Help for DW who was abused/neglected as a child and who is struggling parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not being able to stand child-related noise isn't a problem in and of itself: Teach the kids to be quieter.

You've posted here a bunch about your wife and her depressive issues. Somehow, it comes across as condescending a lot---she isn't living up to your idea of the perfect parent, she isn't as attached to the kids as you think of as ideal, she doesn't do what you think she should. I for one would like to hear her side of it---that would be living with someone who is never ever satisfied with what she does, who openly belittles her on forums, whom, I suspect, subtly puts down her efforts at becoming attached to the kids. Gee---I wonder why she quit trying so hard?

OP here - when you have lived with someone with undertreated mental illness and are trying to raise healthy kids in the household you can judge me. Many people have expressed concern about DW's functioning both in relation to the kids and otherwise. I only wish it was falling short of an "ideal". She has a hard time minimally functioning, esp as a parent and treating the depression hasn't really improved that difficulty. It's both interacting with others and just getting through the day. She barely remembers her childhood so it seemed like a possibility that it could be part of the problem. She has nightmares and a kind of panic response to normal everyday things. She seems to be getting worse. I so wish that it was all about me being an asshat.

[Anonymous]

Again, all we hear is your side. I'd like to hear hers before I believe this bs: it is a common tactic of abusive husbands to portray themselves as the victim. Not buying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor DW. Seriously, with this for a husband I'd be immobile if I were already depressed.

Maybe because I've lived with someone who busily tried to discredit me as "crazy" while being emotionally and physically abusive, but this whole series of "my poor wife" posts seems to be set up to portray himself as the suffering good guy and his wife as the bad guy.
Not necessarily so.

OP here. I am sorry for your experience, it sounds horrible. I am concerned for my DW and for my kids. The impact on them is huge and I've gotten worried inquiries from their schools over the past few years even with them having help. The depression is better, she's not crying all the time, but the parenting is slipping even with things like safety issues. She cannot stay on some of the medications longterm. I'm trying to figure out her to get more effective help for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, all we hear is your side. I'd like to hear hers before I believe this bs: it is a common tactic of abusive husbands to portray themselves as the victim. Not buying it.

Dude, you have issues. The guy is talking about a sick wife and protecting his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kris Halstead in Bethesda does excellent work on these kinds of issues.

NP who contacted her recently, she isn't taking new clients right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, all we hear is your side. I'd like to hear hers before I believe this bs: it is a common tactic of abusive husbands to portray themselves as the victim. Not buying it.

You really need to deal with your own issues. I am sorry you had an abusive husband however that doesn't mean that all men are abusers. Many men are victims too - legitimately. If you need support leaving your abuser or dealing with your feelings towards men, why don't you start your own thread and perhaps people can offer you support. Hijacking this thread with your own issues doesn't really help anyone. I don't think OP is setting himself up as a victim - he is the spouse and co-parent of someone with a mental illness and childhood trauma and is trying to figure out how best to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, all we hear is your side. I'd like to hear hers before I believe this bs: it is a common tactic of abusive husbands to portray themselves as the victim. Not buying it.

You really need to deal with your own issues. I am sorry you had an abusive husband however that doesn't mean that all men are abusers. Many men are victims too - legitimately. If you need support leaving your abuser or dealing with your feelings towards men, why don't you start your own thread and perhaps people can offer you support. Hijacking this thread with your own issues doesn't really help anyone. I don't think OP is setting himself up as a victim - he is the spouse and co-parent of someone with a mental illness and childhood trauma and is trying to figure out how best to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother grew up in an abusive household. Emotionally, she held us at arms length. She equated love/motherhood with abuse and in her attempt to not repeat the process she felt that she couldn't get too close to us or she would continue the pattern. It took a lot mental and emotional energy for her to not repeat those patterns with her own kids so she had little to nothing else emotionally left at the end of the day anyway. Maybe there is a happy medium but maybe not. Maybe it just takes a generation of sacrifice. My mother did break the pattern - she was never physically abusive towards us but she was emotionally distant. My father filled in emotionally for what my mother couldn't do. It was not perfect but as an adult I realize she did the best she could. I realize how trying kids are and she had 5 of them and did not resort to any physical punishment but I am sure it was hard especially back when spanking was quite the norm.

Now, for my own kid, I have the advantage of not having to expend the mental or emotional effort to avoid physically hurting my child and can focus on being emotionally connected.

OP here. I am so sorry that your mother had such a bad childhood. I am glad that she was able to break the pattern and that your dad was able to compensate for her limitations.

[Anonymous]

OP here, for those who have insight/knowledge, people have described DW as seeming "panicked", "catatonic", "withdrawn" and "shut down". She used to cry quite a bit. The crying has almost disappeared and sometimes she looks slightly better but the descriptions have been in all kinds of settings, at a playdate with the kids, at a dinner with family friends, out running errands alone, etc. She has started going to therapy but it has focused on depression and thinking patterns. Since starting she has seemed to have nightmares more often. I don't think that that there was physical abuse in the family but emotional abuse and neglect. Her parents are very cold with a thin fake smiley veneer. They seem pretty indifferent to people. A sibling was molested by a babysittter. There was a lot of chaos.

