MIL problem -- wants to come see DS when I am not home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And why can't your husband be counted on to gently, but firmly talk about this? Maybe you guys should stop living all fakey fake and gingerly confront MIL with the truth?

NO, DH will not stand up to his mother. I have tried to years to get him to do it and he always acts oblivious -- like "what's wrong with my mother??" I could stop being nice and fake but i don't want to disrupt the entire family . I have to see this woman every week no matter what, so i don't want to create bad blood. It's already bad enough.

OP, I posted at 9:53 and this is going to be your real problem. So you start with your husband and say "Husband, the way that your mother treats our family is unacceptable to me. I am not comfortable with her being in the house while we are not here. I do not want her harassing the nanny or sending mixed messages to DS about who is in charge during the day. If she would like to spend time with DS in the middle of the week for a specific reason (class, event, whatever), that is something that we can discuss, but it is not okay for her to just stop by in the middle of the day. It puts Nanny in a very uncomfortable position and I am just not okay with it."

I believe that parents need to present as a united front to ALL outsiders - including family. DH and I may disagree privately about how to handle situations, but we do not ever do that publicly. My MIL annoys the hell out of me. She's not a good grandparent and wasn't a good mother either and DH prefers ignoring her many annoying actions and qualities to confronting her about them. That said, if a situation like this arose, he would absolutely be right there with me, once I explained where I was at and what I wanted to happen. Your husband's positive relationship with his mom is a good thing, but he needs to prioritize his immediate family - you and your son together - over his extended family. That's just the way it goes when you have kids with someone.

[Anonymous]

Honey, you need to stand up for yourself a bit more. There is no reason you should have to see your MIL every weekend. There is no reason to tolerate your DH's inability to stand up to her. You say you don't want to create a fuss, but wouldn't the fuss be worth it if you could change things?

First, I'd talk to the nanny. See what she says. Maybe you could agree on Tuesdays for a two-hour window. Then present it to your husband: "I'd be happy to do this if we only saw her every other weekend. I'd love more time just as a family, and any weekly obligation really cuts into that time."

I hate these posts where women say they have "no choice" about doing something. You do, you just have to negotiate...and possibly seek out some counseling. Your MIL's wishes shouldn't have such a strong say over yours in your marriage, with your family time.

[Anonymous]

Talk to the nanny. Ask her if it's ok with her, and be very clear that if MIL does anything untoward, nanny is to tell you, and you will take her (nanny's) side.

Your issues with your MIL do not apply to your son. If you think she is trustworthy with regard to the baby, I think you should let her come once a week. Babies don't care about nosy and intrusive. Just make sure your husband will also take the nanny's side in case MIL starts with "I don't like the way nanny fastens baby's diaper..."

[Anonymous]

I think saying that the Nanny is not comfortable with the disruption and you agree would be reasonable enough.

Ps. Where is it written that YOU have to see her every weekend? I mean, send DH and DS over there and take a bubble bath!

[Anonymous]

10:42 here, I wouldn't ask the nanny to be personally involved between you and your MIL. That would be a tough position to put her in, because it's her word against MILs.
I would really consider just saying no, explaining that your DS has a set schedule and she is welcome to see him on Weekends like you have been.

[Anonymous]

My MIL did this behind my back. She made friends with the nanny. My MIL has a very likeable personality, unless you happen to be married to her son! Watch out.

[Anonymous]

A good nanny is never going to tell you that the kid's grandmother can't come over when the nanny is there. But most nannies (heck, most human beings) would not be happy if this happened every single week. So tell the MIL that it is not fair to the nanny to ask this of her; that it is disruptive to the routine and rapport she has with DC. If she pushes back, she will be acting inappropriately and THAT is your opportunity to address head-on her manipulative and intrusive tendencies. Sounds like it is a confrontation that needs to involve DH, since he seems to be oblivious.

[Anonymous]

Let your son handle the communication with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I do not really have DH's support in all this! he agrees with me, but then will not stand up to his mother when it comes down to it.

