devastated by emotionally abusive husband
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Anonymous
OP here- Why are you looking for a fight here? Yeah, I guess, I know it's emotional abuse, my mind is not very clear right now. I had other questions too. Can you go back to work now?? |
Anonymous
| OP, this is definitely emotional abuse, and him leaving is a blessing in disguise - he is toxic. You will never get what you want from him - love, attention, positive regard, because any person who behaves like your DH is broken and incapable of a healthy relationship. It's no reflection on you. The love and attention you crave from him is something you should give to yourself right now by getting out and getting some help to build up your self-esteem. |
Anonymous
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OP,
I think you could really benefit from going to counseling/therapy for yourself. Ask yourself why you accepted this abuse for so long and why you never were able to leave the marriage yourself. It seems like during all this time of your marriage, you recognized his behavior as abusive, yet you accepted it and had children with him. You sound like you're sad over your husband's leaving when you should be relieved to no longer be in a relationship with him. Why are you wasting energy being upset over his demands for you to get medicated? That's just one more bit of evidence that he's an abusive asshole and you don't need any more evidence of that. Be glad you got a relatively easy escape. Think of your kids. If you have a son, he's seeing your relationship as a map as how to treat his future wife; you daughter sees it as how she should expect her future husband to treat her. Remove the toxic presence from your lives. |
Anonymous
OP, you're diverting your energy into squabbles that are a pointless waste of time. It sounds like you've got bigger problems to deal with right now. Save your energy for these problems. Focus on extricating yourself from your marriage, and focus on taking good care of yourself and your child. You deserve much better treatment than what you describe in your original post. Take from these postings the information that is helpful, and ignore the information that isn't helpful. |
Anonymous
Perfectly said. |
Anonymous
This. I ended my emotionally abusive marriage 2 years ago this month. It was incredibly, incredibly difficult. If you've been together for a while, you have a long, hard road ahead of you. Be prepared for things to get worse and the accusations to get dirtier. But it will get better eventually and it is absolutely worth it. Just get ready for a nasty fight. My XH accused me of being mentally unfit, called CPS on me, harassed our pediatrician until he dropped us from the practice, hacked into my email and FB accounts, harassed my friends and family, had cops follow me around, lied to everyone about it all. It was awful. Find yourself a good counselor. You need to get strong. Don't try and get him to realize what he's done/is doing, he will never understand. My XH lives in an alternate universe and once I accepted that his moral code was different than mine and most everyone else's, it became easier to deal with him because I stopped trying to explain myself, change his mind, whatever. It was wasted effort that I should have been using to protect myself and my child. A few things I've learned in the past 2yrs: Emotional and mental abuse is incredibly hard to prove. The courts don't care because it's often not documented. Get your lawyer and counselor on your side, but don't waste time or effort accusing him in court. It also has very little bearing on custody/visitation, because it's hard to prove and it's primarily directed at you not at DC. He will get visitation/joint custody. Know that upfront and try and make the best of it. He will never change. His tactics might, but he will never acknowledge his role in any of this. It is your fault, it will remain your fault in his head. Always. Just accept that. You cannot control what he thinks, does or says. You cannot influence him either. You can only control what you do. And he has no control over you anymore. You are getting away. He operates on manipulating your emotions. So when you're dealing with him, you need to take emotion out of the picture. This is where your lawyer and counselor can help you. Get cold. Get firm. Get a very, very detailed custody order in place. Ignore anything not directly related to the issue at hand. It's hard. Incredibly hard. The first time you stand up to him or push back, you're going to want to throw up and give up. He's going to make you want to give up. Don't. It gets easier the more you do it. Not easy, I still want to puke when I see my XH and we've divorced for 2yrs, only married for 17mo. You can get through this. Good luck. For PPs who are questioning why she's not certain: When the person who says they love you and know you best tells you over and over again you're wrong and unworthy, it starts to sink in. After all, they know you inside and out and love you, there must be some truth there, right? Emotional and mental abuse is incredibly insidious, it chips away at your belief in yourself. |
Anonymous
| Jesus F'in Christ - what in the hell are you doing? Spine up, girl, and get the HELL OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. Why in the world would you keep putting yourself in that environment, do you think you don't deserve any better, won't meet anyone again, etc. etc.? |
Anonymous
| I agree with the others that say to leave the relationship. Let him go. Contact your friends/family so they will hold you accountable in your leaving him, and for their support. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| Wow this really stuck me, today my husband was supposed to be watching our 1.5 year old while I took a 20 minute nap (I’d had him all day and was working from home) when I came downstairs the house was a disaster, husband was playing a video game while baby was destroying the house unattended. I got pretty mad and told him I don’t appreciate his lazy parenting. The fight got heated and he told me he wishes I were dead, when I started crying he told me to stop faking, and he too has been trying to get me medicated. I feel so trapped, I run my business out of our home and without him I can’t afford to pay for the house, and if I leave the house my business will go under. I’ve tried getting him into counseling with me and it’s one excuse after another. He fights dirty, anytime we fight he says everything he possibly can to hurt me. Any time I tell him he’s being abusive he twists things and in the end I feel like maybe I’m the abusive one. He drinks pretty much every night and he’s a jerk when he drinks. I’m just so done but I’m so stuck here. I don’t want my son growing up like him! |
Anonymous
Go to thehotline.org, the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They have info there on creating a plan to leave and also contact info for local resources that can help. You can also call them 24/7 or chat online with a trained counselor. |
Anonymous
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Be thankful that he is leaving. It’s the best thing that could ever happen to you. The fact that you are upset about it after his horrible treatment of you (and yes, it’s clearly abuse) tells me that you are beaten down and could use a really good therapist to guide and support you
Honestly, after reading your original post I was so upset on your behalf - he sounds like a monster - and I was relieved when you said he was leaving, then startled when you seemed upset by it. He will never, ever change - it will only get worse. Take your freedom, and expect him to play very, very dirty. Connect with a domestic violence resource like the PP mentioned above. Get strong, for yourself and your child. |
Anonymous
| I just realized this thread is 6 years old! Hope OP and her child are okay. |
Anonymous
I think 00:42 above is a new poster. |
Anonymous
You quite clearly have never been in an abusive relationship. I used to say those things all the time before I got married. Now I'm constantly questioning my sanity because of their gaslighting bs. Quit victim shaming and making someone justify their experience so it meets your approval. Either be supportive or be quiet. She's going through enough. |
Anonymous
| Him moving out is a blessing. If you are not a troll, you should be jumping with joy that this a**hole is moving out and try to get as much child support and alimony as you can. Take him to the cleaners. You are acting like a pushover and he is pushing you because he can. Time to grow claws. Plus, he is clearly having an affair. Time to take every penny he has. Take the house, take the money and grow a spine! |