Since startng therapy she has become more unpredictable with the kids, she recently left a playground when she was annoyed with one not wanting to leave. She stayed in the parking lot but they didn't know and were scared. She was gone for close to 10 minutes before she walked back. She told the therapist about it and he expressed concern but there was no plan to keep it from happening. It's really impulsive when she does this kind of thing now, it's like a flight reaction, she bolts. The therapist specializes in depression and said he has no soecific experience with trauma or abuse. When I expressed concern she kind of minimized it and didn't seem to get how the kids felt and kind of felt justified. I'm not sure if it was bravado but the kids seem wary of her and don't want to go places with her. I am very glad that she is going to therapy but wish that it was making things more stable. Instead it's the opposite and there is not even a goal of stabilizing the family in her individual treatment. This seems like more than just depression. She is really disengaged from the kids and more interested in parts of her life that don't involve any of us, although folks at work have expressed concern too. There is something very wrong. I am very worried and just don't know where to turn. Trying to pick up the slack while waiting for the next shoe to drop is really stressful. The person I married seems ot have disappeared into herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not being able to stand child-related noise isn't a problem in and of itself: Teach the kids to be quieter.

You've posted here a bunch about your wife and her depressive issues. Somehow, it comes across as condescending a lot---she isn't living up to your idea of the perfect parent, she isn't as attached to the kids as you think of as ideal, she doesn't do what you think she should. I for one would like to hear her side of it---that would be living with someone who is never ever satisfied with what she does, who openly belittles her on forums, whom, I suspect, subtly puts down her efforts at becoming attached to the kids. Gee---I wonder why she quit trying so hard?

OP here - when you have lived with someone with undertreated mental illness and are trying to raise healthy kids in the household you can judge me. Many people have expressed concern about DW's functioning both in relation to the kids and otherwise. I only wish it was falling short of an "ideal". She has a hard time minimally functioning, esp as a parent and treating the depression hasn't really improved that difficulty. It's both interacting with others and just getting through the day. She barely remembers her childhood so it seemed like a possibility that it could be part of the problem. She has nightmares and a kind of panic response to normal everyday things. She seems to be getting worse. I so wish that it was all about me being an asshat.

Wow, I can't believe the nerve of some people. I'm not the above poster- ouch, sorry you had to read that. I don't have much to add other than to say you have my sympathies because my MIL had a childhood like your wife's. She was abused by her father and oldest brothers while her mother pretty much sat around and did nothing (a victim of domestic abuse herself, I'm sure)-- and then she died when MIL was quite young.

One thing that was really rough for my MIL was repressed memories followed by having a major breakthrough in therapy. FIL left her around this point. I can understand it-- I'm sure it was incredibly difficult for him to deal with, and they were very young (but had 5 children, eek). Anyway....long story short- stick with her and help her seek out therapy options. Even if it involves some in-patient time or some kinds of retreats or whatever. You won't regret it. And good luck.

[Anonymous]

Sorry- my original message ended up in the quote somehow.

[Anonymous]

Try EMDR therapy. I can't recommend practitioners in the area b/c I did it in Ma. It is very effective for issues like this and *much* faster than traditional talk therapy. Do a google search for emdr and go to their website which has a directory of practitioners. Good luck.

http://www.emdr.com/find-a-clinician.html

[Anonymous]

I think you need someone who specializes in trauma. Her depression may be so intertwined with her trauma that she can't deal with one without dealing with the other. I agree EMDR can be useful as an immediate support.

Can you afford to hire someone to help with the kids when you aren't home? It really sounds like your wife isn't able to manage the demands of parenting. When you ask her perspective on how she is or how she feels as a parent - what does she say? Does she have insight into her actions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need someone who specializes in trauma. Her depression may be so intertwined with her trauma that she can't deal with one without dealing with the other. I agree EMDR can be useful as an immediate support.

Can you afford to hire someone to help with the kids when you aren't home? It really sounds like your wife isn't able to manage the demands of parenting. When you ask her perspective on how she is or how she feels as a parent - what does she say? Does she have insight into her actions?

OP here, sadly she does not seem to have insight into her actions or the kids' emotional needs. When I brought up the playground inciident she seemed slightly concerned but in a weird 3rd party way "oh I wouldn't want to scare them" but then she dismissed it later as "different judgment". There is no judgment anymore she just reacts. She often seems to want to attack me "you are a shitty parent too" or minimize "some parents leave their kids in cars" or shift blame, you get the idea. There seems to be no sense whatsoever that her well being being restored quickly is part of parenting, it' like she is now in a parallel universe or something. She tells her doc she is better but the interactions with the outside world and other people are almost nonexistent. She seems to feel responsible for not protecting a sister and seems to see herself more like a passive older sibling. She was an involved caring parent at one point, althogh it is increasingly in the past. It's very complicated and it seems like the floor is dropping every few weeks. I only want to try to get the right "label" to get effective help if I can persuade her. The talk therapy she is doing now seems to be bringing up emotions that are impacting her ability to provide for the kids' basic safety. I am extremely concerned for her but feeling frantic about the kids and how to pull off the holidays. Her affect has caused people to pull back and we are pretty isolated. Trying to get the kids out for playdates and such. I'd try to leave with them but worry about her stability. If we stay and things are like this or worse I can't shield the kids enough. We need really expert help, ideally for DW, for me, for the kids and for us as a family. I also need someone with the experience to address the safety issues, DW's as well. The kids are not left with her at this point. The doctors and therapists we have seen in the past say they have no idea what to tell me to do.