Help for DW who was abused/neglected as a child and who is struggling parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as you are trying to motivate your wife to see that there is a serious problem and that she (and all of you) should seek help for it, you might try reframing the problem and showing your vulnerability. From reading this thread, it seems like you currently see the problem as: your wife is emotionally damaged and falling apart, while you are super functional and trying to hold the family together. This may be true, but it likely also plays on all her fears as someone who is desperately trying to keep it together. Instead, you might try telling her how much you love her and NEED her, how different she seems from the person you first met, and lonely and frightened you feel because she is not emotionally available. Helping herself in order to help you may let her take action without feeling attacked.

If you really feel that your children are wary or fearful around her, I would take this as huge danger sign. I was a child who was afraid of my mother while she was suffering from a major episode of mental illness. Because that kind of mental illness is so unacceptable in our society, we don't really have a language for recognizing or talking about such things until it's too late. I knew that something was terribly wrong and I knew that I was in danger, but I had no way to express what I was experiencing. In retrospect, I think the adults around me must have just been ignoring what they couldn't bear to see.

Thanks, that is the way I feel and I realize it might not come across. I am overwhelmed and lonely and terrified to be honest. DW mentioned that she might pick up a book by Dr. Christine Courtois and might call since she is local. That seems like it might be a huge step. Finding a nurturing regular sitter is a good idea, the kids are in aftercare. It might lessen all of our feelings of being on high alert.

[Anonymous]

Ask her if you can come to a session with her therapist and share your concerns. It's very common for a spouse to come in to help provide some perspective. If she says no, you could still leave a voicemail for the therapist. They couldn't call you back unless she was willing to sign a release, but they are allowed to listen. I think a trauma specialist would be a good bet, maybe EMDR depending on the details of her history. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all of these responses. But I've dealt with a similar issue and you need to take this seriously. I would suggest finding a therapist who specializes in EMDR - Gail Kalin in D.C. is very good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as you are trying to motivate your wife to see that there is a serious problem and that she (and all of you) should seek help for it, you might try reframing the problem and showing your vulnerability. From reading this thread, it seems like you currently see the problem as: your wife is emotionally damaged and falling apart, while you are super functional and trying to hold the family together. This may be true, but it likely also plays on all her fears as someone who is desperately trying to keep it together. Instead, you might try telling her how much you love her and NEED her, how different she seems from the person you first met, and lonely and frightened you feel because she is not emotionally available. Helping herself in order to help you may let her take action without feeling attacked.

If you really feel that your children are wary or fearful around her, I would take this as huge danger sign. I was a child who was afraid of my mother while she was suffering from a major episode of mental illness. Because that kind of mental illness is so unacceptable in our society, we don't really have a language for recognizing or talking about such things until it's too late. I knew that something was terribly wrong and I knew that I was in danger, but I had no way to express what I was experiencing. In retrospect, I think the adults around me must have just been ignoring what they couldn't bear to see.

This, this, and this.

[Anonymous]

OP here - can anyone recommend a family therapist in or close to DC? The kids have seen a counselor, the focus was also on DW's depression but she says she doesn't really know what to suggest about recent events. It's hard to describe but seeming less overtly depressed seems to be making DW want to pull even further away from the kids, that is out of the therapists' range of experience. They alternately try to engage her or avoid her. DW has not called the doctor she mentioned. I will call the practice recommended in VA to see if they know of anyone closer to work with the family as a group. The right expertise must be out there. Trying to keep the kids busy and distracted with the holidays.

