Feeling sad about lack of playdates

[Anonymous]

Pp here again. Meant to add that my two best friends growing up were from my dance classes that I started in kindergarten. We all were in each others wedding and are still close.

[Anonymous]

Op here- my DD has noticed that her classmates do a lot together after school and on weekends because they talk to each other. She is an only child and there are no children close in age to her on our block. She plays by herself a lot and has learned to entertain herself. I play with her when I am not cooking dinner and getting her ready for bed, etc. DH is working and doesnt come home until after she eats dinner most nights. On weekends we spend most days running errands, taking her to swim or dance class and maybe a playground. She enjoys "stay at home days." I feel sad because I see how her classmates travel to beaches, amusement parks dinners out, go to all sorts of events with a friend in tow. Are these kids and their moms unusually active or am I unusually inactive?

[Anonymous]

I see that you say your daughter has noticed that her classmates do more together, but is she sad about it? If not, don't worry. All she needs are one or two friends to be with at school, does she have this? You don't need to worry about comparing yourself to other moms, you need to worry about whether your daughter is happy.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel ya - I have an only too. Like you, I tend to concern myself and make an effort to create pleasant, steady playdates and relationships. DC is finishing 2nd grade now and all feel fortunate that there has been a friend, since K, who can be spontaneous and whose parents are generous with day-long play-dates and even sleep-overs, camping, and trips to the beach! But this friend is moving away this summer! We will truly suffer this loss but hopefully another steady playmate will come through. I find that over the years, being an 'only' has made DC outgoing, cooperative, flexible and resilient when it comes to "friends."Keep up the good work! It will work out! And sometimes it is necessary to make nice with other parents for the sake of our children. I frequently feel i have nothing in common with them (i am older, too, frequently with much different priorities) but it really helps to serve tea, lunch even dinner on long summer nights.

[Anonymous]

There are usually two reasons we don't have playdates with a child:

1) The parents are too difficult, either it is a huge production to schedule a playdate or once there.

2) I don't like the kid or my kid doesn't like the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see that you say your daughter has noticed that her classmates do more together, but is she sad about it? If not, don't worry. All she needs are one or two friends to be with at school, does she have this? You don't need to worry about comparing yourself to other moms, you need to worry about whether your daughter is happy.

I 2nd this poster. This really needs to be driven by your child, not you.

If you think your daughter wants more playdates, then I'd sign her up for a class where she can meet other kids, give her low-key tips on socializing and help her set up playdates and create new friendships outside of the clique. If your daughter wants more outings, you can do those things with her. You can plan on holiday weekends (or make long weekends by taking a Friday afternoon off) and make it happen on one day of the weekend.

But I would be cautious to read your own sentiments into the situation. I was a very shy child. A bookworm. I read a lot and really didn't "need" friends and found my mother's pushing (she'd have said "coaxing") very stressful. To this day, I recall being in a tennis class and just feeling so out of place and aimless and feeling so tongue tied and dreading every minute on the courts... All the other girls were cuter and thiner and more bubbly. I really hated it. I'm sure my mom thought I'd make friends and that she was helping me. I just don't think she realized I was very self-contained and happy in my dreamy imagination with my books.

[Anonymous]

PP how old were you when your mom had you in that tennis class where you felt so out of place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are usually two reasons we don't have playdates with a child:

1) The parents are too difficult, either it is a huge production to schedule a playdate or once there.

2) I don't like the kid or my kid doesn't like the kid.

I think this is probably pretty close to what a lot of people think. Also, since you asked, OP, you do seem unusually inactive to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you don't seem happy about the outcome of it. We are a two parent household, both working with stressful jobs and three kids. We are out every single evening - whether someone has an activity or is at a friend's house, scouting (which your daughter is too young for, but not for long) or just to the pool. Errands take up far less of our weekend than activities for the family and the kids individually. And, then there's the rounds of golf and what not for the grown ups, PTA, religious classes for the kids, etc. We are pretty typical of the families I know.

