MIL problem -- wants to come see DS when I am not home
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Anonymous
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HI All! I have an issue and I want to know how to handle it gracefully. I do not get a long with my MIL at all -- we are civil to each other and i see her often, but I really can't stand her. I don't think she likes me either, but we ACT like we get along when we are face to face. I view her as intrusive, pushy, bossy, manipulative, lying, etc. I see her once a week for family time and that is about all I can stand. She gets to see DS once a week too -- sometimes more. She fawns over DS A LOT! ANyway, in the past she has been very nosy, intrusive, and tries to tell me and DH what to do and how to raise DS.
Me and DH both work full time out of the home and we have a nanny who is VERY nice. MIL is now asking if she can come over to our house to see DS during the week when only the nanny is there. Keep in mind MIL see DS EVERY weekend!! We make a HUGE effort to take DS to her house every Sunday. I am not comfortable with MIL coming to our home when we are not there. God only knows what she will say or do to our poor nanny. She has a history of bossing "the help" around -- whether it be a waiter, a cleaning person or a nanny, she is very demanding, etc. I am afraid she will bother the nanny, tell her what to do, ask her personal questions about me and DH and how we raise DS. So, I do not want MIL there with my nanny and DS unless either my husband or I am there too. How do I gracefully and nicely tell MIL that she can't come over if we are not there?? |
Anonymous
| Say no. |
Anonymous
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ITA with PP - Just say no. You're beyond needing to worry about being graceful at this point.
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Anonymous
| OP here, but what is my excuse?? I can't say "because you are nosey and intrusive!" |
Anonymous
| Well, she'd be interfering in the nanny's workday, and you could say you're just not willing to ask her to work around anyone's schedule. |
Anonymous
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I don't think that you're going to get out of this one gracefully. The best you can do is be civil but firm. "No, MIL, I am not comfortable with you coming to my house when I am not there. It is not fair to our nanny to have someone disrupting DS's routine." If you have a history of letting her come over when you are not there, or of staying there to babysit DS while you and DH go out, it will be harder to argue that she cannot come over while just the nanny is there, but I still wouldn't let her do it.
If she will not agree to play by your rules, I see no reason for her to be able to spend time alone with DS at all. If she will not respect your authority as a parent, there is no reason to respect her "rights" as a grandparent. Period. Make sure your husband is on board, and have the conversation with her together. |
Anonymous
| And why can't your husband be counted on to gently, but firmly talk about this? Maybe you guys should stop living all fakey fake and gingerly confront MIL with the truth? |
Anonymous
| Tell MIL that your nanny has DC on a regular schedule of activities, playdates, etc. and that you do not want the schedule disrupted by weekday visits. If she persists, tell her that disrupted weekday visits could very well mean no weekends visits with MIL. You can be very nice and polite with her when you tell her, but keep your tone firm, and don't hedge or waffle, or your MIL will think she has wiggle room. |
Anonymous
| You "may" want to let MIL see your DC once a week w/ the nanny there "if" you can get out of taking DC to see MIL on the weekends. Sounds like it might be a "win-win" for both of you. |
Anonymous
| PP here - forgot to say I work full-time out of the house and personally wouldn't want to spend every Sunday afternoon with a horrible MIL (my MIL isn't horrible, but if she was). |
Anonymous
no, i would still be required to see MIL every weekend. It's basically written in blood that we do this. And she wants to see my DH too. |
Anonymous
This and tell her that it is fine but while she is there the Nanny will be going out to do an errand or some other of her regular duty around the house. Give your nanny permission to take some time for herself while MIL is there and I'm sure Nanny will not resent the visits at all. |
Anonymous
Normally I would agree with you, but we cannot assume that DH agrees to this. I do not know too many men who would agree with DW saying the things about his mom that OP said in her original post. So...it could be that OP is looking for a 2 for 1 strategy. How to pitch it to DH and how to pitch it to MIL. Personally, I think there are issues both ways. OP admits that she cannot stand MIL but she admits that MIL dotes on DS. So, I wonder how much of this being driven by OP's dislike of MIL. Otherwise, I agree. Let DH do the heavy lifting although I think hiding behind the nanny would be a cowardly thing to do. OP and her DH should be firm but honest. |
Anonymous
NO, DH will not stand up to his mother. I have tried to years to get him to do it and he always acts oblivious -- like "what's wrong with my mother??" I could stop being nice and fake but i don't want to disrupt the entire family . I have to see this woman every week no matter what, so i don't want to create bad blood. It's already bad enough. |
Anonymous
| OP here, I do not really have DH's support in all this! he agrees with me, but then will not stand up to his mother when it comes down to it. |