[Anonymous]

OP, I came across this site to help find therapists who specialize in trauma like the kind you describe for your DW:
http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?sectionID=5

[Anonymous]

Here is a list of therapists who say they specialize in trauma and PTSD. You might have to do some sleuthing to find out who is good and who has expertise with family therapy.
http://www.therapytribe.com/Therapists/Washington-DC/Trauma-and-PTSD

This website also has a few therapists..
http://www.communityconnectionsdc.org/web/page/637/interior.html

This center might be able to offer you good names - I think they are more intensive (day programs, inpatient) but they have a trauma specialty so it might be worth talking to them
http://www.thecenteratpiw.com/home.html

This is just a great resource on trauma
http://www.trauma-pages.com/support.php

[Anonymous]

Your wife sounds a bit dissociative. I would look into getting a therapist with a strong background in dealing with past abuse, family-of-origin issues and post-traumatic stress. Ideally, your wife should get some support when she goes out with the kids, perhaps a mother's helper can go with her. Maybe the therapist can write up a contract with her- if she feels like bolting because she is overwhelmed, angry, etc, a list of things she can do first.

[Anonymous]

22:48 here, I also agree with other posters- about your "over-functioning" role, you might be feeding into each others behavior in ways you are not aware of.

Be vulnerable with your wife, admit your doubts and failings as a parent.

Tell your children that they can say anything to you, no matter what, and they will always be loved and protected. Ask them to tell you what they need in order to be safe, make a contract with them listing steps they can take to get help if they need it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read much beyond page 2, but I wholeheartedly agree that EMDR may be very, very good for your wife. She is clearly experiencing trauma - nightmares, crying fits, etc - that are related to her childhood and that are brought to or near the surface of her consciousness. EMDR was developed specifically to help Vietnam vets with ptsd, but it has since been shown to be effective with most types of trauma. I did it and it has been life changing. Linda Levine in DC is fantastic (I don't have her number). Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Op try calli suburban hospital in Bethesda and ask them to do an intake interview. Maybe they could do some inpatient therapy until she gets a little more stable. Your kids shouldn't be subjected to her right now

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP. I think it's a great thing that you are trying so hard to get your wife (and kids) help. Don't give up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:22:48 here, I also agree with other posters- about your "over-functioning" role, you might be feeding into each others behavior in ways you are not aware of.

Be vulnerable with your wife, admit your doubts and failings as a parent.

Tell your children that they can say anything to you, no matter what, and they will always be loved and protected. Ask them to tell you what they need in order to be safe, make a contract with them listing steps they can take to get help if they need it.

OP here - I worry about this too and the reality is that I am anything but "over-functioning". I am really struggling myself. The balance used to be much more equal in our relationship and in parenting but it has really shifted. We tried couples' counseling and I tried various things to change the balance but her behavior has become more and more distant. I have had to try to take up the slack with the kids. She talks about her family of origin much more frequently now and is becoming very disengaged from this family at the same time. She recently said that she is going to urge her sister to go to therapy before she has kids, but there was no corresponding concern for our kids. She has done therapy off and on but it has been around her defenses, not to address them. She is better with me alone than around the kids but very angry at my saying that things need to change. She is way less playful with the kids and likes to do structured activities with them now like board games or crafts, she mostly "works" or does chores in a way that never seems to end, I think she is kind of avoiding us when she is home. I can't remember the last time she laughed with the kids. So sad, one of the kids noted that the other night. We were all out the other day and ran into someone she had met once at a conference and she got very animated. One of the kids askd me later why mommy liked that lady better than him. I tink the kids may be aroud the ages of some traumatic events for her and a sib, I'm sure that doesn't help. I'm not sure what , she has't talked about ther childhood in detail since before the kids. She still hasn't called any of the EDMR folks. I want the kids out of the situation but worry what would happen to her on her own and the thought of the kids being alone with her is unaccaptable. I feel like we could go on in this stalemate for a long time, it has been bad and geting worse but there is no way for hte kids to do well unless this changes. I've got calls in to people for a consult, surely an expert could have more insight into how to best protect everyone. I feel like I'm just floundering. I feel so much pressure to make the holidays happy for the kids. I am tryng to convince DW to travel to see family, I think the kids and I really need the support. Thanks to everyone for the concern and resources, it is appreciated. I thought it was just depression for so long. I had no idea of the extent of her issues, I think she deliberately didn't share a lot of information with me. I hate this is the kids' childhood, I have such a hard time understanding why she wouldn't want to get better, even to keep from hurting them.

