother. Sounds like heaven to me. I guess that's why it bothers me - because part of me wants what she wants too and it just makes me feel like crap when she makes a comment. In Richmond in particular, its more common for adult children to move back - and less common for them to move away. So most of her friends have their kids/grandkids around.
Sometimes I wonder if we are placing too much importance on DH's salary/growth potential and not enough emphasis on family? |
Anonymous
I second this. When I saw this post, I was thinking of a situation where the parents live at least 4 or so hours from DC. I really feel for those whose parents are on the West Coast. |
Anonymous
| OP again. From where we are in NoVa to where she is in Richmond, its more like 2h15m in "perfect" traffic and in bad traffic (like when we go down this Saturday) it will probably take us 4 hours. |
Anonymous
That's what I was thinking! My parents live on the west coast. My husband is in the military and I've known 20 year olds with 2 small children whose parents live in different COUNTRIES (young military family living in Okinawa or Germany, etc.) |
Anonymous
|
My in-laws had both sets of parents move in them while they raised their kids and both had demanding jobs. They were immigrants, but now they are so entrenched in their busy lives/community, job, that I don't think they could move to be closer to us. I would love if they did. It is hard without family help.
I hear what you are saying about family vs. career. It would be one thing if your DH would be interested in moving to Richmond, but it doesn't sound like he is. But, what's stopping your parents from moving to DC? Or, is that a non-starter? |
Anonymous
If it's that important to your mom--maybe she can financially supplement the difference in salary, until your husbands retirement? Honestly, if my mom was like that I'd have a hard time not telling her off. |
Anonymous
We get the guilt type when we're 25 minutes around the beltway that we are " so far away"... but they visit the siblings living on the west coast more frequently than visit us in the same metropolitan area. Grrrrr.... 
|
Anonymous
| I live 40 minutes from my family and they guilt me all the time, "We'd like to see you, but don't worry about coming up, it's a long drive for such a short time." They know I happily drive 2 hours every other week to visit the other family that moved away. |