Feeling sad about lack of playdates
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Anonymous
IA. I'm a PP and this follow up post just seems... whiny. "I want friends and playdates but people overschedule so we do a lot at home and everything costs money and Celiac and why don't people want to have playdates with us?" I don't say this to be mean, but just to hold a mirror up to what you're putting out there. You're making every excuse in the book not to go out and be an active participant in social scenes, yet can't figure out why there's no friendships or playdates. Playgrounds don't cost a thing. You can ask a couple classmates to join you, pack a gluten free meal for your daughter, and eat dinner there. Or pack dinner at home to take to the pool. Friendships are a two way street. You must be willing to accommodate and give a little to get anything back. The world doesn't just magically provide friends, these do require some work. |
Anonymous
I agree. You come across as a negative person. I am sure you don't mean to, but this may be what is turning some of the other moms you have tried to befriend off. |
Anonymous
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OP here- yes, everyone, I shouldve figured that I would receive the typical DC Urban Moms response which is to cut down the person seeking advice and help. I am whiny, etc.
Thanks everyone!! You guys are great! |
Anonymous
I'm the one who said your post sounded whiny and I'm so not the typical DCUM responder. I wasn't cutting you down personally, hence why I said your response sounded whiny, and it did. You have to accept that you bear some responsibility in this situation, but you don't seem to be willing to do that. If you looked at what you're putting out there, and changed some things, you'd probably be able to get involved with classmates and families. If you refuse to see how you can change anything and just want to sit in your house waiting for the sociable people to come to you, you're going to be waiting a long time. I'm not sure what response you wanted... you sound perfect and it doesn't make sense that you don't have friends? You don't attempt to interact with the other families, and prefer to spend your time in your house. That's your answer. If you don't want to change those things, your situation won't change either. We don't really have anything to lose here, we're just trying to tell you what might be causing your problem. Sometimes objective criticism is healthy and can help you see what you can't see on your own. Sorry if it hurt your feelings. |
Anonymous
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OP here- to be clear, I have put myself out there by inviting kids over for dinner after school or on weekend playdates and for suggesting outings on the weekend. I keep trying but more times than not, nothing pans out. These plans are with the kids my DD plays with at school. I think the PP thinks I do nothing and that is incorrect.
I am trying not to let the criticism given here make me feel less adequate. I am my own worse critic, believe me. To be honest, part of it is that my DD's small class has many Moms that were friends before they had kids since they work together. They all have a strong bond. I may not be the most exciting person in the world but I am pleasant, well meaning, caring, and I show an interest in what the Moms and kids are involved in. I hope and pray that Kindergarten brings new opportunities. So far, the person or persons that suggested to keep trying in K has been the most helpful. Maybe we will find more rewards in new friendships. |
Anonymous
To the contrary, we are trying to give you advice and help. You seem to think that part of the reason your daughter doesn't have playdates has to do with you. Perhaps this is completely untrue, but this is how you seem to perceive it. If this is actually the case, part of the reason may be that you are coming across as negative and unhappy. No one is saying that you are an uncaring person, bad mom, and I am sure you aren't doing it intentionally, but trying to work on and change this may help your relationships with these other moms. |
Anonymous
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OP, it can be hard to break into a clique, which is what the other moms sounds like. That new girl might have just been a particularly popular child, and the other girl in the group might have bugged their moms to invite the new girl. Your child might just be average likable -- sounds like she is a bit of an introvert who while the girl in class may like her OK and play with her, she might not be seen as a highly sought after playmate who MUST be invited over.