[Anonymous]

OP, haven't read the entire thread but do you have family or close friends that you can spend more time around so your children will see how healthy people interact? Is your DW on depression medication? Sometimes the medication can numb you and cause you to be disengaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:22:48 here, I also agree with other posters- about your "over-functioning" role, you might be feeding into each others behavior in ways you are not aware of.

Be vulnerable with your wife, admit your doubts and failings as a parent.

Tell your children that they can say anything to you, no matter what, and they will always be loved and protected. Ask them to tell you what they need in order to be safe, make a contract with them listing steps they can take to get help if they need it.

OP here - I worry about this too and the reality is that I am anything but "over-functioning". I am really struggling myself. The balance used to be much more equal in our relationship and in parenting but it has really shifted. We tried couples' counseling and I tried various things to change the balance but her behavior has become more and more distant. I have had to try to take up the slack with the kids. She talks about her family of origin much more frequently now and is becoming very disengaged from this family at the same time. She recently said that she is going to urge her sister to go to therapy before she has kids, but there was no corresponding concern for our kids. She has done therapy off and on but it has been around her defenses, not to address them. She is better with me alone than around the kids but very angry at my saying that things need to change. She is way less playful with the kids and likes to do structured activities with them now like board games or crafts, she mostly "works" or does chores in a way that never seems to end, I think she is kind of avoiding us when she is home. I can't remember the last time she laughed with the kids. So sad, one of the kids noted that the other night. We were all out the other day and ran into someone she had met once at a conference and she got very animated. One of the kids askd me later why mommy liked that lady better than him. I tink the kids may be aroud the ages of some traumatic events for her and a sib, I'm sure that doesn't help. I'm not sure what , she has't talked about ther childhood in detail since before the kids. She still hasn't called any of the EDMR folks. I want the kids out of the situation but worry what would happen to her on her own and the thought of the kids being alone with her is unaccaptable. I feel like we could go on in this stalemate for a long time, it has been bad and geting worse but there is no way for hte kids to do well unless this changes. I've got calls in to people for a consult, surely an expert could have more insight into how to best protect everyone. I feel like I'm just floundering. I feel so much pressure to make the holidays happy for the kids. I am tryng to convince DW to travel to see family, I think the kids and I really need the support. Thanks to everyone for the concern and resources, it is appreciated. I thought it was just depression for so long. I had no idea of the extent of her issues, I think she deliberately didn't share a lot of information with me. I hate this is the kids' childhood, I have such a hard time understanding why she wouldn't want to get better, even to keep from hurting them.

OP - I feel for you. My DH suffers from serious depression and anxiety and it has cast a dark shadow over the last couple of years including my pregnancy and the arrival of our baby girl. That said, from reading this thread you don't sound like you have a lot of empathy for her. You paint her as all bad - she doesn't do X, Y, and Z. Every time you post there's a new issue and new evidence that you present as to the damage you feel your DW is doing to your kids. I get that it's tough, but wonder if at this point you've not only got a very depressed wife but a wife who's on the defensive. You've painted her as a really horrible person and I haven't read anything in your posts to the contrary. And you definitely see yourself as the victim, holding everything together. I just wonder if this lack of compassion and empathy that is evident in your posts is evident in your day to day interaction too. I also wonder what your DW would say and how she would feel if she knew you were posting this on a widely read forum where there is a potential for someone (a friend, a neighbor) to piece together your story and identify her. All of which is to say, while I'm sensitive to the horrible effect that depression can have on a family and am living it now to a great extent, things aren't black and white and it's rare that someone is truly all bad, despite how their mental illness manifests itself. You've really villified your wife and if she's as bad as you say, why don't you just leave her? Are you posting on this forum for vindication and sympathy?