Anyone else get a guilt trip from their parents for not living in their "home" city?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Richmond is a 90 minute drive. You need to tell her to get over it.

+1

Seriously; there's an ocean between me and my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live in a different town in NoVa than my in-laws, and you'd think we were in another hemisphere. There is no satisfying some people.

I know this is an old thread, but I just wanted to comment that I take comfort in knowing I'm not the only once in basically the same situation!

[Anonymous]

Why aren't two retired people moving to NOVA to be near their grandchildren? My parents moved here. Life is short and people don't get many grandchildren anymore. (1-3 is average).

[Anonymous]

My husband gets it from his parents. Not guilt, but they constantly talk about us moving back to NYC. They bought us an apartment to use there when we're visiting and have mentioned how easy it would be for us to move there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Richmond is a 90 minute drive. You need to tell her to get over it.

+1 My parents are in California and while we love to see each other they don't harp on us about being far away. Probably helps that they also moved cross-country when I was little (from New York to CA).

My ILs are in Southern VA and don't complain about our being far away but do pretty much act as if we don't exist since they can't seen to figure out how to have a relationship with someone who doesn't live in the same town.

[Anonymous]

We live 45 min from my hometown (where my parents are) and I still get grief from my mom that we don't live closer. I ignore it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not unsympathetic to my mom. I too would like it if she could easily attend the preschool Christmas pagent or pop over for dinner on a weeknight. This is how it was for her/her mother. Sounds like heaven to me. I guess that's why it bothers me - because part of me wants what she wants too and it just makes me feel like crap when she makes a comment. In Richmond in particular, its more common for adult children to move back - and less common for them to move away. So most of her friends have their kids/grandkids around.

Sometimes I wonder if we are placing too much importance on DH's salary/growth potential and not enough emphasis on family?

She sounds manipulative. Don't pass this on to your own children. Do you really think it's fair to expect your child to never leave the nest?

[Anonymous]

This is not the way to love.

My guess is your parents control in other areas by guilt or manipulation.

This is usually a lower socioeconomic view. From the day of keeping children on the farm despite economic opportunities elsewhere.

Everyone likes to be missed. And it's nice to have it expressed. What you're experiencing is common, but is selfish on their part. Don't perpetuate it - which may happen if your children sense you are conflicted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love for my family to be closer. THEY were the ones who decided to move to the place they now hate. They are working on moving, though, to be slightly closer. If I could get them as close as Richmond, I would be thrilled. We shall see.

And my husband's family? Yeah, we have to get on a plane to see them. It cost us $1500 just in tickets for 3 people to get there, and then we have to stuff into a 3 BR house with 8 people.

We had tried to figure out a compromise a couple years ago to all move to my husband's home state, but he was not able to find a job that would make him happy. His mom still keeps asking when we are moving there. Um, yeah - we bought a house here, I'd say the chances are pretty damn slim at this point.

I'll be happy if we could get my parents within a drive where a day trip is actually feasible (and weekends entirely doable). That is hopefully within the year. My ILs are NEVER leaving their home state and it will always be maybe a 2 week a year relationship.

Ok, I didn't realize until I read this (my own response from over 2 years ago) that this was an old thread.

My parents actually did move to just south of Richmond last year. We still don't see them as often as we'd like, but they come up every few weeks. And yes, they drive up for a day or an evening for stuff like recitals.

[Anonymous]

Richmond is a lower socioeconomic area than DMV.
It's going to be more common. It just is.

Some adults settle in their hometown for good reasons.
Parents guilting is not good.

[Anonymous]

OP, did your mom grow up in Richmond? Did she grow up in the same town as her parents?

[Anonymous]

Your mom needs to get a clue. Surely she has peers whose adult children moved elsewhere? And presumably some of them moved as far as a plane ride away rather than a nice easy day/weekend driving trip distance?

As for what to say…is there a chance she's hoping that you'll move back? Have you made it clear that that's not likely to happen and asked her point blank to stop commenting on it?

My parents are extremely gracious about the fact that we live far away from them, even though I'm sure they wish we lived closer (as do we). But this area has many advantages and it's our home. Never once do we get a guilt trip about that. Maybe it helps that we lived far from Dad's parents growing up, I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Richmond is a lower socioeconomic area than DMV.
It's going to be more common. It just is.

Some adults settle in their hometown for good reasons.
Parents guilting is not good.

What's more common? I'm lost.

My friend from HS lives in the nicer western suburban part of Richmond. She married into an older money family. It isn't all lower ses.

[Anonymous]

Yep. My mom is resentful that my dad(they are divorced) "sent" me to college in DC and I stayed. So it's harder for her to see her grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

I get the guilt from my WI family every solitary time I go back to visit. "When do you think you'll move home?" "Now that you have kids, do you think you'll move home?" I've been in DC for 12 years. My first kid (and upcoming for that matter) was born in DC. DC is home. Alas, I'll hear it again next time I visit.