PP here. Oops, sorry didn't read this post.

I think all you have to say is "It's not a good time. How about xyz instead?" And then don't bend. (She might hate you for it, but then again, you say she already hates you so you've not lost anything on that count.)

[Anonymous]

Nanny here. A PP is right in saying that a good nanny wouldn't admit that the MIL was disruptive/ annoying and that she wasn't okay with it. However, I am friends with a large nanny network- all are great nannies. Some are more nice than others, some are more confrontational than others- but this issue has come up a lot and no matter how nice the MIL is, it's *really* hard being watched/bothered all day. If its the MB or DB, it's different because theres a developed relationship and trust there, but havng this woman there for frequent visits, who sounds like a bitch, is just very intrusive and annoying for the nanny.
This doesn't really answer your question- how to tell her- but just wanted to throw in my two cents.

[Anonymous]

So every Sunday you, DH and DC have to go to MIL's house? I'd skip it and tell DH you get you get to have your personal time, read a book, shop, get a manicure. I wouldn't put up with every Sunday as spending time with MIL if I didn't get along with her.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this post could have been written by me! Except my MIL is not as nosy. I still don't want her in my house when I'm not home unless she has been given permission, because if you give this woman an inch, she takes an arm. I see it with my husband's siblings... She has a key to their place and comes and goes as she pleases, invites herself to stay overnight, etc. So my objection is really to her starting to infiltrate my house (which I view as my respite, my safe zone) the way she has with the rest of her children. I have also spoken very candidly about my feelings towards my MIL to my nanny and the last thing I want is for my nanny and MIL to become too chummy.

So, I made a clear and hard line rule that, unless she has called and cleared it with us in advance, she shouldn't be coming over to our house when we are not there. She had originally asked for our nanny's number from nanny (and nanny felt obliged to give it), and when i found out, I objected and asked my husband to tell his mother to not contact our nanny outside of us. He originally didn't see the issue and thought i was overreacting. But I somehow managed to convince him that having her there with nanny would be disruptive to nanny (even if only marginally, over time, it's just an additional burden on her and I wanted to be sure the nanny knew that she was to respond to our advice and philosophies, and not his mothers, which would be hard if MIL was around and we weren't), and that our house is our house, and when his mom starts feeling free to come over whenever, it feels less like our private zone.

That said, now she just calls DH directly and asks once every couple of weeks, but I think that without this system, she would be over at least a few times a week.

[Anonymous]

Lemme guess, mother in law is divorced- never remarried? He husband maybe cheated on her? Was your DH her mini spouse? If so, he definitely needs to set some limits with his mother. I agree with other poster that said let her see child during the week if this excuses family visits on occasion. Perhaps she will be okay towards the nanny as the nanny didn't have the audacity to steal her son in the first place. Every Family has some messed up dynamics- nanny probably will tolerate it better than you anticipate; esp. if M.I.L took child out of the house for a few hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that you're going to get out of this one gracefully. The best you can do is be civil but firm. "No, MIL, I am not comfortable with you coming to my house when I am not there. It is not fair to our nanny to have someone disrupting DS's routine." If you have a history of letting her come over when you are not there, or of staying there to babysit DS while you and DH go out, it will be harder to argue that she cannot come over while just the nanny is there, but I still wouldn't let her do it.

If she will not agree to play by your rules, I see no reason for her to be able to spend time alone with DS at all. If she will not respect your authority as a parent, there is no reason to respect her "rights" as a grandparent. Period. Make sure your husband is on board, and have the conversation with her together.

I agree. Repeat as necessary.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old is DS? Tell MIL that DS is on play dates, at park, at mall, and at toddler classes with nanny every day...very unpredictable. And so it's better to preschedule this time in advance. And then when she does specify a day, take that morning or afternoon or day off and surprise her at home with your presence. Do this again. I bet she'll stop showing up during the week then. lol