Anyone else get a guilt trip from their parents for not living in their "home" city?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not unsympathetic to my mom. I too would like it if she could easily attend the preschool Christmas pagent or pop over for dinner on a weeknight. This is how it was for her/her mother. Sounds like heaven to me. I guess that's why it bothers me - because part of me wants what she wants too and it just makes me feel like crap when she makes a comment. In Richmond in particular, its more common for adult children to move back - and less common for them to move away. So most of her friends have their kids/grandkids around.

Sometimes I wonder if we are placing too much importance on DH's salary/growth potential and not enough emphasis on family?

My hometown is a 5 hour drive and economically depressed so its not the same as you , with regards to even having potential to move back, but the rest of this post I COMPLETELY understand and wish you luck OP.

I wish my mom lived here. She also makes comments that she feels bad that I have no family to help. But its not a veiled barb, its just that when you have that kind of good help from your own mom I know it seems to her like it must be so much harder for me, she doesn't get that its just not that big a deal most of the time because she always had the option of a quick break with little notice, so she doesn't quite get it.

[Anonymous]

MY mom often brings up friends of hers whose children moved back/never moved away. I do understand that it's hard for her. But she needs to understand the reason for our choices. She lives in a high cost-of-living area with few jobs, and I sometimes point out that these friends whose children still live there are quite affluent and don't mind the cost of living so much-- they are content to have interesting, low-paying jobs at nonprofits and such because they don't have to cut back their lifestyle to do it.

I think a lot of this is about her wondering how she'll make it as she ages. She left my father, and it's a cold climate which is hard for elderly people alone. I sympathize, but I can't uproot my family, live somewhere I don't like, give up my interesting career, and be far from my in-laws. She's welcome to move near me, if moving is so easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here. The point about the lower socioeconomic biase hit home. I married my DW and after the fact she refused to leave her Mom. Had incredible opportunities on the west coast - wife just completely ignored them. I used to think my DW felt guilty because she had the opportunity to live a nice upper middle class lifestyle while her Mom was working poor. Have posted on other threads about her Mom refusing to move from lower class urban neighborhood because she doesn't drive.

I will caution my son to look very close at his DWs relationship with her Mom. Mine didn't seem to close until after the wedding. Shrewd old goat my MIL. Looking back I marvel at how naive I was. I was the only one working (DW stayed at him, MIL retired) and yet they tell me where to live.
Ypu would think there would be gratitude ; none and again I blame it on their SES. So worried about everyone else - who gives a shit.

You guys seriously need counseling- you post about this a lot. If there is a problem now, you need to talk about it WITH HELP to guide these conversations or I don't see how it ends with a continued and/or good marriage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. The point about the lower socioeconomic biase hit home. I married my DW and after the fact she refused to leave her Mom. Had incredible opportunities on the west coast - wife just completely ignored them. I used to think my DW felt guilty because she had the opportunity to live a nice upper middle class lifestyle while her Mom was working poor. Have posted on other threads about her Mom refusing to move from lower class urban neighborhood because she doesn't drive.

I will caution my son to look very close at his DWs relationship with her Mom. Mine didn't seem to close until after the wedding. Shrewd old goat my MIL. Looking back I marvel at how naive I was. I was the only one working (DW stayed at him, MIL retired) and yet they tell me where to live.
Ypu would think there would be gratitude ; none and again I blame it on their SES. So worried about everyone else - who gives a shit.

You guys seriously need counseling- you post about this a lot. If there is a problem now, you need to talk about it WITH HELP to guide these conversations or I don't see how it ends with a continued and/or good marriage!

PP here. I know; I definitely have anger issues about it. Part of the challenge is that I have suggested to DW that we need counseling. She refuses to go. I try to explain that you need to communicate. She refers to it as psycho babble. So, she won't go. And yes significant marital issues; sexless, as in no sex,affection, gentle touch for six years. So, jury is still out on if we make it. I have empathy for my DW's position but with the benefit of hindsight believe she was very selfish. Our nuclear family should have come first. Its a bad situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MY mom often brings up friends of hers whose children moved back/never moved away. I do understand that it's hard for her. But she needs to understand the reason for our choices. She lives in a high cost-of-living area with few jobs, and I sometimes point out that these friends whose children still live there are quite affluent and don't mind the cost of living so much-- they are content to have interesting, low-paying jobs at nonprofits and such because they don't have to cut back their lifestyle to do it.

I think a lot of this is about her wondering how she'll make it as she ages. She left my father, and it's a cold climate which is hard for elderly people alone. I sympathize, but I can't uproot my family, live somewhere I don't like, give up my interesting career, and be far from my in-laws. She's welcome to move near me, if moving is so easy.

wish I married you. Your husband is a very lucky man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MY mom often brings up friends of hers whose children moved back/never moved away. I do understand that it's hard for her. But she needs to understand the reason for our choices. She lives in a high cost-of-living area with few jobs, and I sometimes point out that these friends whose children still live there are quite affluent and don't mind the cost of living so much-- they are content to have interesting, low-paying jobs at nonprofits and such because they don't have to cut back their lifestyle to do it.

I think a lot of this is about her wondering how she'll make it as she ages. She left my father, and it's a cold climate which is hard for elderly people alone. I sympathize, but I can't uproot my family, live somewhere I don't like, give up my interesting career, and be far from my in-laws. She's welcome to move near me, if moving is so easy.

wish I married you. Your husband is a very lucky man.

I think so. But I'm not doing it for him-- I never planned to live where I grew up. I wouldn't move to where my in-laws live either! DC is a good middle ground, it's equally far to get to both places.

[Anonymous]

Relationships where guilt is used in communication are very selfish, immature, and may be copied by your children. Op, you may be setting a bad example by not deflecting this.