I would encourage you to just keep trying -- as much as your daughter wants. If SHE wants someone to play with ask her to make a list of whom she would like and invite them to do some things -- maybe even some more interesting things than just dinner -- try some mini-golf or a trip to an amusement park, etc. |
Anonymous
| Also do you think it is possible that the celiac disease and special diet is making it a little harder for parents to invite your child over/out ? |
Anonymous
OP, I think you are taking all of this too personal. I say this with the kindest of intents but you seem to be stuck in a self-defeating cycle or self-criticsm/ not wanting to do anything to change/ and defensiveness. I say this as somone who has been there, done that and struggle to not be a negative person on an almost daily basis. I think you need to stop worrying about this for a second a focus on yourself and improving your vision of the world and yourself. When you protect positive energy, you receive positve energy. I didn't read all of the previous posts but a lot of people were giving you spot on advice and your response was "typical DCUM response." They were just being honest and actually helpful. If you take a second and re read some of the comments and not come at it from a perspective of people were trying to cut you down, you might learn something. The benefit of an anoymous forum is that you are free to ask what you want but in return get real and honest answers. You are making this more about you than about the kid and I think taking the "lack" of invites as a reflection of your own self- worth. For your own sake and your daughter's please stop. If you find it hard to make friends (which I do as well so I am not knocking you), don't project that onto your daughter. Imagine all the discomfort you feel and then think that by not projecting that onto her you will be saving her from the discomfort that you feel. You might be surprised at how mcuh your child blossoms. |
Anonymous
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I'm in a similar position OP, and here are the reasons (at least I think)...
I'm an introvert and need some damn quiet in my house after a day of teaching, so I'm not one to try to plan weekly playdates. I pick up late (after the sahm pick-up) and miss out on lots of the chatting that the moms do earlier in the year. I think that is the one thing that has held things back...the clique has been formed and it's hard to break in...plus, I'd have to care. I think some people are completely out of hand with the playdate thing....I remember having people over once in a while as a child, not every week. Now, my son still has playdates, but I'd say maybe once or twice a month. That doesn't count the multiple days that we play with the neighborhood kids outside. But, I've lived in my neighborhood for 5 years and sometimes it just takes that long to build relationships. K might be a better place for your child and you to build some of those longer lasting friendships. |
Anonymous
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1. It's not your child's fault.
2. It's not your fault. 3. There is very little you or your child can do to change the situation, so don't try. 4. Too few kids just play in the neighborhood these days. 5. Too many parents are involved in picking and choosing playmates and play dates. 6. Kids used to just go out and play and they figured out the social dynamics themselves. 7. Things that's kids would overlook, ignore or forgive parents will not. 8. If this is the hand you've been dealt you can't change it and you can't fix it. 9. Now the good news - childhood is short and grossly overrated. The strengths that make people popular when they are young are not necessarily the qualities which make people happy and content when they are adults. However, many happy children will up to be happy adults, but not all. But also, many children are like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. They may be scorned as children but then develop qualities which make them valued and appreciated as adults. If this is your situation, be your child's best friend. Do fun, interesting and educational things. If play dates are not part of your child's life accept it and make your child's life rich in other ways. Don't look at the lack of play dates as a void, look at them as an opportunity to do really cool things. |
Anonymous
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I agree with the previous poster.
Also, in K, your daughter will be making her own new friends - follow her lead. Preschool playdates are more about the parents socializing than anything else. So what if you don't click with the preK moms? Be patient. Your daughter's world is about to get larger, and that will be a good thing for you both. |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm not trying to pile it on, but you did ask if any of this is you. And a number of people have pointed out that you come across in your posts as negative, unhappy, self-defeating and self-critical, etc. Regardless of whether or not this means you're depressed, or just come across as being somewhat negative towards the world, if even some of this is showing IRL that could be the cause of these women not wanting to spend time with you. People who like to go out and enjoy life generally do not want to be around someone who doesn't appear to be able to enjoy life, even is this is not the true you but just their perception of you. You asked what you could do, and as some pps have suggested maybe it is worth looking at this aspect of yourself. |
Anonymous
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OP - I wouldn't worry about it. My daughter is pre-school age and we have never scheduled a playdate for her. We both work, so she is in daycare surrounded by kids every weekday, so its not like she isn't socialized. In fact she spends far more time with other children than I as the child of a SAHM mom, ever did at her age (and I had siblings!).
Its not you, its that the mothers at your pre-school already have their friend group. Being a mom in DC is enough to make anyone insecure, but try not to let it get to you. And just my personal opinion, but I feel like people who something planned outside the family every night, every weekend etc have got be compensating for a bad marriage, or an inner emptiness or something. If you and your husband and daughter enjoy eachother, that is more than enough at this age. |
Anonymous
| Everything will change in K and you likely won't see the preschool families again so don't fret about something that will be different soon. I'd seek out relationships with other families of only children. They will be likely to have similar interests and needs in terms of playdates. Good luck--I know it is hard not to take it personally. |