[Anonymous]

There's no rule you have to go home and cook dinner every night! Pick a few fun things to do each month, grab a salad or sandwich or something takeout, and go. Now that it's summer, there are outdoor films, music, and other events in the evenings all over town for families. Post a message on FB asking folks to join you - if anyone does, great; if not, make your own fun.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like you and your DH might be very introverted. Your activities are a lot of hanging around the house, doing errands, or doing one on one things for your daughter. There's nothing wrong with that, per se, it's just that I think what you're seeing is your lives in stark contrast to the lives of less introverted families. I think a lot of your daughter's classmates are probably very good at making friends or maintaining friendships or just hanging out with friends on a regular basis because they or their parents started doing it from a very young age. Did you have your daughter in a playgroup when she was younger, or ever interact with other moms and kids her age? Watching parents interact is how kids learn to interact, so if your daughter didn't witness you and your DH having friends and how you behaved with them, it seems natural that that wouldn't be something she'd be good at now. It can be hard to learn how to be gregarious and sociable if you weren't brought up that way. And again, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with being introverted or self contained, but you do seem bothered now by the outcome. I think it's a combination of the parents not knowing how to approach you or your DH because you've never given off the vibe of being into making friendships, and the kids don't know how to approach your daughter for the same reasons.

I do think you can turn the boat around, but it's going to be on your shoulders. Start initiating playgroups or after school or weekend get togethers with a kid in your daughter's class and their mom. Let your daughter see you take the lead and be social. We like family time too, but it's nice to go out to dinner with other families on weekends and not always just ourselves. The more your daughter sees you engaging in friendships, the more she will parrot you and get more confident in doing so herself. But I do think, based on what you've written, that your family tends to put off a vibe of not being very interested in others... which makes it hard for them to feel an interest in you, you know?

[Anonymous]

I think if you want playdates, you have to just keep inviting people over- even if they don't reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

OP here - we dont do many casual dinners out because my DD has celiac disease and she cant eat much of the food at Panera's, pizza places, etc. My DD doesnt eat salad yet which is the alternative when gluten free options arent available. I got used to cooking at home more because of her gluten free diet. We go to far fewer places out than before for this reason. Also, who has the $$ to eat out several times a week even if its pizza, sushi, chicken out, etc?
Yes, I am introverted but I struggle with making sure my DD has friendships and activities to look forward to on weekdays and weekends. I have been cautious about overscheduling because I think many parents make too many plans and dont have enough time at home to just breathe. I am looking for a balance so she does have one or two steady and consistent friends to play with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we dont do many casual dinners out because my DD has celiac disease and she cant eat much of the food at Panera's, pizza places, etc. My DD doesnt eat salad yet which is the alternative when gluten free options arent available. I got used to cooking at home more because of her gluten free diet. We go to far fewer places out than before for this reason. Also, who has the $$ to eat out several times a week even if its pizza, sushi, chicken out, etc?
Yes, I am introverted but I struggle with making sure my DD has friendships and activities to look forward to on weekdays and weekends. I have been cautious about overscheduling because I think many parents make too many plans and dont have enough time at home to just breathe. I am looking for a balance so she does have one or two steady and consistent friends to play with.

I think you may be looking for excuses. Lots of our kids have issues that make it more difficult or complicated to get out an go, but yet we do. And, we find ways to do it within budget. Also, you are kind of contradictory. You don't want to overschedule so you restrict her, but you're not happy with the outcome of this choice.

[Anonymous]

My two cents: if your daughter will be going to a new school for K, the landscape will be different from her old school. Take advantage of this fresh start by arranging for weekly playdates with the kids in her class. You could go down the list of kids until you hit one she'd like to play with. Keep at it, inviting a new kid (or whomever your daughter prefers) each week, even if the other families don't reciprocate. As your daughter gets older she will probably develop stronger preferences for certain kids, hopefully develop friendships, and then you can stop the "cold calling" of other parents, as she will prefer to have her new friends over. As for you making friends, that's trickier and I wouldn't count on that happening with other parents at the school unless you really put an effort into it. The other parents from my child's school that I've befriended have been neighbors, or I have spent significant amounts of time with them at soccer games, or we had something in common that resulted in us seeking each other out for other reasons. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

It really seems to me like your daughter is getting to be of the age where she gets to choose who she would like to ask over rather than you picking friends for her based on friendships with moms. I made that mistake with my son, who is 4, and as a result, he was sort of forced to hang out with kids he didn't like all that much, and didn't get to see the kids he actually wanted to see as often as he could have.